Thursday, February 4, 2010

Forget The iPad; Now The Really Big News: iPacket!

A large mushroom cloud was spotted over northern California today as Steve Jobs exploded in a fit of rage after his latest 15 minutes basking in the limelight reflected off the shiny foreheads of GeekNation over Apple's long-awaited and longer-hyped release of the IPad was upstaged by none other than stodgy old food giant, HJ Heinz, and the considerably less publicized, but significantly more earth-shattering public unveiling of the most revolutionary product from that elder statesman of pickle-packers since they peddled their first gherkin.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....................The iPacket.

Sure to be at the top of everyone's list of the 22nd century's most incredible innovations when 2099 rolls around, people, their clones and the robots who rule them will all be dipping their Pluto fries in the ubiquitous ketchup-dispensing device and wonder just how civilization did not implode upon itself until the new iPacket was put into use, way back in 2010.

The traditional ketchup packet, sure to be lauded by conservative Tea Baggers as a vital part of the fundamental American fabric and not something to be tampered with, will become a touchstone for everything that was once right with the U S of A, but is now on the brink of destruction. The state of Florida will place a referendum on their mid-term ballot to save the current packet, with right-wing Senate candidate, Marco Rubio claiming: "If it was good enough for Thomas Jefferson to use, then I, too, choose the the good old American ketchup packaging preferred by our Founding Fathers."

Gov. Charlie Crist, feeling the pressure to be even more conservative than his opponent Rubio, will declare that "I don't think handing out condiments to school children will replace the purity of abstinence as a method of preventing teen pregnancies and, as your senator in Washington, I will fight to rescind Democratic funding for such an evil practice. Amen."

Pat Robertson has already said on his nationally-televised 700 Club that the new ketchup packaging appears to be "the handiwork of the devil," citing a little-known pact between Satan and HJ Heinz shortly after Heinz sold his soul for a product that would give him world domination. "That product, my friends, in ketchup, " Robertson intoned gravely. "Up until 1876 when this deal was consummated with the devil, it was spelled 'catsup.' That's how it's spelled in the King James version of the Bible; you can look it up. Well, the old devil didn't like that, so he told Henry J. to change it to 'ketchup' and, as you know, the rest is history. True story."

Government officials, however, are issuing strong warnings regarding the inherent health dangers of the new packaging, as it is purported to contain approximately three times the amount of tomatoey goodness as its predecessor. Said Regina Benjamin, Surgeon General of the United States, "We are concerned that young children especially will be subjected to these new higher amounts of ketchup and be prone to accidental overdosing scenarios. Parents need to monitor their children's intake of ketchup and watch for warning signs of abuse, such as overeating of foods typically associated with the condiment, such as French fries, onion rings, hamburgers, hot dogs, etc."

"There used to be an old wive's tale intimating that ketchup counteracted the high calorie and high fat content of these foods, but extensive federally-funded testing conducted in the early 1990s dispelled that myth. This office intends to press for legislation to place warning labels on these packages similar to those labels already in place on cigarette packaging. Personally, I don't see any difference between these new ketchup packets and heroin," she concluded.

Timothy Geithner, Pres. Obama's Secretary of the Treasury, is concerned that the new packaging will plunge the world into an even greater financial quagmire. "Consider this," he recently told Congressional leaders in a closed-door session. "More ketchup in the package, condiment producers charge more for it, restaurants and other prepared-food outlets subsequently raise their prices, setting off another round of wholesale inflation, leading to economic chaos and the eventual rise of zombies."

Banks and other financial institutions, however, welcomed the introduction of the new larger ketchup delivery system and vowed to spend "every bit of TARP money we can squeeze out of the government to fight the government on this issue. We view this extra ketchup as a bonus and we have yet to meet a bonus we didn't like."

Meanwhile, the rest of the world rejoices. There is hope for the survival of humanity yet.

Apple's iPad.................meh.

The new Dip & Squeeze ketchup packet.................WOW!!!!


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