Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I'm Evan Longoria and I'm The N.R.A.

I'm Evan Longoria.  I'm the third-baseman for the Tampa Bay Rays.  I'm paid millions of dollars to play a game and, by extension, be a role model for my young fans.  Recently, someone burglarized the house I was renting with two other teammates and stole my AK-47 assault rifle that I keep for....for.....well, it's none of your goddam business why I keep it, actually.  It's my God-given Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms in defense of......well, that's none of your business either.

The rifle was purchased legally, registered legally and possessed legally and responsibly by me.

Until it was stolen.

Now, I don't know how it's going to be used.  Quite possibly, it will be owned by another responsible gun owner.  Or maybe it'll just be sold for some crack cocaine.  Or maybe some 16-year old kid will get his hands on it and impress his friends by accidentally shooting a few of them.  Then again, maybe somebody will use it to stick up the 7-11 where you and your family just happen to be buying chips and Slurpees and you'll all get hosed down in a hail of bullets.

Either way, not my problem.  I can't be held responsible for what happens with it now.  It was stolen, remember?  Plus, I can afford to buy another one.  Or ten.  Don't care.

Hell, show up at Tropicana Field with it someday and I just might autograph it for you.

Because now that it's public knowledge that I owned an assault rifle, maybe opposing pitchers will think twice next time before throwing that high hard one at me..........

I'm Evan Longoria.  And I'm the N.R.A.    

Monday, March 14, 2011

Winner Declared In 2012 Presidential Race


What happens when you inject a mama grizzly with tiger blood?  A force so awesome that one drop would kill Chuck Norris!

One can see Russia from her front porch; one can see the seventh moon of Uranus.

In the daylight.

In his basement.

With his eyes closed.