Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Siesta Key Beach Battle Looms: There Will Be Blood

Siesta Key residents have begun digging in on the beaches of this sleepy little village, vowing to fight to the last man to keep the sand on their beloved beaches pure, pristine and unadulterated by sand from lesser locales.

Sarasota County has attempted to import sand from Lakewood Ranch to infill where they recently removed a concrete seawall, instead of using Grade AAA Siesta Key Fine sand. When local Jim Overbeck tried to intervene, he was arrested.

"I know the deputies say he "threw himself on the sandpile" to stop the bulldozer from moving it," said wife, Anne Overbeck, "but he really didn't. The crazy, old fool tripped over his own big feet and fell right on his keister into the sandpile. It was an accident, plain and simple--not trespassing!"

When Mr. Overbeck was being arrested, he complained of dizziness and light-headedness. Arresting officers noted several used syringes sticking in his rear, as well as a small laceration on his left hand from one of the many visible shards of broken glass in the dirt pile.

"See all this crap in this dirt," said Overbeck, "this is what those bastards want to spread on our beaches--medical waste, broken glass, rusty nails, chewing gum--just look at it. Overbeck then lapsed into a coma, before being hauled away in a police cruiser.

Karyn Erickson, president of Erickson Consulting Engineers who is in charge of this operation, tried to reassure the concerned citizens with, "the sand is just fine; it needs a little raking and grading, that's all."

Meanwhile, as dusk falls over this troubled piece of paradise, Siesta Key residents have taken matters into their own hands. Both the North and South bridges to the island are in the hands of residents who are controlling access to the key.

Residents are also hardening their beach fortifications, hastily erecting tank traps, installing mines and stringing razor wire, as well as laying in fresh supplies of food, water and ammunition.

"We want to be prepared," said one graying resident, pulling on his WWII-vintage helmet. "Between our preparations here on the north end of the public beach and that crazy, old broad down on Turtle Beach who beats people with her cane when they walk on her beach, we're confident that we are ready."

In a hastily-called press conference, the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office would not rule out an amphibious assault, possibly as soon as dawn tomorrow.

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