Friday, July 3, 2009

The Straight Dope (!) On The Death Of Michael Jackson

Because of the numerous conflicting stories regarding the last days of Michael Jackson, who better to set the record straight on the issue than someone with no knowledge whatsoever of the facts, as is our custom here in Sarasota. Just ask any of our clueless politicians. Like they say back home, "dey talk, dey talk, dey don't say nudding." Can I get an "Amen" to that?

According to the million or so "close personal friends" of the late Michael Jackson who have crawled out of the woodwork since his death, he was either:

  • in the best shape of his life and at the top of his game or
  • a near-invalid, 98-pound bag of bones on his death-bed,
  • looking forward to his upcoming concert tour or
  • unable to function due to anxiety,
  • a health nut who was concerned about nutrition or
  • a junkie with only pills in his stomach at the autopsy,
  • a straight arrow who never abused prescription medications or
  • a drugged-out zombie who used several different aliases to get oxycodone, vicodin, Preparation H, etc.,
  • like a little boy or
  • liked little boys (really, really liked little boys),
  • a genius whose music will live on forever or
  • a dead guy who is going to make a lot of people rich when they write their books, their magazine articles, sell their pictures, sell their bobblehead dolls, etc. ad nauseum.

Apparently, since they were all so close to him, he was all of the above at the same time. And that feat alone should be enough to make him famous. Then, again, so should going from this:

To this:

And he did it all in the same lifetime, no less!

Michael Jackson had innumerable plastic surgery procedures, most notably, nose jobs. Or what used to pass for his nose. Until the unthinkable happened one fateful day at a press conference in October, 2007:

During the frenetic ambulance ride to the hospital, EMTs were unable to revive the lifeless body of Michael Jackson. Dr. Conrad Murray, Jackson's personal cardiologist, did, however, detect a weak pulse in Jackson's nose, but physicians at the UCLA Medical Center were not equipped to perform an emergency nose-ectomy and the oft-maligned proboscis was pronounced dead at 5:15 PM, nearly three hours after Jackson's official time of death.

Concern for Jackson's three children--Prince I, Princess and Prince II--is mounting. His official will calls for guardianship to be provided by Jackson's mother, 79-year old Katherine. In the event, she cannot assume that role, Diana Ross is to be given custody. The will states that if Ms. Ross is unable or unwilling to take legal guardianship, then the responsibility for the nurturing and the well-being of the children is to be given to this close family friend:

Family patriarch, Joe Jackson, is already angling to cash in on the wave of sympathy for his deceased son. Michael Jackson's upcoming concert tour was to be called "THIS IS IT." The elder Jackson is negotiating with concert promoters AEG to produce a retrospective of Michael Jackson's career entitled "THAT WAS IT."

The Jackson family, for whatever reason, has had a second autopsy done by a disinterested third party. During that private autopsy, it was discovered that Michael Jackson took to his grave his most shocking personal transformation yet:

"The Lady In My Life?"



  1. Yeeas, sure he had boobs! I believe the nose one but thats over the top!

  2. tat is really fucked up of u to put tat up there....
    u going to hell

  3. what the fuck ever you people are sick and wrong that is so messed and you know one thing hes not a child molester how would you like it if people spred rumors about you think about it u guys are know i cant even say what i want

  4. oh ya its me again and you need to stop posting crap like this up here because little kids see this and you know what he is my hero we would never have this much of a wonderful world if he was never thought of oh and by the way the only reason why people said he molested there child is because they wanted his money and thats

  5. i agree wiv d people who fink dat is disgusting nd unexpectable. dat is jsut gay how would u like it if dat happend to u whoevr did dat is an idot and is very stupid nd belivein d rumours bein spread round sayin he liks young boys which is not true people who hated him wanted his career 2 stop but if it werent 4 his ultimate fans mj would hav not been heard of. u people who belive d rumours are hypocrits.

  6. all that is so not true well not the first one and probably the second one but the others ARE FAKE

  7. Although i'm neutral on Michael Jackson's actions, i just wanted to point out that his general contribution to the music industry is a positive legacy. He is and will forever will be the king of pop.

    but yeah, i don't think what he did to his face and his body was "right". i guess that's what fame can do to you

  8. Go to hell!!!!! what the fuckin pic you have made of m.j

  9. ya so fucked up imagine it be yo mama with a dick in her throat!!!stupid bitches

  10. stupid ass holes .what the fuck do you thimk you are doing?go to hell.................................................

  11. nice but that one with no nose was not real

  12. i like him so much xxxxx.................

  13. To everyone who commented here, Hell is as real as this picture

  14. Funny... just, funny.