Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Chairman of Sarasota Republican Party, Joe Gruters, Solves Immigration "Problem"

A Sarasota Herald-Tribune guest editorial by Joe "Hi, I'm A Rich, White Guy, Who Lives In A Rich, White City And Heads Up A Local Bunch Of Rich, White Republicans, Eminently Qualifying Me To Tell You What's Wrong With Those Dirty Mexicans" Gruters, esteemed chairman of the Sarasota Republican Party, has, once again, proven that rich, white guys can not only spell "hubris," they revel in living it.

True to his Sarasota political environment, Gruters wants to form a committee (preferably comprised of highly-paid Republican lobbyists, one would imagine) to determine why Mexicans are so desperate to leave the grinding poverty, soaring unemployment and lethal drug-related violence of their homeland to sneak themselves and their families into the US to try and earn a living. Gruters writes, "Mexico is a wonderful country, rich with its colorful history, cultural traditions and natural resources." You mean all of Mexico isn't like Acapulco and Cabo San Lucas?

Gruters decries the monopolies in Mexico, citing them as a reason for the Mexican diaspora. Careful there, you're treading on shaky ground with that scurrilous anti-capitalism talk, Mr. Republican. He, then, compounds his borderline treasonous thinking by deciding that the Mexican government "has been slow to break (the monopolies) up."

Mexican monopolies =BAD!
American monopolies=GOOD!
Mexican government interference=GOOD!
American government interference=BAD!

Halfway through the article, Gruters redeems himself by getting to the crux of the matter: it's Obama's fault. Like, who didn't know that was coming?? "Our president, despite his sworn obligation as commander-in-chief to defend us, has indicated his intent t launch the attorney general into an investigation of the state of Arizona!" Not sure why Gruters is complaining, though; wait 'til Obama directs the US Attorney General to investigate the shady goings-on by Republicans in Tallahassee and Sarasota--then he'll really have something to worry about.

Gruters, again, shoots himself in the foot--right through his $960 black leather and snakeskin with dark grey crocodile trim Gucci loafers--when he invokes the name of sainted-Republican Ronald Reagan, equating him with a failed policy: "Amnesty is the same solution tried under Ronald Reagan, and it did not work then either." Oooh, there goes a couple thousand in donations to the local party......

"Because the government will not perform its duty, groups of individual citizens (read: trigger-happy Tea Partiers, wannabe Wyatt Earps and other assorted NRA gunslinging "patriots") have joined together to patrol the border."

In conclusion, Gruters declares that: "It is time to put a lid on Mexico and apply pressure on the Mexican government to correct the problems that lead its citizens to flee in desperation." Therefore, immediately, America will stop exporting guns across the border to Mexico, America will stop importing cocaine from Mexico, America will mow its own lawns, America will pick its own tomatoes, lettuce, oranges, etc., America will dig its own ditches, America will do its own roofing, concrete work, etc., America will stock its own shelves, America will wash and wax its own cars, America will do every other hot, dirty, back-breaking, thankless job that we secretly are glad to pay peanuts to illegals to do, but will continue to publicly rail against their presence in our most-holy land. 'Cause we're like that......

"I'm Joe Gruters, chairman of the Republican Party of Sarasota. As a rich, white guy, I, personally, have nothing against Mexicans. Some of my best friends are.........well, let's not go that far.

"But, I did dress up like one for Halloween last year. Ay, chimichanga!"

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