Thursday, December 31, 2009

Threat of Violence Hangs Heavy Over Hospital Where Rush Limbaugh Recuperates

Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a hospital following a vicious attack at a Honolulu fruit and vegetable market, where he was shot numerous times at close range by two unknown assailants.

The two gunmen, possibly affiliated with White House enforcer, Rahm Emanuel, are believed to have acted at the behest of President Obama in his well-publicized bid to take over Fox News. Both men were vacationing in Hawaii when the incident occurred.

That evening, when close friend and political ally, Glenn Beck, went to the hospital to visit Limbaugh, he was struck by the singular lack of security at the facility as he walked the dark and deserted halls, finding not even a single guard stationed outside the room of the wounded icon nor any activity of any kind at Hawaii's premier medical complex.

Beck's visit with his unconscious friend was interrupted by a single nurse, who informed him that the police made everyone leave about ten minutes ago, citing too many visitors. Beck asked the nurse to stay while he called Limbaugh's close friend and Republican leader, former Vice-President Dick Cheney.

"Listen, I got here late. There's nobody here. Nobody--no O'Reilly, no Hannity, no detectives, nobody. Rushbo's all alone. Send somebody right away."

Beck then told the nurse to help him relocate Limbaugh's bed to another room.

"You know my friend? Men are coming here to kill him. You understand? Now help me, please."

Just as the two wheeled the bed into another room, Beck heard a door close down the hall and saw an unfamiliar figure holding flowers, apparently looking for a particular room. Beck, wiping tears from his constantly weeping eyes when in the presence of other right-wing conservatives, confronted the figure, "Who are you?"

"I'm Sarah, Sarah Palin. Don't you remember me?" came the answer.

"Ahhh, Sarah. You better get out of here, Sarah; there's gonna be trouble... No, wait. Maybe YOU should stay and I should go if there's gonna be trouble...."

"If there is trouble, I'm stayin' right here to help you, you betcha. For our friend--for our America."

Beck turned to the prone Limbaugh to tell him that he would take care of him, kissed his hand and sobbed loudly. Palin struggled to pull Beck away from Limbaugh's bedside, finally loosening his grasp on Limbaugh's hand, and the two made their way from the room and waited outside at the entrance to the hospital.

Beck turned to Palin and pulled up the genuine baby seal fur collar on her familiar red suit. "Come here. Put your hand in your pocket like you have a gun. You'll be alright, you'll be okay. I don't think I will, though....."

Just then, a black Suburban pulled up to the front of the hospital. The occupants looked at Beck and Palin through the dark, tinted windows, as Beck undid a button of his coat and put his hand inside, as if he had a gun.

The SUV had just begun to pull away when a succession of rapid-fire gunshots rang out. The Suburban veered wildly, careened over a fire hydrant and crashed into several parked cars before bursting into flames. A shaken Beck looked over at Palin in bewilderment, only to discover the former governor holding a smoking TEC-9 mini fully-automatic threaded-muzzle machine pistol with a collapsible polymer stock and 36-round custom magazine.

"Hey, listen, you know what the real difference between a pit bull and a soccer mom is? This little baby," she said quietly, as she calmly returned the weapon to her shoulder holster and patted her lapel, just below her American flag pin.

She then pulled out a pack of Lucky Strikes and lit a cigarette. Turning to the now hysterical Glenn Beck, she asked, "So, was it good for you, too?"

Services for the five tourists riding in the black Surburban, who were while driving home from Harry Hookelau's All-You-Can-Eat Luau when they were killed by Ms. Palin, have not been announced.


  1. Brilliant!

    I'm hoping she's out of ammo by the time Rahm's boys DO show up...

  2. It can't be the right ventricle. The problem has to be on the left.

  3. This is brilliant, by the way. "Drop the gun. Take the poi."

    And, I hear none of the deceased have birth certificates. Interesting...

    And don't you think Barack would hold his gun sideways?

  4. "Leave the gun, take the poi..." Ha! Good one, CB.