Sunday, March 14, 2010

Why Sarasota Needs School Tax Extension: So Our Teachers Don't Have To Become Strippers Or Get Eaten By Wolves

Proponents of the Sarasota County public school tax extension to be voted on next Tuesday have offered two more compelling reasons why this tax proposal must be passed. Education professionals cite the recent disturbing news concerning two of their teaching colleagues and how the additional monies garnered from the tax will prevent similar tragic stories from happening to teachers here in the county.

First, the heartbreaking tale of a once-promising young teacher who was living her dream of making a difference in the lives of the young people of Enochs High School in Modesto, CA. An English teacher at the school gave her young charges a dose of harsh reality recently by telling them that, since she had just been told that she would be losing her job due to budget constraints, she was going to "become a stripper and sell her eggs." , according to student, 16-year-old student Tiffany Geisen (see video.)

The teacher, who has been identified as 24-year old, Tanqueray Sugarbush, photo below, had just completed her her 6th period English class lecture: "Was Shakespeare on Crack When He Wrote Those God-Awful Boring Stories?" when she made the announcement to the students.

Former English teacher of the Year, Ms. Tanqueray Sugarbush.

She told her students that because their parents were heartless cheapskates who didn't want to pay their taxes, she had been laid off by the school district. Her only recourse would to become a pole dancer and be forced to live off greasy dollar bills stuffed in her see-through peek-a-boo boy short panties by the filthy hands of degenerate perverts who leered at her through the bottoms of a dirty pilsner glasses. She also said that it was a common knowledge that strippers routinely sold the fruit of their ovaries to dirty little men who operated shady fertility clinics that preyed on innocent young couples whom God did not bless with precious little children of their own.

Former teacher, Tanqueray Sugarbush, took the stage name of Enid Foster to hide her shame of dancing in strip clubs.

Colleagues of Ms. Sugarbush, who was universally liked by her students and fellow teachers alike, were shocked upon hearing her statement, although Phys. Ed. instructor, Norman "No-Nuts" Sweeney, allowed that " she did have a major-league set of hooters on her." Her students remembered how Ms. Sugarbush would use unconventional means to hold the attention of some of their classmates, often staying after regular school hours to tutor some who found her English class to be "hard."

Ms. Sugarbush always found a way to keep her students interested.

Moral of this story: higher taxes mean more teachers and bigger salaries, so teachers don't have to work as strippers; although the average wage of a stripper at Cheetah's on 301 currently stands at nearly 3 1/2 times that of a Sarasota County teacher. Plus performance incentives and bonuses.

Moral of that story: we need more taxes!

The second cautionary tale illustrates the direct correlation between the consequences of voting down the public education tax extension and the very life and death of our teachers.

Earlier in the week, a young woman was fatally attacked and killed in Alaska by, what experts believe, was a pack of wolves--rabid, snarling, flesh-tearing vicious wolves--as she jogged along a deserted stretch of road in the desolate wilderness around Chignik Lake; "chignik" being Inuit for "watch out for killer wolves."

The victim was 32-year old Candice Berner.

She was a teacher.

Moral of this story: if the the voters of Sarasota County pass the tax extension, good teachers like Berner won't have to lose their lives by having to go to someplace like God-forsaken Chignik Lake to teach blubber-eating Eskimo kids how to read and write in some one-igloo schoolhouse when they could come here to beautiful Sarasota to teach our bright, articulate and eager young children advanced calculus and quantum physics in our brand-new palatial $53 million Taj Mahal educational edifice that has fully-stocked tiki bars and hot tubs in all six of the teacher's lounges, conveniently located only steps away from the nearest classroom.

Wolves are not the cuddly, forest-dwelling denizens of lore or the dreamy members of Team Jacob.........

.........they want to kill you and eat your liver. Without fava beans.


  1. But do the wolves get regular visits from their decomposing victims, who urge them to kill themselves?

  2. Why do make it sound almost like a bad thing??

  3. I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.