An Open Letter Of Apology To Mr. Timotheus Richard (the Lionhearted) Tebow

To: Tim Tebow, his extended family, his heirs and assigns, his attorneys, his agent, the NCAA, the NFL, members of the F*O*R*M*E*R*L*Y #1-ranked University of Florida football team, the UF student body and its alumni, all of Gatornation, casual followers of collegiate athletics, Baptists, Pentecostals, Evangelicals, Eldrick and Elin Woods, all future Mrs. Tebows and, especially, YOU, Mr. or Ms. Anonymous:

Mea culpa. I have sinned.

I do hereby retract and renounce everything I said in the previous installment of this wretched, hate-filled sinkhole of a blog. In a feeble and misguided attempt at humor, I inadvertently sullied and besmirched the sterling reputation of Mr. Tebow. Moreover, I grovelingly apologize to anyone of the four people who have had occasion to read this poor drivel. I have been sufficiently chastised and admonished and I have seen the light!

Can I get an "amen?"

In response to my previous post, I received this scathing rebuke in the comment section:

Anonymous said...
Hey, come on this is just absolutely ridiculous. For you to post something like this and try and accuse Tim of drinking, exposure, and worse things that i can not even say, is insane. Everything you wrote is false, even your picture is a fake. i mean seriously, come on. I have spent hours researching Tim Tebow after their loss to alabama and nothing backs you up. The gators lost this game, but in the end it all comes down to the more important things. Tim Tebow is a great guy, one that sets an example to everyone. He is truly a man after God's own heart. You can see it in him everytime you see him, hear him, etc. He loves the Lord, and proves it through his life. Tim has been an inspiration to me, an encouragement, and has given me the heart to be on fire for God even more than i ever had. He's given me courage to be strong around those who persecute me for my faith in Jesus Christ. I don't care what anyone says about me, infact, i have this desire to reach out to my friends even more. I know i am not the only one, their are many, many, more who have been touched by Tim. Tebow is truly a great big brother, and one that's loved. He has showed unbelievable strength not only physically, but spiritually. He has an amazing story, a love so great, and most of all he's a man after God's own heart. So with that being said, everything said against Tebow is only persecution and attacks, but all it does is build one up even stronger. The Lord has a way of doing that. The gator's may have lost one game, and even if they lost all their games, that doesn't matter, they'll always be my favorite. Tim, the coach, and the team have done a great job. And in my book, they're WINNERS! Tim will always be my favorite football player and overall, a blessing... Thanks Tim Tebow!!! You'll always be in my prayers and God Bless you!....

People often think i am crazy with my choice, but when i decided i didn't have anyone i really caared for, i guess i just started looking.....

PS What you did was not satire, but slander.

And, so it shall be, henceforth from this day forward.

Can you please call off the plagues now?

1. Turning the water into blood in the retention pond behind the house has killed all the fish and the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission is asking me a lot of uncomfortable questions,


2. The frogs are getting out of hand, as they are all through the house and I'm feeling all warty,


3. The lice are awful, but I guess it's better than having crabs,


4. I have six bug zappers in the house and they can't keep up with all the flies,


5. Now the guy who grazes his cattle in Palmer Ranch is accusing me of murdering his livestock,


6. My health plan doesn't cover being infected with these festering boils,


7. The hailstorm has just shredded the pool cage,


8. Locusts have denuded every green thing in the entire neighborhood and the Homeowner's Association is up in arms,


9. These last three days of darkness are not doing much for my tan, and, worst of all,


10. Some kid showed up at my door today saying he was my long, lost first-born son that I never knew I had and then he dropped over dead!

Enough with the plagues, already. I said that you won. You're right, I'm wrong.

Although...........

sat-ire (n.) 1. use of wit to criticize behavior: the use of wit, especially irony, sarcasm, and ridicule

slan-der (n.) 1. false and damaging statement: a false and malicious statement that damages somebody's reputation

Ergo, if I thought I was being witty (which I did, but then, I am easily amused) and since your opinion of Master Tim's reputation was not diminished by reading my post, ipso facto, corpus dilecti, it should be considered satire and not slander, as you so slanderously suggested, you slanderer!

I will, however, agree 113% (allowing for inflation) with one of your last statements, to wit: "People often think i (sic) am crazy...."

Why, yes; yes, I do.

Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow Goes On Drunken Bender After Loss To Alabama

University of Florida officials confirmed that star quarterback, Tim Tebow, was, in fact, involved in an alcohol-fueled brawl on campus and is currently being held in the Gainesville jail on various charges ranging from public drunkeness, assault, vandalism, inciting a riot, destruction of property, sexual battery, resisting arrest and conduct unbecoming a saint, among others.

Visibly distraught as he left the field of play and choking back tears at a post-game interview, Tebow refused to shower or change his uniform prior to boarding the team bus for the trip back to Gainesville. Teammates said that he sat by himself and did not speak to anyone for the duration of the trip.

Upon their arrival to the UF campus, he angrily pushed his way through the subdued crowd that had gathered to welcome the team home and went directly to Gatorland Liquors on E. Spurrier St., where he purchased a large quantity of alcohol and several packs of cigarettes. Surveillance cameras also showed Tebow securing an unknown amount of illegal narcotics from a low-level drug dealer near the liquor store.

Witnesses say they saw Tebow drinking heavily late into the night in several downtown bars. He was reportedly ejected from two establishments following altercations with other patrons and ordered to leave another when he discovered that he had wandered into a gay bar and began chastising those present, telling them that "God hates them" and they were all "going to hell," this in spite of having just been seen openly kissing and fondling several male patrons at the club.

Gaineville police were called to an off-campus housing complex after residents phoned in several complaints of a naked man wearing only football shoulder pads urinating in their fountain, exposing himself and groping female passers-by. Police were unable to locate the suspect, who had fled on foot into the complex.

Authorities eventually found Tebow passed out on the couch in a sorority house back on campus, covered in empty beer cans and clutching several trophies from the sorority's field hockey and lacrosse intramural teams. "It was kinda cute when he started telling stories about how he won this trophy or that trophy," said Muffy Morganstern, "but when he puked all over our couch and then passed out on it, it was kinda gross, you know? Now, we just want him gone."

When Gainesville police attempted to remove the besotted gridiron star from the sorority, Tebow became aggressive, telling the officers that he would "smite them in the name of righteousness." Following a brief struggle, he momentarily escaped from the grasp of the police and, in an incendiary display of broken field running, juked around an overstuffed chair and crashed directly into a large table, injuring his leg. When officers finally handcuffed Tebow, he was cursing loudly, complaining about "lazy, lard-ass linemen" and "a breakdown in pass protection."

"'It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it wasn't supposed to end this way' he kept mumbling, as we loaded him into the patrol car," said an arresting officer.

Sarasota Police Review Board Meeting Erupts In Violence, Votes 7-5 To Call Hillsborough Sheriff's Dept. For Help Instead Of Sarasota PD

Sarasota politicians, in particular City Manager, Robert Bartolotta, sensing some citizen unease with the manner in which justice is dispensed in the city, recently formed a Police Advisory Panel to investigate police procedure and protocol. Sparked by the outcry over the controversial public drunkeness arrest and subsequent mishandling of an attempted $400 payoff to the non-English speaking offender to waive any future litigation against the city, Bartolotta asked the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office to conduct a thorough and impartial investigation of the actions of the Sarasota PD, as only a fraternal law enforcement office could.

The HCSO, of course, found their brother officers at the Sarasota PD without culpability, although their report hinted ever so slightly at some minor lapses in judgement. Bartolotta, with his finger on the pulse of the community and fearing a wholesale uprising, not to mention the loss of his job, fired one patrol officer, reprimanded some others, docked the chief a couple weeks pay and pronounced the matter resolved.

City commissioners, however, decided to form the review board after it was apparent that the matter was not resolved. In a break from their usual ploy of hiring a consultant whenever there's a problem involving city government, they organized a volunteer panel, but hired three well-paid technical advisors to shepherd the volunteers.

The panel, made up of individuals with diverse ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds, has a 6-month time frame in which to solve the police department's ills, if, in fact, there are any to be found. The board faced its first crisis when one member suggested that they should accompany officers on 'ride alongs' as they patrol the streets of the city.

Said panel member, Mr. Biggie Hustla, reknowned gangbanger, "Yo, I already knows the cops is killaz. I ain't got to go for no ride along wit dem to see dat, dawg. I been on enough ride alongs wit dem already, if you knows what I mean, yo."

Representing the Hispanic community, Mr. Hector Gonzalez-Gonzalez de Fuego Martinez de Carlos Pena O'brien, offered that, like Mr. Hustla, he, too, felt that ride alongs with the police were a non-effective use of the board members' time. He didn't actually use those exact words, or any words, for that matter, but everyone in the room took his savage, penetrating glower to mean that.

Police activist and outspoken law enforcement supporter, Officer Billy Bob Lamarr, told the others that police ride alongs would enhance their understanding of the often-volatile situations in which officers find themselves. "You come along with me some night on patrol," he said, " and we'll bust some heads, we'll kick some ass, we'll teach some of these rat-bastard punks to respect the law, all right. It's easy pickings at the DUI checkpoint outside of the Friday night bingo game at St. Euthanasius. Those blue-haired old biddies won't know what hit them."

Board member, Vizo 'Shorty Redbone' Rusmenko, current juvenile offender and future head of the local chapter of the Russian mob in Sarasota, wanted to ensure that the city's criminal youth would not be given short shrift in the discussion. "I'll bust a cap in the ass of any you bitches that says I got it easy 'cause I'm a kid. You hear me? I mean it. Quit looking at me, pus face! Mr. Chairman, he's looking at me......."

Panel chairperson and aspiring music entrepreneur, DJ Jiggy Bee Bizzle Blang-Thang (Reginald Van Winterburn, of the Longboat Key Winterburns), said that the Sarasota Police Dept. would receive a fair and unbiased critique of their actions from the review board. "Let me assure the people of Sarasota that this assemblage of fair-minded citizens will endeavor to remain impartial, unprejudiced and without preclusion, in order to arrive at a just and reasonable course of action for city government to initiate. Fo' sho', y'all."

Respect the grill.............

Up Is Down, In Is Out, Cats And Dogs Living Together; It Must Be Sarasota

In another sure sign of either (a) the imminent return of Sarasota to its halcyon days of making twisted social logic seem somehow normal, or (b) the looming cataclysmic apocalypse which will end life on earth as we know it, the polar opposites of the Ritz-Carlton Hotel and a Goodwill Store have achieved planetary alignment to signal one or the other. Or maybe both.

First, the Ritz has acknowledged the presence of a global economic downturn. But, the really big news is that haute hotel has announced that because of that global economic downturn, they are offering an alternative to their $37.50/two martini 'executive' lunch special: burgers and shakes.

And not those $150 Kobe burgers either, we're talking $6-$9 burgers, dogs and shakes at the quaintly named Bayview Burger Bar, located on their waterfront patio. "In a nod to the workingmen of old," said the Ritz-Carlton Vice-President of Haughtiness, Llewelyn Hucclecote-Tewkesbury, "we have faithfully reproduced a typical American burger joint where our extensive research has shown that workingmen formerly patronized, although, naturally, we hope to God that no actual workingmen would frequent our establishment."

Special hypo-allergenic dust and grease developed by Disney Studios is used throughout the blue-collar bistro to recreate authenticity. Watch out! Every half-hour, an animatronic cockroach scurries across the floor to the delight of patrons.

Hucclecote-Tewksebury noted that the prices of the sandwiches did not include condiments, buns, plates, silverware or table service, which were an additional charge, as were glasses, straws and napkins for the milkshakes. A $15 surcharge would also be added to the valet parking service for Bayview patrons.

Just as strange as it is for the Ritz-Carlton to be soft-pedaling its glitz and glamor, another institution at the other end of the economic spectrum is attempting to burnish its image. Long an embarrassment to the conspicuous consumption that made Sarasota what it is today, Goodwill Industries has recently converted one of its stores into an art gallery. Of sorts.

The Goodwill Store along Clark Rd., now known as Le Galleria d'Arte de Benevolenza, will offer artwork donated by some of Sarasota's toniest collectors, who were forced to flee town when authorities began to close in on their various fraudulent enterprises, from our beloved- rogue securities scammers to mortgage malfeasants to real estate rapscallions.

The renovation of the site, including the ornate gardens and imported fountains and statuary on the surrounding exquisitely-manicured lawn, topped the $7 million mark, which was funded by a grant from the Help the Sarasota Homeless Coalition.

Manager of the new galleria, Castiglione Chiaverase, led the rapt audience of reporters through the newly-remodeled store. "There are those short-sighted individuals in our community that would take exception to spending $7 million to update a Goodwill Store. I can assure you that those individuals were not invited here today," said Chiaverase.

Visitors enter the new Goodwill Store through its dramatic grand foyer, replete with imported Italian marble flooring and original statuary.

A view of a secondary hallway off the main gallery, which connects to the Italianate Revival donation drop-off porte-cochere.

When one reporter asked how there could be three seemingly-identical Matisse Still Life With Geraniums, all tagged as originals and signed by the artist, each for sale at $29.95, Chiaverase sniffed, "This is Sarasota, sir. We do not question our benefactors. If they say our investments will earn 60% yearly or that these are all originals, we take them at their word."

Dismembered Corpse Found In Sarasota; "A Murder Most Fowl..."

The call came into the station early that day; too early to be anything but bad news. A jogger had stumbled across a body in a rundown section of town and the coroner says there's no question that it was a homicide. That's where I come in.

The dawn broke cool and crisp in Sarasota the day after Thanksgiving a few years ago. The coroner was waiting as I rolled up and walked me over to the corpse.

"Sorry I'm late, Doc," I said. "I had to drop off a couple of $400 checks to some people, then 9-1-1 gave me the wrong address and I've been driving around for an hour looking for you."

"Not surprised," Doc replied. "We were sent to three different locations before we gave up and called Tony Cormier at the Herald-Tribune to find out where to go."

"This is the worst I've ever seen, boys," he mumbled. "And I hope I never see another like it." Off to the side, a veteran patrol officer openly wept.

Old Doc was right. This was the worst I had ever seen, too.

Partially wrapped in a plastic bag laying next to some garbage cans were the mutilated remains of a female. It appeared as though some sort of animal had gotten to it during the night. At least, I hoped it was an animal.

She was young. It was hard to tell, though, since all that was left of her was a skeleton, some gristle and various bits and pieces of skin. Her head, arms and legs had been removed from her torso and most of her flesh stripped from her bones, as were her once-voluptous breasts. There was evidence of knife wounds all over the victim, even bite marks on what was left of her legs and thighs. We surmised she had been killed at a different location because her entrails had been ripped out and could not be located in the crime scene area.

No I.D., no distinctive markings, no clues to go on, except for a scrap of plastic wrapper bearing the cryptic word 'Butterball'..........

The coroner used DNA to make a positive identification. Her name was Gloria. Gloria Giblet Gobbler, to be exact. And so it fell to me to piece the rest of the story together and fill in the blanks of how and why she was killed. I had lots of questions: Satanic ritual? Charles Manson wannabes? Voodoo cult? Mob hit? Some wild sex party that got out of hand? My God, could it even be.... cannibals? Here in Sarasota? I knew too well the dark, seamy underbelly of this town; nothing would be off the table for this case.

"One more thing," Doc said with resignation. "Her furcula had been ripped out and snapped in two." I wish he never would have told me that. Now I'd have to Google "furcula."

I interviewed some of her acquaintances. Turns out she was last seen in a Publix grocery store off Clark Rd. just a few days earlier. Surveillance video showed her being picked up by a middle-aged couple and being put in the back seat of a late model SUV. She seemed to go willingly, although she may have been frozen in fear when they grabbed her.

Gloria had had a checkered past, but friends say she was getting her life turned around and wanted to attend cooking school, which, now seems tragically ironic. She had been raised on a farm out in the midwest. As is so often the case, she fell in with the wrong crowd. Started using drugs, mostly artificial hormones, steroids, growth enhancers. Probably trying to grow bigger boobs. Why do chicks think that a bigger chest is the answer to all their problems? Probably because we men tell them it is.......

She ended up in Sarasota, shaking her tailfeathers at a seedy topless bar downtown. Made a pin-up calendar for a local Lexus dealership, where she became known as 'The Wilde Turkey.' It was all gravy for Gloria for a while, but then began the inexorable slide into the hellish world of porn. Not your average run-of-the-mill-boy-meets-girl, girl-jumps-in-the-sack-with-boy, girl-convinces-her-two-girlfriends-to-join-them, girls-catch-boy-with-an-older-woman, girls-forgive-him and the-five-of-them-live-happily-ever-after porn though.

No, this was worse. Much worse than that.

Gloria started dabbling in hardcore poultry porn under the name 'Tawni Turkey.' I found a promo shot. Definitely NSFW.

From there, nobody knows what happened to Gloria. Poultry porn is an industry that gobbles you up and spits you out. You might go in a whole bird, but you come out in nuggets.

We never did locate the people in that SUV. We don't know if they were the killers or if they just might have had Gloria over for dinner that Thanksgiving.

The clues went cold, the case dried up. Her parents have since disappeared, the topless bar downtown where she worked was razed and is soon to be either a world-class parking garage, a state-of-the-art mini-Fenway Park for Boston Red Sox spring training or just another vacant lot on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Sarasota, FL, USA. Nobody in the poultry porn business remembers her. Too many new chicks have come along for the poultry pervs to drool over since Gloria plied her trade for some ignorant mother-clucking producer.

Gloria--or what was left of her--ended up in landfill somewhere, I suppose.

The case still haunts me. And every year around this time, I take out that faded old photo of her dressed in her prom gown and wonder what might have been. Would she have met a handsome Tom, gotten married, bought a nice coop, hatched a couple eggs, raised a family of poults and lived out the rest of her days in peace on that midwestern farm?

Or is that just my pie in the sky dream.

Probably pumpkin.

With whipped cream.

And not that Cool Whip crap, either.

Gloria G. Gobbler at the 2004 annual Turkey Trot Dance at Frank Perdue High School.

Paula Deen Diagnosed With Concussion From Flying Ham, Listed As Doubtful For Thursday's Big Showdown

Celebrity chef and noted Southern comfort, Paula Deen, sustained a blow to the head from a frozen ham thrown by a volunteer while helping to offload food destined for Savannah charities. While she appeared to shake off the injury and hobbled to the sideline under her own power, reports later indicated that Deen was experiencing headaches and has since been diagnosed with a concussion. Her agent, Barry Weiner, said that, as a result of her injury, she will not play in Thursday's Thanksgiving dinner.

"She was visibly rattled from the hit," said Weiner. "At no time, however, did she lose consciousness. And, contrary to published reports from less than reliable sources, did Paula ever have hallucinations that Gen. Sherman was on his way to raze Savannah and that they all needed to 'skedaddle.' Those scurrilous reports are patently absurd."

Celebrity gossip website, TMZ, declined comment after posting the Sherman story, but said they would stand by their sources.

Officials from the Food Network are reviewing videotape from the incident to determine if any fines or suspensions will result. "On the surface," said an unidentified foodie, "it seems that Deen successfully completed her pass to a receiver at the end of the line for a score. Following the completion, however, an interior lineman threw the ham back at Deen. At the very least, the lineman in question should have been penalized for excessive celebration, perhaps even a personal foul for unnecessary roughness, but no flag was thrown."

Food Network commentator, Bobby Flay, noted, "We've all seen Paula take hits like that before. I was in the kitchen with her back in 2001 when she was blindsided by that standing rib roast. That was a helluva hit. I still don't know how she got up after that one. She was always kind of the poster child for cooking hurt, though. You'd think the banged-up knees or the separated shoulder wouldn't let her stand at the stove the whole time, but she hung in there until the meal was over. She's a warrior; a true champion."

Deen's son, Jamie, said that the decision was made to err on the side of caution and hold her out of Thursday's dinner. "We talked to several doctors and decided that this was best for Paula and the team. We've got a lot of big dinners coming up with the holiday season and all and we're not going to take a chance with Paula's health."

"Paula, you know, being the competitor that she is, wanted to give it a shot, make it a game-time decision, but we felt, in the interest of the team, that she should sit this one out and live to cook another day, so to speak. We are going to start my brother, Bobby, in Paula's absence tomorrow. Next week, we'll have Paula to do some light cooking at our restaurant, The Lady and Sons, and we'll evaluate her performance there."

Quipped fellow celebrity chef, Rachael Ray, "I guess trichinosis isn't the only way an undercooked ham can hurt you....."

Obama Forgoes Holiday Tradition, Says Thanksgiving Turkey Will Not Be Pardoned

In a move that Washington insiders view as an attempt to improve his image as a more hawkish, tough-minded leader, Pres. Obama made the startling announcement today that he is breaking with the longstanding tradition of granting a presidential pardon to the Thanksgiving turkey.

"These are times when we all are called upon to make sacrifices," said the president. "These are times when we are called upon to give our all. I'm not going to stand idly by while our brave men and women are fighting in Afghanistan, Iraq and thousands of bars and clubs all over the world and just allow this turkey to simply retire to a farm in upstate New York."

The turkey in question was visibly shaken at the surprise proclamation. Later, his attorney told reporters that he, too, was stunned by the president's sudden reversal. Said noted Sarasota defense attorney, Derek Byrd, "My client was led to believe that he would, naturally, be pardoned, as has been the tradition since 1963, when then Pres. John F. Kennedy pronounced those words of hope and inspiration, "Let's just keep him." Is not my client entitled to those same protections under this implied federal mandate?"

Legal scholars have been scrambling to find any type of precedent regarding such cases, realizing full well the lethal implications for the Christmas goose, as well. Given the looming deadline of the Wednesday evening execution, Byrd said he would be filing motions in federal court to stay the sentence until he could present his argument. His staff was combing the Congressional Record to determine if there were any friendly vegetarian politicians who would rally to the defense of Byrd's bird.

Byrd acknowledged that he had a tough road ahead of him. "I think the United States did a great disservice to the noble turkey when they disregarded the advice of Benjamin Franklin and made the bald eagle the national symbol instead of the turkey. I'm afraid it's been downhill for the species ever since. Now the word 'turkey' has become a pejorative term of derision and scorn. That and a country somewhere over in the Europe, I think. Or maybe Asia."

Court officials, citing the impending Thanksgiving holiday, did not hold out much hope for a delay in carrying out the President's wishes. Said one anonymous staffer, "Considering that most of us are going to be gorging ourselves on turkey on Thursday, it's tough to mount a lot of sympathy for the guy, you know?"

Grassroot supporters have formed an ad hoc coalition of death penalty opponents, vegetarians and, the strangest bedfellows of all, right-wing conservatives, who normally have nothing but contempt for the two former groups. Given their intense abhorrence of all things Obama, they have thrown their considerable clout behind saving the turkey.

Said Glenn Beck, "While we hate the bleeding hearts who whine about the death penalty and the liberals from the likes of PETA who whine about killing and eating meat, we hate Obama even more. To that end, we have formed the Waive the Turkey Foundation or WTF.

"You see, I've talked turkey with that turkey and found him to be a staunch patriot," Beck continued, fighting to hold back his trademark tears. "I've looked him in the eye, stood snood to snood with him, and know in my heart that he is a true American bird."

Replied Obama Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, "Tell Beck to keep talking. We like a little 'whine' with our turkey."

Documents just released indicate that the father of this year's turkey had been on death row in New Jersey and was executed just last year around this same time, as seen in this unconfirmed deathbed photo.