Sunday, August 30, 2009

Venerable Downtown Sarasota Book Seller Closing, To Be Replaced With Adult Books and Movies

The much beloved and loquaciously-lamented loss of Sarasota News and Books to the harsh realities of capitalism by the local literati is about to take a decidedly devilish turn. Apparently, the prized location on Sarasota's prestigious Main St. is soon going to be home to a new bookstore: Overcoat Ed's Adult Book Emporium.

Longboat Key resident, Edward "Overcoat Ed" Edwards, shown here at a recent black-tie gala at his Gulfside estate, owns a chain of adult book stores in 7 states.
"When I moved into my place out there on Longboat Island," he said, "I figured this town could use an Overcoat Ed's. It is, after all, where Pee-Wee got busted playin' wit' his pee-pee, ain't it? But, then I'm thinkin' that maybe Sarasota's too classy and got too much culture and crap, you know. So's I'm drivin' around and noticed that the book stores like Barnes & Noble and Borders ain't hardly got no cars at them and Sarasota News and Books had nuttin' but snooty broads wearin' their berets, sittin' around sippin' java with their pinkies up in the air. You ain't makin' no money like that!"

"The place wit' the most cars? Wal-Mart, sure; but those XTC Adult Stores were jammed every time I drove by one. I'm figurin', hey, that's right up my friggin' alley, you know?"

"Once they close up shop on Monday and get all those crummy books outta there, I'm gonna have my guys go in there and gut the place so I can put in live-show booths and private movie booths and stuff. My customers don't sit around nursin' a cuppa coffee while they read a 50-cent newspaper for an hour, they're in there plunkin' down dollar after dollar to watch some chick get nekkid or to watch some movie. Any youse college girls out there lookin' for some part-time work, I'm hirin'......"

Said one former bookstore regular, "To employ a literary expression here, we're caught in a real "Catch 22" situation . On one hand, we are appalled that our former bastion of free speech is closing and being replaced by some smarmy, sleazy dirty book store, but, yet, as enlightened liberals, we must not put ourselves in a positon to oppose Mr. Edwards' pursuit of his First Amendment rights to free speech. What to do?"

Another Sarasota News and Books aficionado expressed concern that crime and community degradation would follow. Replied Mr. Edwards, "Hell, yeah, it will. Happens every time I open one of these joints. What's yer friggin' point, ya pin-head?"

Edwards says his new adult book store will make some concessions to the particular demographics of the community, stocking porn with such titles as "Babes in Walker-land," " Support-Hose Vixens," "GGMilfs," "Men With Big Canes," and the wildly popular series, "Grandmas Gone Wild."

"Hey, if this works out, then I'm buyin' the joint next door and puttin' in a shooting range." Edward "Overcoat Ed" Edwards

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