Friday, July 17, 2009

Pope Benedict Breaks Wrist In Fall, Secretly Receives Bionic Arm in Italian Hospital

Pope Benedict XVI reportedly slipped in his bath and broke his wrist while vacationing in northern Italy.

Like who hasn't used that excuse before, say, for example, after a night of hard partying that got just a tad out of hand and you wake up the next afternoon, not knowing where you are, who all these strange people are you're with and not knowing which hurts more, your head or your wrist, so you go to the emergency room and all they want to know is why you're wearing nothing but women's underwear on your head before they will treat you, like that makes some sort of difference as to how to fix a broken arm, unless it's some sort of regulation, which I doubt, but, then again, I'm no doctor because if I was, I could fix my own arm and not have to stand here in this FREEZING emergency room with everyone staring at me for no good reason. Not that something of that nature ever happened to me, mind you. I'm just sayin'....

The 82-year old Pontiff had minor surgery on his right wrist to repair a slight fracture. The normally right-handed head of the Roman Catholic Church had to remove the large gold Holy Fisherman's ring that is traditionally kissed by the faithful upon meeting him. He is now wearing it on his left hand, adjacent to his Ovaltine Secret Decoder Ring on his left pinkie.

Doctors have assured the Pope that he will be "good as new" following his recuperation and that his piano playing ability will "be unaffected." Pope Benedict lamented, "That's too bad; I play like crap now. I was hoping it would make me better."

Upon hearing this, the doctors quickly ushered the Pontiff back into the operating room, where he was outfitted with a prototype nuclear-powered prosthetic limb.

Said chief surgeons, Drs. Maria Matteo Tettrazini and Marcilio Ariosto Cacciatore, along with chief pasta maker, Ettore Boiardi, better known as 'Chef Boyardee,' "We estimate that this new arm of His Holiness will allow him to bless 27% more people, finish mass 16% faster and write 12% more holy papal edicts. And he'll be able to play the piano like Van Cliburn. Or Jerry Lee Lewis."

Upon leaving the hospital, Pope Benedict XVI shakes the hands of three nurses, one of whom was immediately healed of her migraine headaches, another of her chronic back condition and the third of being horribly flat-chested.

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