Thursday, July 9, 2009

FL Lawmaker Proposes Panacaea To Python Plethora Problem Plaguing State

The distinguished senator from Florida, Bill Nelson, has found another no-brainer bandwagon to jump on. Noted for his ability to stay away from controversy, Nelson has already come out against bad schools, bad roads, bad hair days and, just recently, took a firm stand against Chinese drywall being installed in Florida homes and making voters sick.

Now, he takes on another one-sided controversy: pythons in the Everglades. Following extensive research by staffers, Nelson is confident enough to say that thousands of non-native pythons running amok in the Everglades is a bad thing, with little fear of contradiction by the python lobby in Washington. Because there isn't one.

In a speech from the floor of the Senate today, Nelson spoke to the resourcefulness of his fellow Floridians. "As you know, the great state of Florida is a tremendous citrus producer. And as such, I can tell you that we all know how to turn lemons into lemonade. So, it is with great pride that I announce today the solution to not one, but two problems that I have recently come to champion--Chinese drywall in our houses and pythons in the Everglades."

"The solution, to we Floridians, at least, is obvious. Confident that both things are viewed as bad by the voters, I am proposing that we take all the Chinese drywall out of our houses and put it into the Everglades. The toxins leach out of the drywall, get into the food chain, pythons eat the poisoned fish, rabbits, deer and whatever else lives in that God-forsaken hell-hole and die. And, just like that, your problems are solved."

When asked about the residual contamination in the Everglades, Nelson assured, "Only for a hundred, maybe two hundred years or so. The studies I've looked at show the toxins flowing from the Everglades, past the Keys, across the Florida Straits and onto the shores of Cuba. Hey, there's another problem solved!"

"George Bush gave me this picture...."

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