Monday, December 7, 2009

An Open Letter Of Apology To Mr. Timotheus Richard (the Lionhearted) Tebow

To: Tim Tebow, his extended family, his heirs and assigns, his attorneys, his agent, the NCAA, the NFL, members of the F*O*R*M*E*R*L*Y #1-ranked University of Florida football team, the UF student body and its alumni, all of Gatornation, casual followers of collegiate athletics, Baptists, Pentecostals, Evangelicals, Eldrick and Elin Woods, all future Mrs. Tebows and, especially, YOU, Mr. or Ms. Anonymous:

Mea culpa. I have sinned.

I do hereby retract and renounce everything I said in the previous installment of this wretched, hate-filled sinkhole of a blog. In a feeble and misguided attempt at humor, I inadvertently sullied and besmirched the sterling reputation of Mr. Tebow. Moreover, I grovelingly apologize to anyone of the four people who have had occasion to read this poor drivel. I have been sufficiently chastised and admonished and I have seen the light!

Can I get an "amen?"

In response to my previous post, I received this scathing rebuke in the comment section:

Anonymous said...
Hey, come on this is just absolutely ridiculous. For you to post something like this and try and accuse Tim of drinking, exposure, and worse things that i can not even say, is insane. Everything you wrote is false, even your picture is a fake. i mean seriously, come on. I have spent hours researching Tim Tebow after their loss to alabama and nothing backs you up. The gators lost this game, but in the end it all comes down to the more important things. Tim Tebow is a great guy, one that sets an example to everyone. He is truly a man after God's own heart. You can see it in him everytime you see him, hear him, etc. He loves the Lord, and proves it through his life. Tim has been an inspiration to me, an encouragement, and has given me the heart to be on fire for God even more than i ever had. He's given me courage to be strong around those who persecute me for my faith in Jesus Christ. I don't care what anyone says about me, infact, i have this desire to reach out to my friends even more. I know i am not the only one, their are many, many, more who have been touched by Tim. Tebow is truly a great big brother, and one that's loved. He has showed unbelievable strength not only physically, but spiritually. He has an amazing story, a love so great, and most of all he's a man after God's own heart. So with that being said, everything said against Tebow is only persecution and attacks, but all it does is build one up even stronger. The Lord has a way of doing that. The gator's may have lost one game, and even if they lost all their games, that doesn't matter, they'll always be my favorite. Tim, the coach, and the team have done a great job. And in my book, they're WINNERS! Tim will always be my favorite football player and overall, a blessing... Thanks Tim Tebow!!! You'll always be in my prayers and God Bless you!....

People often think i am crazy with my choice, but when i decided i didn't have anyone i really caared for, i guess i just started looking.....

PS What you did was not satire, but slander.

And, so it shall be, henceforth from this day forward.

Can you please call off the plagues now?

  1. Turning the water into blood in the retention pond behind the house has killed all the fish and the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission is asking me a lot of uncomfortable questions,

  2. The frogs are getting out of hand, as they are all through the house and I'm feeling all warty,

  3. The lice are awful, but I guess it's better than having crabs,

  4. I have six bug zappers in the house and they can't keep up with all the flies,

  5. Now the guy who grazes his cattle in Palmer Ranch is accusing me of murdering his livestock,

  6. My health plan doesn't cover being infected with these festering boils,

  7. The hailstorm has just shredded the pool cage,

  8. Locusts have denuded every green thing in the entire neighborhood and the Homeowner's Association is up in arms,

  9. These last three days of darkness are not doing much for my tan, and, worst of all,

  10. Some kid showed up at my door today saying he was my long, lost first-born son that I never knew I had and then he dropped over dead!

Enough with the plagues, already. I said that you won. You're right, I'm wrong.


sat-ire (n.) 1. use of wit to criticize behavior: the use of wit, especially irony, sarcasm, and ridicule

slan-der (n.) 1. false and damaging statement: a false and malicious statement that damages somebody's reputation

Ergo, if I thought I was being witty (which I did, but then, I am easily amused) and since your opinion of Master Tim's reputation was not diminished by reading my post, ipso facto, corpus dilecti, it should be considered satire and not slander, as you so slanderously suggested, you slanderer!

I will, however, agree 113% (allowing for inflation) with one of your last statements, to wit: "People often think i (sic) am crazy...."

Why, yes; yes, I do.

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