Thursday, August 13, 2009

Sarasota Arts Panel Says 'No' To "Unconditional Surrender," Obama Death Panel Says 'RIP Old-Timer'

Sarasota's shadowy "Public Arts Committee" held an emergency meeting at Nick's Bar on Bee Ridge Road on Tues. night and debated the fate of Seward Johnson's 'Unconditional Surrender' until being ushered from the establishment around 12:30 AM, when the bartender realized that the credit card offered by a committee member used to run the tab was an expired Home Depot gift card. As the members exited the bar, they told the bar's owner, Nick, to send the bill for the evening's libations to 1618 Main St. in Sarasota.

A quick check in the telephone book revealed that the address is for the now defunct Scoop Management.

The Sarasota P.A.C. informed city commissioners that they voted unanimously 5-0 to bar the sculpture from Sarasota's bayfront. Spokescritic and Sarasota bon vivant, Virginia Hoffman, eloquently summed up the P.A.C. position thusly: "We want that piece of shit outta here and we want it outta here now, so we can bring in even more shit for the next Season of Sculpture!"

Ms. Hoffman, in addition to being the voice of good taste in Sarasota, is also the ex-wife of Sarasota bad boy Art Nadel. It has been said that his divorce from Ms. Hoffman put Nadel on the downward spiral to a life of crime, fraud and corruption, leading up to his confinement today in a Manhattan prison cell, where he continues to pine for Ms. Hoffman. "All I ever wanted was to be good enough for her," he has been quoted as saying. "All I ever wanted to do was please her, but her standards are so high......"

Ms. Hoffman also told the city commissioners that the sculpture is suffering from corrosion, weakening the structural integrity of the piece. She said she had personally contacted President Obama's 'Death Panel' in Washington and told them about the corrosion. Ms. Hoffman then read the following statement from the 'Death Panel':

"It is the learned opinion of this august panel that the sculpture known as "Unconditional Surrender" be terminated forthwith and with extreme prejudice. It makes no economic sense to continue the argument regarding the placement of this sculpture when it's time is clearly past. Just like all the old geezers and geezerettes whose lackluster and, quite frankly, questionable service to this country during some war that nobody remembers or cares about any more is represented by this tawdry reproduction, it is not only time for them to be put out to pasture, but plowed under the pasture as soon as they can be rounded up at the nursing homes where everybody over 70-years old should all live."

Rich Swier, president of the county's veteran's commission and official 'Windbag of the Suncoast', expressed outrage at the decision: "They just blew off the people of Sarasota. That's MY job. I'm the guy pushing to drill for oil on our beaches, regardless of what the people of Sarasota want. I said it before and I'll say it again, 'If you don't like looking at oil derricks, look the other way. How about that?'"

"Their (the Public Arts Commission) arrogance is astounding to me. And, believe me, as a State Senator, I know arrogance...."

FL Sen. Mike Bennett

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