Conspiracy theorists, long ridiculed for being nothing more than off-the-wall eccentrics, have finally been vindicated with the revelation that Pres. Barack Obama actually HEADS the death panels, as first revealed to the American public by former Vice-Presidential nominee, former Governor of Alaska, former Mayor of Wasilla, AK, and former Anchorage sportscaster who has become the Mother Superior of The Holy Conservative Empire, Sarah Palin.
It has now been learned that, to his dubious credit, Pres. Barack "The Hit Man" Obama, is no shrinking violet when it comes to pulling the plug on those whom his death panel deems unfit to continue drawing breath.
During his campaign for the presidency, Obama, in an effort to boost his sagging poll numbers, traveled to Hawaii to visit his grandmother, who was, at the time, enjoying unusually robust health for an 86-year old woman. Less than one month after that dark visit, the grandmother, who had continued to go surfing on a regular basis, DIED.
THE DAY BEFORE THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
Now, in the middle of the raging health care debate in which the forces of evil have been shouted down by America-loving, God-fearing, right-wing white-haired white people, who just happen to be employed by giant insurance conglomerates, comes the unexpected death of Sen. Ted Kennedy at his home on Cape Cod, JUST DAYS AFTER THE OBAMA FAMILY WENT TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
Undocumented, but incredibly reliable sources who have recently been released by their alien abductors and are related to a cousin who swears that they know somebody who was actually there, have indicated that Obama paid an unannounced, top-secret midnight visit to Sen. Kennedy, who had just arrived back home from an invigorating sail around Cape Cod to demonstrate his excellent physical condition. Obama met privately with the senator, telling him, "Ted, we're in trouble on this health care thingy and I need your help. I need you to take one for the team. Can I count on you?"
The senator, ever the unwitting dupe, replied, "Of course. I'll do whatever you want."
Those were the last words spoken by the distinguished gentleman from Massachusetts.
Hours later, the news of Kennedy's death was beamed across America.
In a statement prepared days earlier that was read to the press, the Obama administration praised the late senator, saying, "Sen. Kennedy was a lion in the Senate. He lived to the ripe old age of 77 and had a good, long life. He was a champion for health care reform, which shall now be known as "The Kennedy Bill" because his passing gives us added momentum to pass this legislation. His lengthy service to his country should be his lasting legacy."
"Not to mention that he outlived his brothers, so there's that, too."
"You know, Ted, I'm not liking what I see here on your heart monitor. Let's see if we can't tweak it a little bit for you......"