Sunday, August 30, 2009

Scooter Gangs Take Over Englewood To Protest Arrest Of One of Their Own, Gov. Crist Mulls National Guard Intervention

The arrest of notorious scooter gang kingpin, Herb "The Leg Buster" Jean, 80, has sparked an all-out war in the normally sleepy village of Englewood, FL. Jean's arrest for riding his electric scooter on the municipal sidewalks was long overdue, according to some local residents, who did not want to be identified for fear of reprisal by Jean's henchmen.

On Weds., the gang task force of the Englewood Police Dept executed the traffic stop arrest of Jean. Officers from the tactical unit, as well as uniformed patrol officers, participated in the arrest. A police dept. spokescop said, "We knew full well who we were dealing with here. Jean is well-known in law enforcement circles and we weren't about to take any chances with the safety of our personnel. While our tac unit surveiled Mr. Jean, Englewood Police evacuated the neighborhood and laid down a spiked stop strip across the sidewalk on McCall. The Task Force then initiated pursuit of Mr. Jean on his scooter, forcing him onto the spike strip and into the waiting roadblock. It was textbook."

Citing Jean for being in violation of Florida Motor Vehicle Code Statute 316.1995, he was arraigned before a magistrate before being whisked away to jail at an undisclosed location. When news of his arrest was announced, members of his gang assembled at their local hangout, the Englewood Senior Citizens Center, to plot revenge on the town they thought they had under their greasy, lawless thumbs.

Johnny Strabler, Jean's right-hand man and second-in-command of the infamous scooter gang, The Englewood Ass-Kickers Scooter Club, told the amassed gang members, "We ain't about to let Herb rot in some jail somewhere. This town's gonna pay for what they done to Leg Buster!"

Kathie Bleeker, local 76-year old tart who hangs out at Bleeker's Cafe, insists that Herb Jean is not a criminal, he's just misunderstood. "A few years back," she says wistfully, while peering out the window of the cafe, "a rival gang--the Venice Vipers--rolled into town. Herb and his friends stood up to them, telling them that Englewood was their town and that I was his girl and made them skedaddle. Ever since then, I've seen Herbie in a different light, but I knew our love could never be. He'll always be that renegade, that lone wolf, that unbroken stallion....... Well, that, plus he's already married."

This weekend, the sidewalks of Englewood buzzed with the din of nearly a hundred electric scooters, as they careened up and down the ribbons of concrete at speeds up to nearly 4 miles-per-hour, daring the local police force to confront them. Said one terrified resident from behind her closed door, "All that dang humming from those scooters is playing hell with my hearing aids. And the electrical interference makes it so I can hardly see Vanna turn the letters on Wheel of Fortune.

Businesses have reported wholesale vandalism and looting. One of the most troubling reports came from the local Walgreen's where an undetermined amount of Viagra and iron supplements were stolen, along with several cases of Metamucil.

Englewood terrrorized by roving bands of leather-clad, jazzed up hot-head senior citizens, just like these:

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