Island of Guam Sinks--Take That, Rep. Hank Johnson Haters

Initial reports coming from the scene indicate that, in the hours just before dawn, the island of Guam capsized and sank in the waters of the South Pacific. Guam, an American territory, is the largest island in the Micronesia chain of islands and has a land mass of about 209 square miles, which supports a population of approximately 179, 000 people, most of which are feared lost due to the sinking. Survivors were found clinging to floating debris, while some had already made it onto boats that were on site collecting the living, as well as the dead.

Ironically, this horrific tragedy comes merely days after Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) had voiced the possibility of this calamity taking place while questioning Adm. Robert Willard, head of the U.S. Pacific fleet, over the Navy's proposal to station 8,000 additional troops on the island. While some small-thinkers had expressed concerns over island-wide water shortages and overloaded sewage systems and other public utilities, only Rep. Johnson had the wisdom and foresight to ask the most pertinent question of all: "Will the additional weight of people and proposed construction be too much for the little island to bear and sink it?"

While Adm. Willard dismissed the legislator's concerns with a condescending, "we don't anticipate that happening.....", Rep. Johnson was widely ridiculed by the media and science alike for his prescient line of questioning. Said a spokeslackey for the Congressman, "Rep. Johnson regrets the great loss of life and property on Guam and chooses not to stoop to saying, "Nyah, nyah; I told you so," even though he is certainly entitled to do so. Though some would question his scientific credentials to predict such an event, Rep. Johnson is, after all, a duly elected representative from the great state of Georgia. More importantly, he is a college-educated attorney and has practiced law for over 25 years and served as an Associate Magistrate Judge for ten years, so he has to be a smart guy, right? I mean, a LAWYER, after all."

Eyewitness Filbert Mauxinchalk said he was on the southern tip of the island fishing just before sunrise when he witnessed a pelican land next to him. "As soon as the bird settled on the rock, I felt the ground beneath me shudder, then the next thing I know I was in the water with the whole island flipping over onto me. I don't know why I was spared and so many others lost their lives. Maybe I'm being rewarded for keeping my mouth shut all these years after what happened to me when I was an altar boy."