Sunday, March 7, 2010

Iraqis Overwhelmingly Elect Saddam Hussein On Write-In Ballot, Officials Unsure How To Proceed

Iraqi leaders and the Allied Coalition were stunned yesterday when, with over 60% of the precincts reporting, Al-Jazeera was predicting that deposed dictator, Saddam Hussein, would be the winner in the Iraq election after amassing an insurmountable number of write-in votes. Election officials are mulling what they should do next, considering that the will of the Iraqi people is, apparently, a clear mandate for the return of their former leader, who was hanged in Dec., 2006.

This vote is an obvious setback for American and coalition efforts to bring freedom, democracy and the American way to this troubled land, including two wars, countless resources and a tremendous loss of life on both sides. Pres. Obama has been advised of the election's outcome and is meeting with Sec. of State, Hillary Clinton, to devise a course of action. The Obama administration has long held that the Iraqis should have complete control of their internal affairs and that a democratically-elected president should be chosen by a free and open vote, which, by all accounts, is exactly what has taken place, with the election process actually receiving the Jimmy Carter seal of approval.

Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said earlier today that no one could have predicted an outcome like this. "We had no idea that anything like this was even remotely possible. Don't the Iraqi people remember how evil Saddam was? Don't they know how much better off they are now that they are free and rid of him? Don't they know he's DEAD???"

In an unprecedented display of bipartisanship, the Obama administration was reaching out to some of the very Republicans who had orchestrated the hijacking of the 2004 American election, including Karl Rove, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris, to determine if the results of this vote could be purloined in a similar manner. Said former President, George W. Bush, "Something like this is bigger than Republican or Democrat ideology, this stuff is REALLY important."

An Iraqi shopkeeper told an interviewer, "I tell you what; you Americans love your freedom, you love your democracy, you love your Wal-Marts, you love your hot dogs and pizza, you love your shiny Cadillacs, you love your Santa Claus--OK, good for you, you keep them. We don't want them. This is Iraq, is not America."

"When Saddam Hussein was in charge, we had electricity, we had gasoline, we had bus system, we had water in pipes, a little money in our pockets. We have law and order. We pretty happy being Iraqis. Foreigners getting rich stealing our oil, but, at least, Iraqis have jobs in oil fields. Only people got killed were people Saddam not like. You don't piss off Saddam, he no kill you. Pretty simple life."

"Now, Americans take over country--even though we don't invite--and Iraqis don't have no electricity, no gasoline, no more water in pipes. And no money in our pockets; doesn't matter if we did, money is not worth nothing no more. No more law, no more order. Foreigners still only ones getting rich off our oil, but now Iraqis have no jobs because they bring in foreign workers from outside Iraq. Now, everybody in Iraq getting killed: young, old, good, bad, rich, poor, man, woman, children--doesn't make difference, everybody get killed. Now is terrible life in Iraq."

Demonstrators have flooded the streets in Baghdad, as well as other cities in Iraq, carrying posters of Saddam Hussein's likeness and banners bearing his name. Spontaneous demonstrations have also been observed in many European cities and on college campuses worldwide, demanding that Saddam be returned to power in Iraq.

Noted conspiracy theorist, Dr. Alvord Heidenheimer, of Whistlebottom College in Sarasota, FL, has long espoused the belief that Saddam is alive and that the execution was staged for the American public who demanded their pound of flesh from the Iraqi dictator. "America and its allies wanted a scapegoat, someone to pay, someone to get a public beatdown at the hands of the forces of good. Hello, Saddam. So, they find him in a hole, put him on trial and hang him. But, not really........."

"Saddam knows too many secrets, has too many friends, knows where the bodies are buried. Literally. Why do you think the first Bush stopped short of going into Iraq and finishing the job? A deal was struck with several Middle Eastern leaders not to interfere with our invasion and occupation of Iraq if we would put Saddam in a "witness-protection"-like program. Everybody agreed to the plan. Well, everybody except Iran's Ahmandinejad; they never told him about it because they knew he wouldn't go along with the whole idea. I mean, the guy's been telling everyone the truth about the Holocaust hoax for years, no one wanted to take the chance that he'd open his mouth about this scheme on the off chance that somebody would believe him."

"I have it on good authority that Saddam Hussein has been seen pumping gas at a BP station in Bridgeville, Pennsylvania. And, if that location sounds familiar to you, it should. That's the exact same gas station that Elvis worked at in the late 1990s until his disappearance the day before the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center in 2001."

Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti: b. April 28, 1937, d. ???

"I'll be back........."

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