Saturday, February 13, 2010

Judicial Mixup Gives Oil-Drilling Opponents More Than They Bargained For In Siesta Key Beach Protest

Hundreds of well-intentioned citizens who showed up on Siesta Key public beach to participate in the "Hands Across The Sands" demonstration on Sat., Feb 13th, to voice their opposition to the proposed off-shore drilling for oil. Now, all those civic-minded people have become mired in a legal entanglement that threatens to uproot their lives in a way in which they never could have imagined.

The dilemma stems from what appears to be an honest mistake by Sarasota County judge, Becky Titus who, for some years now, has conducted a marriage vow renewal ceremony every Valentine's Day on Siesta Key beach, known as "Say I Do Again."

"I was driving past Siesta Key beach on Saturday afternoon and saw all these people streaming toward the beach," said Judge Titus later that day. "All of a sudden I just thought 'Oh, my gosh, they must be here for my wedding ceremony!', not realizing that it was Sat., the 13th, and not Sunday, the 14th. In my defense, I've been fighting the flu and have been consuming copious amounts of cold medication. You can ask anyone who's appeared in my courtroom lately--I've just been out of it for a couple of months now."

"So I parked my car, jumped into my robes and ran to the beach and found everyone holding hands, stretched out as far as I could see. I thought it was so romantic and just got caught up in the scene. I spoke to the crowd and when I asked them if they wished to renew their marriage vows, they all shouted "I do." It was only later that I learned that, because of the windy conditions that afternoon, everyone thought I asked "Do you solemnly oppose this drilling with all your natural life?" I then pronounced them husband and wife. All of them."

"Only when everyone started chanting "Don't Drill On Our Beach" did I start to think that something was wrong. Although, I must admit that for a second, I thought, perhaps, that some amorous couple may have gotten swept up in the moment and began to, well, you know, right there on the beach. After all, I am known for conducting a very moving ceremony."

Legal experts agree that it was, in fact, a lawfully-binding marriage ceremony and that with the pronouncement of the participants saying aloud "I do", in the eyes of the law they are now officially wed to whomever they were holding hands with at the time they spoke those words. Now the question becomes what to do, as most of the participants are legally wed more than one person, since they had formed a human chain and were holding hands with two people, making them guilty of bigamy. Then there is the dilemma of gay marriage, since many of the people were holding hands with someone of the same sex. By Florida law, these persons are now considered criminals.

Florida's Attorney General, Bill McCollum, who is coincidentally running for governor, has released a statement that his office has "no choice but to prosecute those person or persons who were legally married on Siesta Key beach in an offically-recognized legal proceeding to the fullest extent of the law, in accordance with state and federal statutes and the Bill McCollum Campaign for Governor, 2010, 'Get Tough On Crime' platform."

Religious leaders also point to the various violations of canon and ethical law resulting from the misguided beach ceremony. Various mainstream Protestant, Catholic and Jewish clergy affirmed that those people who are entered into an illicit marriage with another are "condemned to an eternity in the fiery depths of hell, and that without remedy," although several women who were recently ordained as Roman Catholic priests in a Sarasota ceremony have offered special discounts on annulments and planned to place ads to that effect in local newspapers. A spokes-saint for the Diocese of Venice has already made it clear that "the women priests and anyone who supported them were no longer members of the Church of Rome." They also said to "be aware of cheap imitations" and that discount-pricing on any church-related service would not be offered unless authorized by the home office in Vatican City.

The Sarasota Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons), however, indicated that all those who are now married to more than one spouse are welcome to worship and tithe at their church, whose motto is: "Two spouses, no problem. Bad credit, now that's a problem."

Farley "The Drum Dude" Monach, a regular participant in the popular Siesta Key drum circle on Sunday evenings, declared dreamily, "Far out, man," when informed of the matrimonial mixup.

Meanwhile, a spokesflak for the Exxon Mobil, Shell, British Petroleum, Chevron and 3-in-1 Oil Consortium expressed little sympathy for the plight of the Siesta Key beach protesters. "Maybe they should just stay at home and leave the fate of the beach in the hands of us professionals," she said.

*Full Disclosure Notice: Author has been to Siesta Key Public Beach, is married and uses petroleum products.

The Right Honorable Judge Becky Titus: "And that's my rulin'........."


  1. Anniversaries are going to be a bitch.

  2. The whole 1th Judicial system is a racketeering lie. Ask this insane judge and her racketeering "husband" what they "were taking" (legal or not) when they insanly orchestrated the most sick, malicious, insane, slanderous, crazy, permanent injunction in American history. Yes, anyone of you I challenge you to go to the Sarasota County Courthouse and try to find the secretly hidden files 92-4293CA "civil" file and 92-3130F and 92-4218F files? Good luck, you will be insanly arrested and thrown in jail just asking for them :o) This is how sick, insane, schizo, mean, senseless, malicious and delusional these sick bastrds are .

    thx Kevin Wiederhold
    Corpus Christi, TX.

  3. I'm guessing those couples didn't have a marriage license, right?