Sunday, August 2, 2009

Pope Benedict XVI Completes New Album; Vatican Planning Blow Out Release Party

Vatican officials offered a glimpse today into what promises to be the most memorable celebration in the Holy City's storied history to kick off the release of the Pontiff's first album on the Roman Catholic Church's label, Rosary Records.

The Holy See, organizers of the event, released a guest list that is a veritable who's who of the entertainment industry, from latin crooner Marc Anthony to hip hop's Jay-Z. In addition to the Holy Father singing selected tracks off his new album entitled Forget John Paul II--This Pope's Gonna Rock Your World, special musical guests and hottest new act to come out of V-town, as Vatican City has come to be known, are to be glam-rockers NWA--Nuns With Attitude.

Executive producer for the album, Puffio Daddilini, says, "Pope Benny was cool to work with. He showed up ready to work everyday and put 110% of himself into this project, totally blocking out the distractions of being the spiritual leader of 1.1 billion Roman Catholics while we were recording. I've known a lot of artists in my day, but never anyone as focused as the XVI-man."

A complete playlist of the album has not been released to the public, but anonymous sources indicate the Pope runs the gamut of pop music in his debut offering, from a cover of Tupac Shakur's gangsta rap classic Is There A Ghetto In Heaven to a pulsating techno-pop duet with Lady Gaga on a catchy riff of her monster hit Poker Face, reconfigured as Pope R Face.

The only slow spot on the album is the obligatory duet with Bono, singing about children dying from famine or genocide or some such nonsense, where it's painfully apparent that the Pope's head just isn't into such heavy-handed message music. He shines, however, on those tracks when he gets to rock out and let loose, as demonstrated on his soon-to-be-classic dance track with Black Eyed Peas frontman, will. i. am, My Humps.

While some in the religious world fear that His Holiness will lose credibility with the faithful, Pope Benedict XVI assures his flock, "My music is a gift to be shared with the world, just as the
Gospel is a gift to be shared with the world. If I can reach out to those who have not heard the Word by getting them listen to me crank out Slayer's old death metal hit Hell Awaits, will not the end justify the means?

One of the more controversial tracks is sure to be the Pope's version of the John Lennon tune Imagine. The Pope dismisses criticism where the writer "imagines.... no religion.....," saying, "I'm sure John was not referring to the Roman Catholic religion, just all the other so-called religions of the world, which we all know are directly rooted in and propagated by Satanism."

Shaken by the recent death of Michael Jackson, the producers convinced the Holy Father to lay down an additonal bonus track for the CD. The Pope's version of Thriller is already a runaway hit in Europe and the video of the College of Cardinal's doing the dance (a la the Filipino prisoners) is a viral sensation and will be featured in the single's music video.

"Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart...... Cause this is thriller, thriller night....."

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