Urban Meyer told a stunned crowd of reporters and Gator Nation faithful that he was not only leaving the University of Florida, but he was also leaving this fetid material world for a better place and joining a spartan monastic order in the mountains outside of Denver, Colorado.
"As you know, my health has been an issue for me for quite some time now, mostly when we lost football games," said Meyer. "When we won, eh, not so much."
"I wanted to step away at the end of last season when Timmy left, but my coaching staff, the athletic director and others coaxed me into coming back for this season. After this 7-6 season, all those who wanted me to stay on last year told me not to let the door hit me on the ass on the way out this time. Hey, you don't have to hit me on the head with a sledgehammer--I get it!"
"I knew I couldn't coach college football forever, but when we were picked to play Penn State in the Outback Bowl on New Year's Day, I had nightmares of me being an 85-year old coach, hobbling up and down the sidelines with drool spilling out of my mouth, not knowing where I am, who I am or even what the hell I'm doing there. And then I pee my pants."
Meyer said that he wanted to spend more time with his family after devoting nearly his entire adult life to coaching. "Well, after about a day-and-a-half of that 'family togetherness,' I was ready to get the hell outta there before I choked somebody. What did I ever see in that woman anyway? And those kids of mine....."
"Then, as if in a vision, my life's plan fell into place one afternoon while I was waiting in a dentist's office. I was absent-mindedly leafing through some magazine, pondering my fate, when I saw it:
My life was transformed in that instant. Seeing Timmy in that haircut, I knew I was destined to become a monk"
"After my root canal, when I went home and excitedly announced my plans to my family, they were like: 'OK, whatever....' I took that as a sign."
"I did some research and found an order of silent monks who lived in a collection of old church buses in the mountains near Dog Breath, Colorado, about a hundred miles north of Denver and my Timmy, who plays for the Broncos."
"I interviewed with them, was accepted into their brotherhood and am leaving tomorrow for a higher plane. They even gave me a tryout for their "Silent Chorale." I'm the next-to-last one on the left side. I'm a little shorter than most of the other monks, but the Head Abbott says I make up for my lack of size with my quickness and my good hands. Hey,that sounds like the same lies I was telling to those high school kids when I wanted them to come to UF....."