Media darling doofus, Jon Gosselin, is looking for his next payday.
With the end of Jon & Kate Plus 8 in sight, his divorce almost final, his girlfriend giving him the boot and Levi "The Son-In-Law From Hell" Johnston dominating all the 'bad boy' headlines, Gosselin has had to take desperate measures.
"I think it was the '80s," he said wistfully. "Rock stars just went too far with their sex, drugs and rock-and-roll personas. They set the bar too high. Then came the rappers, hip-hop and gangsta rap. They turned it into sex, drugs, hip-hop and drive-by shootings."
"How does a short, dumpy wannabe from Reading, PA compete with that? And, all my kids are to the same mother, so that's another strike against me. Fo' shizzle. Do they still say that? Is that still cool to say? God, it's so hard trying to be relevant in this day and age."
"Even ordinary guys are getting a piece of that low-life pie nowadays. Like this guy:
"He shows up hammered for the birth of his kid and on the way into the delivery room he tells the nurse how cute she is and cops a feel. Sweet! So, she gets an attitude, the hospital calls the cops, the cops take him to jail and he misses the birth of his son and now he's the bad guy. Real fair, right? "
"I mean, he only went to the hospital 'cause his old lady is having a baby and she expects him to be there with her for the delivery. Which, in my opinion, is lame to begin with because the guy has already done everything he should be required to do. And going through the delivery with her is no picnic. I oughta know. You think Kate had an attitude on a regular day? Shoulda been there the day those six milk-munchers inside her were all looking for the same exit at the same time."
"That Exorcist chick didn't have anything on old Kate that day....."
"So, yeah, I'm looking for my next project. This Kate Plus Eight thing was OK while it lasted, but, let's face it, Octomom took the legs out from under Kate. We tried the marriage drama route, but it was just jumping the shark. Kate thinks she can do a show without me? Good luck with that, bitch--we've got a contract. And not one of those "'til death do we part' deals either; I'm talking about a real contract!"
"But, yes, I will confirm that my agent has had preliminary discussions with representatives for Casey Anthony, the Anthony family and the State of Florida Penal Board regarding a reality show involving Casey and myself. I mean, she's hot, right? And she's been all over the news for the last year or so. And when her trial comes up, our ratings should go through the roof."
And you should see the way she filled out that Ed Hardy print orange prison jumpsuit we sent her for the screen test."
"Check out the new prison 'tatt' that Casey got. Oh, yeah, dude, I'd ride that......all the way to the bank. Later, Kater."