Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Chilean Earthquake Knocks Earth Off Axis, Miami Now On Equator

NASA Scientists have determined that the recent earthquake in Chile has tilted the Earth off its axis some 33 degrees, placing Miami just about squarely on the Equator and the Florida Keys in the Southern Hemisphere. Mandatory mass evacuations of low-lying areas are being conducted at this time due to the ‘sloshing effect’ of the planet’s sudden new alignment causing massive tsunamis affecting all coastal regions.

Orbiting satellites are now essentially useless as their orbital trajectories no longer correspond to earth’s signaling locations, knocking out communications across the globe. Tectonic plate shifts of this magnitude have never been experienced before in the history of the planet and all their ramifications have yet to be learned.

Polar ice caps have shifted, as well, and have already begun to melt at an alarming rate which will, in a matter of days, begin raising the sea level, placing certain coastal cities in untenable positions, adding to the woes of those regions. One unexpected development has been the uncontrolled flow of vast quantities of crude oil from fissures in the earth’s crust near Sarasota, FL, which had apparently been sitting atop a heretofore unknown oil field of unimaginable proportions.

When asked if the scientific community knew something like this could happen, one unnamed NASA scientist stated, “Clearly, we had no inkling of the impact that the Chilean event until things started happening. We just kind of looked at each other with that deer in the headlight look. We had no idea of exactly what was happening, how long it would last or what the consequences to humanity would be. As far as we were concerned, it was a case of round and round she goes; where she stops, nobody knows. Certainly not us.”

Canadian officials, while pleased that the maritime provinces of New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia are now situated in more temperate climes and likely to see a boost in tourism, they are secretly lamenting the timing of this cataclysmic disaster. Said one identified government official, “If this woulda happened a month ago, we’d a-had snow in Vancouver for the Olympics, eh, now that it’s up there borderin’ on the Arctic Circle.”

Some experts at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, however, are downplaying the magnitude of concern over the displacement of the polar regions, the untold misery of the tidal surges and tsunamis unleashed by the sudden movement of the earth and the countless horrors that await mankind because of the tilting of earth’s axis. “Now that we’re spinning through space wobbling like a wounded duck, we are currently preparing calculations to tell us exactly when we can expect to smash headlong into the Moon or another planet. If, by the some freak of nature, the grace of God or some other reason we don’t, in time we will eventually crash into the Sun and be incinerated. So, our advice to the public at this time would be to not sweat the small stuff like the 1.26 milliseconds added to your day.”

“The good news is that we're all going to be dead before the bank can foreclose on your house now......”

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