Friday, August 7, 2009

Freed Journalists Relate Dread Of Plane Ride Home With Clinton

Speaking freely for the first time from the safety of their own homes just days after their release from North Korea, journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling, have broken their silence about the single most frightening aspect of their months of captivity--the long airplane ride home with former-Pres. Bill Clinton.

Said Ms. Lee, "The North Koreans treated us fairly and kindly, even though we were held in isolation since March. And even when their courts sentenced us to 12 years of hard labor, in our hearts, we knew it was just posturing on their part. We were certain that we would be released, most likely to either ex-Pres. Jimmy Carter, who's known for this kind of thing, or to Sec. of State, Hillary Clinton."

"Imagine our horror when we entered the room and saw Bill Clinton standing there with that trademark lecherous grin on his face. He said, 'Girls, I'm here to take you home,' and winked at us. Realizing we would have to appear grateful to him and spend hour upon hour alone with him in the confined space of an airplane, Laura and I were almost ready to turn around and go back. Twelve years isn't that long, we thought......" her voice trailing off.

Ms Ling picked up the story, "To make matters worse, when we asked him why his wife didn't at least accompany him, he replied, 'Hil's in Kenya and like she always says, 'When there's a young girl involved, Bill is always ready to go. In more ways than one, if you get my drift.' He laughed and said, 'God, I love that woman.'"

According to Ms Ling, Clinton also volunteered for the rescue mission as a favor to his fomer Vice -President, Al Gore, who owns the cable TV station where both young women work and were on assignment when they were detained. "I told Al that I would come for y'all," Clinton told the women, "because I figured I owed him something for kinda screwing--no pun intended, ladies--him out of the presidency. I don't know if I would have done it, though, if the hostages weren't two lovely ladies like yourselves."

Some of their worst fears were realized on their journey home, when Mr. Clinton appeared in the airplane's cabin in a smoking jacket and silk pajamas, carrying an open bottle of wine and three glasses. "I told the boys in the cockpit to lower the lights, so you girls could relax a little bit. Ever wonder why it's called a 'cockpit', honey?" he drawled.

Both women related how Mr. Clinton began regaling them with stories of how he had to broker their release. "I had to bring Kim Jong Il a dozen cheeseburgers from McDonald's--luckily I bought two dozen. It was a long plane ride over here, you know. Then, he wanted a pair of 4" platform shoes, size 6 1/2. I had to send an aide scrambling all over New York trying to find those. 6 1/2 shoes--you know what they say about small hands and feet, don't you, girls? Now, myself, I wear a size 12......"

"The worst thing I had to do to get that little bastard to let you go was sit through this piece of crap movie. TWICE!" Clinton said, pulling out a laptop and scrunching himself in between the two women.

After the propaganda film about the Communist dictator was over, Clinton pushed another key which started another video on the computer screen, only this time it was of Mr. Clinton himself, clad only in a leopard-print Speedo, lounging around a swimming pool, while several young girls in bikinis cavorted in the water behind him.

"You know, girls, if it wasn't for you two, I could be here right now," he said softly. "Why don't you show your Uncle Billy how much you appreciate him coming for you."

At this, both journalists ran to the airplane's lavatory and locked themselves inside for the remainder of the flight.

As the plane touched down and the three disembarked, Clinton touched Ms Ling on the shoulder and whispered, "You wouldn't happen to have an older, grateful sister by any chance, would you?" ogling CNN reporter, Lisa Ling, waiting on the tarmac for her sister, Laura, to descend the stairs from the plane.

Once the women were on the ground, they briefly exchanged hugs with their families, then were whisked away by motorcade to their respective homes.

Said Ms. Lee later, "Honestly, after that whole experience on the plane with that man, all we wanted to do was go home and take a shower."

1 comment:

  1. Ungrateful cunts! I wish they would have stayed!