Friday, December 4, 2009

Sarasota Police Review Board Meeting Erupts In Violence, Votes 7-5 To Call Hillsborough Sheriff's Dept. For Help Instead Of Sarasota PD

Sarasota politicians, in particular City Manager, Robert Bartolotta, sensing some citizen unease with the manner in which justice is dispensed in the city, recently formed a Police Advisory Panel to investigate police procedure and protocol. Sparked by the outcry over the controversial public drunkeness arrest and subsequent mishandling of an attempted $400 payoff to the non-English speaking offender to waive any future litigation against the city, Bartolotta asked the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office to conduct a thorough and impartial investigation of the actions of the Sarasota PD, as only a fraternal law enforcement office could.

The HCSO, of course, found their brother officers at the Sarasota PD without culpability, although their report hinted ever so slightly at some minor lapses in judgement. Bartolotta, with his finger on the pulse of the community and fearing a wholesale uprising, not to mention the loss of his job, fired one patrol officer, reprimanded some others, docked the chief a couple weeks pay and pronounced the matter resolved.

City commissioners, however, decided to form the review board after it was apparent that the matter was not resolved. In a break from their usual ploy of hiring a consultant whenever there's a problem involving city government, they organized a volunteer panel, but hired three well-paid technical advisors to shepherd the volunteers.

The panel, made up of individuals with diverse ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds, has a 6-month time frame in which to solve the police department's ills, if, in fact, there are any to be found. The board faced its first crisis when one member suggested that they should accompany officers on 'ride alongs' as they patrol the streets of the city.

Said panel member, Mr. Biggie Hustla, reknowned gangbanger, "Yo, I already knows the cops is killaz. I ain't got to go for no ride along wit dem to see dat, dawg. I been on enough ride alongs wit dem already, if you knows what I mean, yo."

Representing the Hispanic community, Mr. Hector Gonzalez-Gonzalez de Fuego Martinez de Carlos Pena O'brien, offered that, like Mr. Hustla, he, too, felt that ride alongs with the police were a non-effective use of the board members' time. He didn't actually use those exact words, or any words, for that matter, but everyone in the room took his savage, penetrating glower to mean that.

Police activist and outspoken law enforcement supporter, Officer Billy Bob Lamarr, told the others that police ride alongs would enhance their understanding of the often-volatile situations in which officers find themselves. "You come along with me some night on patrol," he said, " and we'll bust some heads, we'll kick some ass, we'll teach some of these rat-bastard punks to respect the law, all right. It's easy pickings at the DUI checkpoint outside of the Friday night bingo game at St. Euthanasius. Those blue-haired old biddies won't know what hit them."

Board member, Vizo 'Shorty Redbone' Rusmenko, current juvenile offender and future head of the local chapter of the Russian mob in Sarasota, wanted to ensure that the city's criminal youth would not be given short shrift in the discussion. "I'll bust a cap in the ass of any you bitches that says I got it easy 'cause I'm a kid. You hear me? I mean it. Quit looking at me, pus face! Mr. Chairman, he's looking at me......."

Panel chairperson and aspiring music entrepreneur, DJ Jiggy Bee Bizzle Blang-Thang (Reginald Van Winterburn, of the Longboat Key Winterburns), said that the Sarasota Police Dept. would receive a fair and unbiased critique of their actions from the review board. "Let me assure the people of Sarasota that this assemblage of fair-minded citizens will endeavor to remain impartial, unprejudiced and without preclusion, in order to arrive at a just and reasonable course of action for city government to initiate. Fo' sho', y'all."
Respect the grill.............

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