In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate, far right-wing conservative darling and bastion of everything red, white and blue, Sarah "Going Rogue" Palin, privately told Oprah (and her millions and millions of rapt viewers) that she wanted runaway son-in-law, Levi "Going Whore" Johnston to join the Palin family for Thanksgiving dinner.
"Because," she said, "he is a part of the family and you want to bring him in the fold and kind of under your wing. And he needs that, too, Oprah. I think he needs to know that he is loved and he has the most beautiful child and this can all work out for good."
And, she'd like the chance to stab him repeatedly about the head and body. And perform a bobbitectomy on him.
Palin went on to tell Oprah, "We don't have to keep going down this road of controversy and drama all the time," she says. "We're not really into the drama. We don't really like that. We're more productive. We have other things to concentrate on." Like her new book, wherein she slams former running mate, John McCain, his staff, CBS anchor, Katie Couric, ABC anchor Charlie Gibson, Levi Johnston's drug-peddling mother and the anonymous photo-shopper who pasted up that picture of her in a star-spangled bikini holding a rifle. "I hate that geeky son of a bitch..........."
Levi, responding from the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas, where he is relaxing after an emotionally and physically grueling nude photo shoot for Playgirl magazine, said that he knew he would be welcomed home by the Palin family and offered the contents of a text message he had recently received from "my baby's hot mama," Bristol, as evidence:
like, so i haven't talked 2 u 4 a while, so whassup, babe? SOS here, babe, except 4 when the little trippster eats peas for dinner, lol. he is so just like his daddy!
anyway, vice-president palin (as she wants 2 b called around the house now) wanted me 2 invite u over for turkey day. i thought, like, she was really, really pissed at u, but i guess she's not. i know she's, like, mad about u 'freeing willie' in playgirl n all. idky, though! i think it's so kewl!
mom says 2 tell u that we're not having dinner (moose again, btw, as if u didn't already know, lol) @ our house since some tv network wants 2 film us 4 a holiday special they r doing. mom says 2 tell u that miley cyrus & vanessa hudgens will b there 2 cause she, like, knows how much u can't resist hot young chicks. like who didn't know that, huh, babe?
also, mom says that we're going to have dinner late--like, around midnight--and that it'll b @ the old, deserted salmon cannery down by the docks, so they can film better, i guess. i know u know where that place is, babe. lol. someday i'll tell little tripp that story. ha!
mom says not 2 tell any1 else so we can keep the reporters away. idky, cause mom's always doing everything she can think of 2 get their attention any other time. lol.
bring your pics from your photo shoot when u come over so my lil sis can check them out. omg, she will be, like, sooooo jealous. maybe we can sneak away up 2 the roof and u can put your 'king salmon' in my 'can' like we did a couple years b4 at that place. only, this time, don't forget to put 'shrink wrap' on that 'salmon' of yours so we don't have another bad 'tripp!' lollollol.
i love u, babe & i know that u were just, like, hanging out with that old bitch kathy griffin cause she was hitting on u and just wanted every1 to see her with u. i don't blame her, babe, cause u r a hottie. even mom used 2 say so.
i always thought that was a lil creepy........
yo baby's mama,
Attention, Levi: Just because your mother-in-law does this on television......
........ doesn't mean she doesn't want to kick your ass up through your esophagus and feed it to her huskies for dinner.