According to the prospectus, the fledgling business will capitalize on the runaway success of Pres. Obama's so-called "Beer Summit," where the president met with police Sgt. James Crowley, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and, never one to miss a free beer or a photo-op, Vice-President Joe Biden. With his new company, tentatively titled, oddly enough, "Beer Summits," Diamond hopes to fill a niche in our troubled world.
"I envision "Beer Summits" taking the place of many traditional mediation outlets," he said, ticking off numerous examples, like:
- street fights and drive-by shootings,
- confrontations between neighbors,
- divorce and custody battles,
- church softball league rainouts,
- union and labor relations conflicts,
- small claims court,
- the United Nations
"Once this concept takes off here in Sarasota, I can see this idea going national, maybe even one day global. Imagine a world without armed conflict, just two power-mad dictators sitting at a picnic table having a beer, figuring out how to rape and plunder their countries evenly. It would be a beautiful thing," he said, his voice cracking.
"Just picture the leaders of the G-20 and the protesters who always follow them around, drinking beer, finding common ground. Even pro-life and pro-choice factions could get together, throw back a couple cold ones and come to the realization that, hey, we're all the same here, just that some of us are a little more nutty than others, that's all."Diamond says he's already gotten a call from the NCAA, of all people. "They want to know if the "Beer Summit" would be right for them, so they could scrap the whole BCS thing."
He intends to start out small, limiting his immediate projects to here in Sarasota. "We will initially focus on local disputes, like landlord vs. tenant, bank foreclosure vs. underwater homeowner, greedy investor vs. even-greedier scam artists, Confederate flag waver vs. pistol-pulling shooter and the like," Diamond offered.
"In no time, "Beer Summits" will be wildly popular and making money for those wise enough to have gotten in on the first floor. They will also be given first shot at investing in my new "Beer Summits School," where we will teach the rudiments of operating a beer summit franchise in the enrollee's own hometown," gushed Diamond. "This is the freshest idea to come along since hockey came to Sarasota!"
In an interesting side development, attorneys for Mr. & Mrs. Max Herrera, targets of a wrongful death lawsuit when they supplied beer to their son's teenage house party that ended in the brawling death of 18-year old Greg Kennedy, are researching Diamond's concept. Said one attorney, "We will contend that the Herrera's were only engaging in a prototype version of his "Beer Summit" and that he, Mr. Diamond and, therefore, by extension, President Obama, should ultimately be held liable for this unfortunate incident."