Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Economic Downturn Forces Galactic Empire To Stick Up Local TJ Maxx Store

The global recession has apparently spread beyond our earthly confines and now affects the entire universe, as evidenced by the attempted robbery of a Venice, FL, clothing store by the Sith Lord himself, Darth Vader, and an accomplice, most likely one of his evil minions.

It was late, very late on Tuesday night--around 9:30 PM (remember we're talking about Venice here, like in "when I retired, I moved to Sarasota to be close to my parents, who live in Venice." Anything after 7:30 PM when "Wheel of Fortune" is over is considered the dead of night. Although "dead" may be an indelicate choice of words when talking about anything related to Venice.)--when the two men burst into the TJ Maxx store. They were reportedly armed, although no one could be sure if they were carrying lightsabers or conventional plasma blasters.

A 17-year old Venice High School senior was at the front door waiting for the last customers to leave. "I thought it was a joke," said the teen.

Honey, when the ruthless supreme commander of the Galactic Empire walks through your doors, it is no joke! Did you not notice the Death Star in the parking lot? Could you not tell it apart from the Buicks and Oldsmobiles?

"I heard, 'Juan, Juan, Juan,'" the Venice High teen said. "Or it could have been, 'Come on, come on, come on.' We couldn't understand them with the Darth Vader masks."

More likely, he was saying, "Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan." Or even, " Obi-Wan once thought as you do. You don't know the power of the Dark Side."

The alarm was sounded, the Venice Police Dept. showed up, Sarasota County Sheriff's deputies showed up, the SWAT team showed up--eventually, unconfirmed reports of a tactical team from the Rebel Alliance even showed up, but the dark lord was nowhere to be found on the premises.

Employee Arielle Burg has worked at the store for three years. Burg, who was off Tuesday night, said that at most, the store would have $12,000 in it, including some money in a safe in back.

I'm surprised she didn't tell the reporters the combination of the safes. Including the one in the back.

Armed men running into a place of business: scary stuff.

Even more scary: this post on the comment forum by the ominously-named "thirteen:"

Nov 18 2009 08:28 AM
i carry a firearm everywhere i go specifically for situations like this. i sure wish for everyone who was held hostage in that store that i happened to be in there that night. could have made sure that was the last time those guys decided to hold up a place.

My name is thirteen and I am the NRA.

Now that's scary.......

Be on the lookout for this man wanted in connection with an attempted robbery. Suspect is approximately 7-feet tall, 250 lbs, speaks with a wheeze but has excellent elocution, may or may not be in the company of Imperial stormtroopers. Believed to be armed; extremely proficient with lightsaber.

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