When Roger Goodell walked to the podium on Thursday night and solemnly announced that the Pittsburgh Steelers had chosen 4-year old Connor Patrick Sarver from Miss Kimmie's L'il Angels Daycare in Irwin, PA, in the NFL draft, it was as if someone had tripped over the audio cable and killed the sound at Radio City Music Hall. The panel of commentators looked at each other for a full minute before ESPN cut to a commercial.
When they returned live, Berman was notably absent from his anchor position at the end of the desk. Jon Gruden tried gamely to carry a conversation about the incredible development, but soon lost his train of thought and began talking about his old coaching days. Some semblance of normalcy finally returned to the evening when the Atlanta Falcons made their selection.
So, who is this newest Steeler?
According to Art Rooney II, he's just your average 4-year old kid who likes puppies, Buzz Lightyear, the Wiggles, toy trucks and Gummi Bears. For you die-hard fans out there, he's 3' 7 tall, 41 lbs., throws right and has a vertical leap of about 10 inches.
Rooney continued, "Given what we've been dealing with trying to keep the likes of Roethlisberger, Holmes, Reed and all the rest of these overpaid delinquents in line, we felt we had to go in a completely different direction."
"It is true, the kid is 4-years old. And, it is true, he can't really play football and doesn't know exactly what a quarterback does. But it's also true that he's never ridden his motorcycle into a Buick. And he has never been accused of raping a woman in Lake Tahoe. And he sure as hell has never--NEVER--took a drunk, slutty 20-year old coed into the bathroom of some scummy bar and assaulted her!!"
When asked about the draftee's role with the team, Rooney said flatly, "Look, we spent a ton of money on damage control for these idiots. We took a beating on the Santonio Holmes deal and Sheetz really stuck it to us for a new paper towel dispenser to replace the one Jeff Reed yanked off the wall last year. Who knew those things cost $850,000? Plus labor to screw it on the wall!"
"Honestly, he's all we could afford right now. But, I'll tell you, I expect great things from this kid. I think the team will really get behind him and the O-line........well, how'd you like to be the guard or tackle that lets this kid get hammered into the ground by a blitzing linebacker? Yeah, he'll be sleeping on the couch for a year or two, if he's even ever allowed back in the house."
"And, seriously, what blitzing linebacker is going to want to bury a 4-year old kid? Think that'll get him on the cover of Madden Football? I don't think it will really be an issue, really, until we play Oakland. Those sick bastards will probably practice taking cheap shots on their own kids before they play us........."
While tentatively listed as fourth on the depth chart, Coach Mike Tomlin says that he envisions using Sarver primarily in short yardage situations, 'cause he's, you know, 'short'..........
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