The Suncoast was in shock today following the revelation that noted Herald-Tribune humor columnist, local raconteur and man-about-town, David Grimes, was assassinated by a crack Canadian hit squad following his Sunday column concerning that country's hosting of the Winter Olympics. Mr. Grimes article was unexpectedly met with incendiary vitriol from the usually docile local Canadian snowbird population, as witnessed by this 'Letter to the Editor' published in the Weds, Feb. 24th, edition of the local newspaper. Some experts now believe that this letter was actually written by the leader of the elite killing team, known only as "Kevin," and served as the triggering mechanism to put the plot into motion.
The highly-secretive intelligence agency of Canada, headed by former Royal Canadian Mounted Police hero, Inspector Dudley DoRight, has long disavowed even the existence of a sinister arm of the agency known as the 'Moose-ad.' Privately, however, counterterrorism organizations worldwide agree that this action has all the hoof marks of a Moose-ad killing.
Mr. Grimes had been lured to the Sarasota Ritz-Carlton with the promise of free food and cocktails from an unknown source. Never one to pass up either, Mr. Grimes went to Room 230, as instructed. Hotel surveillance footage, below, shows the macabre dance of death carried out by the 11-member Canadian hit squad, with members serving as look outs, diversions and spotters. One of the last persons to leave the ill-fated Grimes in Room 230 was the icy-cold female assassin, known to authorities only as 'Gail,' who seemed to take a measure of personal delight in carrying out the grisly torture and murder of the local celebrity. Security experts do not believe at this time that 'Gail' was a true member of the Moose-ad and could possibly have been a freelance contract killer of some sort.
The end of the video shows the 'Kevin' and 'Gail' boarding a SCAT bus for the Sarasota-Bradenton Airport, where their trail disappears. The video is narrated with commentary by Sarasota PD in an unknown language described by police only as "cop talk," which is believed to have come into use on all surveillance tapes reviewed by the department following several embarrassing videos recently leaked to the media, in which cartoonish sound effects and ethnically-derogatory comments were inserted into the now-infamous Juan Perez tape of him crawling headfirst out of a patrol car while handcuffed, faceplanting, then being kicked by an officer.
Sarasota P.D. has released the surveillance video to various media outlets for public viewing in the unlikely hope that someone will come forward with information. Typically, however, in cases like this, public help is virtually non-existent, due to intimidation from the large influx of Canadian visitors who flock to the Suncoast every winter. The Herald-Tribune has, apparently, succumbed to pressure to not cover the murder after an alleged visit from Canadian goon squads bearing hockey sticks and curling brooms and has agreed to print only Canadian news, notably hockey scores, until April, when the majority of the Canadian snowbirds will begin to make their way back north.
Mr. Grimes was only 32 at the time of his death, although he had the appearance of a much older man, undoubtedly due to his years spent as a hard-living journalist. He leaves behind a widow, Gail (!), and two elated pugs.