Sunday, December 27, 2009

Rumors Of Infidelity Swirl Around Urban Meyer's Sudden Departure From Gators

Sources in Gainesville report that there is hushed innuendo regarding Urban Meyer's sudden departure as head coach of the University of Florida football program that involves his 23-year marriage to wife, Shelly. Gator insiders have long hinted at, what some term, an "inordinately close relationship with his star quarterbacks" that have, at times, put the 45-year old football icon at odds with his wife.

In 2004, after taking the University of Utah to an unprecedented 12-0 record, including a Fiesta Bowl win, Meyer chose to leave a football program he had built into a powerhouse at the same time his star quarterback at the school, Alex Smith, graduated and went on to become the NFL's first round draft pick overall. Meyer was emotionally devastated when Smith graduated and turned pro.

Allegations that Meyer and Smith were more than coach and player abounded at the primarily Mormon university and Meyer was asked to step down when it was learned that Meyers was stalking Smith to the point of calling the front office of the San Francisco 49ers, Smith's new team, and telling them he wanted a job--any job--with the team, just to be close to his former quarterback. Said one school administrator, "Being Mormon, we wouldn't have cared if Urban would have been chasing some coed around, wanting to be married to more than one wife, but we put our foot down when it comes to requiring that the wives all have to be female. And they should be, at least, 12-years old. We do have our standards, after all."

Meyer, apparently spurned by Smith and the 49ers, accepted the head coaching position at Florida the next year, essentially, to be "as far away as humanly possible from San Francisco and that man, Smith, and not having to coach, like, the Newfoundland Flounders in the Canadian Football League."

In 2006, he struck up a friendship with a reserve freshman quarterback named Tim Tebow, who became the starter the following season, eventually winning, not only the Heisman Trophy that year, but the heart of his coach, as well. By all accounts, the attraction was mutual.

The strain on Meyer's marriage was palpable and it was believed that wife, Shelly, stayed with Urban just for the sake of Gator Nation, hoping that life would get back to normal when Tebow graduated in 2009.

Then, during the SEC title game in Atlanta, the tension of Tebow's imminent departure from Meyer's life came to a head, so much so that Tebow left the field of play in tears and Meyer was so overwhelmed that he checked himself into a hospital.

Then, right before Christmas, Shelly Meyer supposedly found a locket that her husband intended to give Tebow, with the inscription:
.... whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried....

Unconfirmed reports from unsubstantiated sources indicate that Urban Meyer was chased from his Gainesville home in the wee hours of the morning by his incensed wife, who was wielding a 7-iron in a menacing manner. (Mrs. Meyer had, some time ago, recorded a public service announcement promoting marriage in Orlando with Elin Woods.) University officials believe that it was this incident that prompted Meyer to claim that he was stepping down as head coach due to "health reasons."

To add to his health woes, Meyer has apparently just suffered an acute attack of Brett Favre Syndrome and has announced his 'unretirement.' He is unsure when he will return to active coaching, as he has informed aides that he will be taking some time off to hike the Appalachian Trail. In Argentina.

While all of Gator Nation holds its collective breath to see what Meyer's next move will be, UF admits to offering a 10-year long-term contract package to Joe Paterno, head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions. The 83-year old coaching legend has reportedly turned down the offer saying, "Youse guys should probably get somebody younger, like Bobby Bowden. He's unemployed and he's only 80. I've probably only got another 7-8 good years left in me to coach at this level. Urban's right; coaching is a high stress job. Although, ha, to be 'burned out' at 45 does seem--I don't know--kinda wussy to me. I mean, he hasn't even broken a hip yet, has he?"

"Timmy, I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly."


  1. Dusty Doe says:

    My sister is that cheerleader and she would appreciate if you keep this a personal matter.

  2. Urban Myers is a faggot and that's disgusting!!! He must love the smell of do-do!! I hope in my heart that he reads this and approaches me, I'll kick his punk ass up and down the street!! faggot m.f.

  3. B.S. that is all this is.