Tuesday, July 14, 2009

North Port Cops Red-Faced After Parking Lot Brawl Misunderstanding

The City of North Port today offered an official apology to those who were inconvenienced by their interference in what they deemed to be a free-for-all in the parking lot of the local Buffalo Wild Wings during a television broadcast of an Ultimate Fighting Championship bout.

Apparently, what police thought was a spontaneous melee among drunken fans that they were breaking up, turned out to be a planned fight competition between two area teams.

According to retired-UFC-fighter-turned-promoter, Nathan "The Harley Hammer" Young, this was the inaugural bout of a new variation of the mixed martial arts format of the wildly successful Ultimate Fighting Championship. Instead of two individuals trying to kill each other, two teams try to kill each other.

"This is the next logical step," explained Young. "First there was pro boxing, then the World Wrestling Federation, then the UFC. We're the next progression."

"What could be more exciting or primal than two teams of twenty testosterone-fueled fighters each squaring off on an asphalt arena trying to beat one another into submission. No ring, no cage, no fake folding chairs to the back of the head--just blacktop, beer and blood."

"I admit I should have done a better job explaining that to North Port's finest, but, since this was our first event, I guess there was some miscommunication somewhere. I have decided that Saturday night's fight between the teams from the North Port Buffalo Wild Wings and the Lakeside Plantation Homeowner's Association will officially be recorded as a draw, since the police interference prevented a winner from being determined."

The new league is called the Association of Parking Lot Ass-Kickers, or APLAK. And, no, Young admits, the anagram's similarity to the insurance giant AFLAC is no accident. "Being a start-up, we thought we could cash in on AFLAC's talking duck commercials, only our ads will feature a pit bull carrying around a dead poodle in its mouth instead of a duck. Cute, no?"

Young thinks his new enterprise has great promise. "I envision this concept going viral. Pro teams sponsored by bars, restaurants, liquor stores, meth labs, etc., will give rise to an amateur league sponsored by churches, schools, convenience stores, hardware stores and so on."

"And the timing of this couldn't be better. Think about it; the economy sucks, you lost your job, you lost your car, you lost your house and you're living with your in-laws--who wouldn't want to go somewhere, grab a few beers and watch forty people kick the living hell out of each other?"

Boosters of the Lakeside Plantation Homeowners team hold a pep rally before Saturday night's contest at Buffalo Wild Wings in North Port

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