Sunday, August 2, 2009

On A Roll Now, Sarasota Reveals Latest Pillar of Community To Be Exposed As Scam Artiste

The Herald-Tribune has written this expose to shed some light on how one of this city's preeminent young movers and shakers has his New Age investors now moving to recoup their money and the rest of us shaking our collective heads at how unenlightened these enlightened people are. It must be us......

First, Art Nadel, then the Morgans and now the Diamonds, proud papa, 'Fit For Life' Harvey and his 24-kt. son, 'Set For Life' Beau. (My God, just having the name 'Beau' should be enough to make people wary about giving him their money!) There is obviously something in our water supply that not only turns our copper piping into Swiss cheese, but turns seemingly normal people into financial lemmings. And, no, the water doesn't create these high-brow criminals because they deign only to sip bottled water imported at great expense from some small, exclusive spring on the Continent or from specially selected icebergs floating around the Antarctic that have been certified free from penquin poop.

The younger Diamond--or the Diamond in the rough, if you will--explained to willing investors that his uncanny investing success was based on his 'mastery' of the "Four Magic Pillars." I'm hardly New Age; in fact, I'm old enough to remember the last Ice Age, but wouldn't you be just the least bit skeptical of an investment strategy based on "magic", unless you were David Copperfield or the guy who blew himself up in a Clearwater hotel on live television and made a 'miraculous' escape that nobody for one second believed was magical or miraculous.

Part of Diamond's pitch was giving potential investors a gift box containing gems. Diamond? Gems? Oooooh, that's a good one, Beau!

The boxes contained a deep purple amethyst, which, as everyone knows, "stabilizes and balances the aura." I should get one of those deep purple amethysts to keep in my old '97 Toyota pick-up truck so I don't have to take it to Big Tony's Italian Deli and Garage for an alignment and wheel balancing every six months. And, yes, I know every six months seems too often for those services, but, if you skip an appointment, Big Tony sends a couple guys out to find me and then I end up with medical bills in addition to my truck repair bill. And you never get off his mailing list, either.

Diamond's gift package also included an amber-colored citrine to help in "working out problems on both the physical and subtle levels." You mean 'problems' like YOU stealing my money???

But, wait, there's more: act now and he included, not one, but THREE "white clear double terminated quartz crystals," two of which were to be given as "gifts to two people you would like to see have more prosperity in their lives this year," Diamond wrote. You know, if the Sarasota Police Dept. had any class, they would have offered Juan Perez one of these gift boxes to settle any lawsuit claim for getting his ass kicked a couple weeks ago. It would have worked, too; didn't we only spend like 26 bucks in beads and hair care products to buy Manhattan some years back? Given Perez' concussion, he would have thought he just got a million dollars. Which, after the trial, is what he'll probably end up with. His attorney will get the other $37 million.

Sarasota tax attorney and Ashtanga yoga (as opposed to your regular run-of-the-mill yoga) teacher, John McKenney, dropped over 200 grand into this scheme. Makes you wonder about this guy doing your taxes, but, hey, he's a attorney, so he's gotta be, like, a genius or something and strictly on the up and up, right?

Meanwhile, Beau Diamond pooh-poohs the very idea of anything even hinting at a crime being committed here by telling his investors, "funds were not stolen, they were lost and misinvested."
I don't know about you, but I just got the warm and fuzzies from reading that and want to send the guy a check right now, except, that alas, it is an e-x-c-l-u-s-i-v-e club, after all. And I ain't.

The article states that the Diamonds are being investigated by the CFTC (Commodities Future Trading Commission), the FBI and the IRS. I say if they really want their money back from these guys, they should drop by Big Tony's Italian Deli and Garage and ask him to do an 'investigation.' And tell them One-Eyed Dick sent you. Maybe I can finally get off his damn mailing list.

"I can get you your money for nothing and your chicks for free. You have my word on it."

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