16-year old Abby Sunderland, the would-be circumnavigatrix feared lost at sea, has been rescued by a French fishing vessel somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Sunderland had lost radio contact with the outside world last week following a storm that disabled her sailboat, The ILuvJustinBieber. Upon picking up Ms. Sunderland, the crew of the French boat immediately surrendered to her, causing a great deal of consternation to the teenager.
Sunderland is now telling a fantastic tale regarding the circumstances of the untimely end of her journey. She says that, during a storm, she ran aground on a small, uncharted island somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean.
Exhausted and bedraggled, she struggled ashore to find shelter from the wind and rain, only to be hit in the head by a falling coconut and knocked unconscious. When she came to, she found herself in a ramshackle hut with an elderly woman was tending the gash in her head. The woman fed her soup, gave her dry clothing and nursed her back to health.
The old woman then told Sunderland, "I'll let you in on a secret, young lady. My name is: Amelia Earhart."
The stunned teenager steadied her gaze at the old woman.
Like, are you related to Dale Earnhardt, Jr.??"
"No. Wait, who? No, Earhart. Amelia Earhart, the world-famous flyer who disappeared in 1937 while attempting to fly around the world," replied the old woman, somewhat taken aback.
"Oh, OK. Whatever. I don't suppose you get cell phone reception in this dump, do you? Like, I gotta call my folks back in California, then my boyfriend, then Sea-Tow, then check my e-mail, update my Facebook status from "Fish Food" to "Found Alive", Twitter to my peeps and....."
Taking the babbling young girl by the shoulders, the old woman violently shook her. "Listen, you little snip, I'm Amelia Earhart. I'm famous. People have been wondering what happened to me for over 70 years. And you're the first human being I've seen or talked to in 52 years; ever since that no-good Wiley Post, who couldn't navigate his way down a one-way street, let alone the planet, keeled over dead and left me here alone on this God-forsaken island. I'm Amelia Earhart, dammit....."
"See this picture. This is me, back in the day. I knew kings, queens, presidents and movie stars...."
Sunderland suddenly perked up. "You mean movie stars like Zac and Selena and Miley?"
"Who? No, I mean real stars like Flynn, Cagney and Bogart."
"Never heard of them. They must be pretty lame. Especially if they hung around an old bag like you......"
"OK, that's it. Get the hell off my island, you ungrateful little bitch! Scat! You hear me--get the hell outta here--NOW!"
And with that, the old woman chased her down the dirt road back to where she had secured Sunderland's boat during the storm. As the tide lifted the battered sailboat off the sandbar and carried her back out to sea, Sunderland could see the old lady laughing.
"And don't forget to tell 'em that Amelia Earhart saved you, you snot-nosed little brat! You hear me, Amelia Earhart......"