I'm Andre Watkins and I Am The N.R.A.

"My name is Andre Watkins. I've been accused of shooting to death a 19-year old girl and critically wounding two other apparently random victims, committing an armed carjacking and trying to shoot another man who, unfortunately, escaped. Now, I am incarcerated in the Hillsborough County Jail where I am being mistreated, subjected to police brutality, made to wear a hood at my arraignment so I couldn't spit on the guards, attempted to prevent me from screaming profanities at the judge and, worst of all, won't return my pistol to my possession in direct violation of my Constitutionally-protected Second Amendment rights."

"I am the N.R.A..........

Judicial Mixup Gives Oil-Drilling Opponents More Than They Bargained For In Siesta Key Beach Protest

Hundreds of well-intentioned citizens who showed up on Siesta Key public beach to participate in the "Hands Across The Sands" demonstration on Sat., Feb 13th, to voice their opposition to the proposed off-shore drilling for oil. Now, all those civic-minded people have become mired in a legal entanglement that threatens to uproot their lives in a way in which they never could have imagined.

The dilemma stems from what appears to be an honest mistake by Sarasota County judge, Becky Titus who, for some years now, has conducted a marriage vow renewal ceremony every Valentine's Day on Siesta Key beach, known as "Say I Do Again."

"I was driving past Siesta Key beach on Saturday afternoon and saw all these people streaming toward the beach," said Judge Titus later that day. "All of a sudden I just thought 'Oh, my gosh, they must be here for my wedding ceremony!', not realizing that it was Sat., the 13th, and not Sunday, the 14th. In my defense, I've been fighting the flu and have been consuming copious amounts of cold medication. You can ask anyone who's appeared in my courtroom lately--I've just been out of it for a couple of months now."

"So I parked my car, jumped into my robes and ran to the beach and found everyone holding hands, stretched out as far as I could see. I thought it was so romantic and just got caught up in the scene. I spoke to the crowd and when I asked them if they wished to renew their marriage vows, they all shouted "I do." It was only later that I learned that, because of the windy conditions that afternoon, everyone thought I asked "Do you solemnly oppose this drilling with all your natural life?" I then pronounced them husband and wife. All of them."

"Only when everyone started chanting "Don't Drill On Our Beach" did I start to think that something was wrong. Although, I must admit that for a second, I thought, perhaps, that some amorous couple may have gotten swept up in the moment and began to, well, you know, right there on the beach. After all, I am known for conducting a very moving ceremony."



Legal experts agree that it was, in fact, a lawfully-binding marriage ceremony and that with the pronouncement of the participants saying aloud "I do", in the eyes of the law they are now officially wed to whomever they were holding hands with at the time they spoke those words. Now the question becomes what to do, as most of the participants are legally wed more than one person, since they had formed a human chain and were holding hands with two people, making them guilty of bigamy. Then there is the dilemma of gay marriage, since many of the people were holding hands with someone of the same sex. By Florida law, these persons are now considered criminals.

Florida's Attorney General, Bill McCollum, who is coincidentally running for governor, has released a statement that his office has "no choice but to prosecute those person or persons who were legally married on Siesta Key beach in an offically-recognized legal proceeding to the fullest extent of the law, in accordance with state and federal statutes and the Bill McCollum Campaign for Governor, 2010, 'Get Tough On Crime' platform."

Religious leaders also point to the various violations of canon and ethical law resulting from the misguided beach ceremony. Various mainstream Protestant, Catholic and Jewish clergy affirmed that those people who are entered into an illicit marriage with another are "condemned to an eternity in the fiery depths of hell, and that without remedy," although several women who were recently ordained as Roman Catholic priests in a Sarasota ceremony have offered special discounts on annulments and planned to place ads to that effect in local newspapers. A spokes-saint for the Diocese of Venice has already made it clear that "the women priests and anyone who supported them were no longer members of the Church of Rome." They also said to "be aware of cheap imitations" and that discount-pricing on any church-related service would not be offered unless authorized by the home office in Vatican City.

The Sarasota Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons), however, indicated that all those who are now married to more than one spouse are welcome to worship and tithe at their church, whose motto is: "Two spouses, no problem. Bad credit, now that's a problem."

Farley "The Drum Dude" Monach, a regular participant in the popular Siesta Key drum circle on Sunday evenings, declared dreamily, "Far out, man," when informed of the matrimonial mixup.

Meanwhile, a spokesflak for the Exxon Mobil, Shell, British Petroleum, Chevron and 3-in-1 Oil Consortium expressed little sympathy for the plight of the Siesta Key beach protesters. "Maybe they should just stay at home and leave the fate of the beach in the hands of us professionals," she said.

*Full Disclosure Notice: Author has been to Siesta Key Public Beach, is married and uses petroleum products.

The Right Honorable Judge Becky Titus: "And that's my rulin'........."

Rays Look For New Sponsor To Name Field After Offer From Ecological Despoiler and Environmental Rapist, Mosaic, Is Withdrawn

The Tampa Bay Rays are shopping for a new sponsor to buy the naming rights to its spring training facility in Charlotte County. The tentative deal by pollution giant, Mosaic Phosphate Mining and Planet Killer, was withdrawn by the Rays after a public outcry, especially from the citizens of Charlotte County and a few sanctimonious politicians, like Commissioner Adam Cummings, who vowed, "I will not take their 30 pieces of silver or step foot in any stadium under the name Mosaic." No word on whether 31 pieces of silver would have swayed the commissioner.

The newly-refurbished Charlotte County Stadium was the site of a very successful spring training for the baseball club last year and officials hope that the money secured from the sale of the naming rights to the stadium will pay for some much-needed upgrades to the facility.

"As this is Southwest Florida," said one Rays official, "we know that it's all about the show. We had to hit a home run with the customer amenities right out of the box to make this work. Maybe that whole 'if you build it, they will come' thing works on those corn-fed rubes in Iowa, but, here, it's more like 'if you build it outrageously swanky, they will come--maybe.' I mean, fans really love our Boardwalk, our Tiki Bar, our topless vendors. We wanted to give our fans a true laid-back Florida experience."



One thing the club would like is to upgrade the playing surface by replacing the all-dirt field with a more traditional grass outfield, at the very least. Mosaic Phosphate was considered a natural fit as a business partner for the stadium, as they are the state's largest producer of fertilizer. Next to Tallahassee.
It was also hoped that after the new sod, there would be enough money left over to buy the old Johnston place which is inconveniently located in short left-center field. While the Rays are accustomed to playing with quirky ground rules in their home dome of Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, club officials are irate that during the 14 home games at the Charlotte County facility last March, 186 baseballs were lost to Old Man Johnston, who has steadfastly refused to return them.

The Rays and Charlotte County have announced that they are currently entertaining bids from several other entities for naming rights to the stadium. They include:

• the newly-formed Tea Party Political Party, who want to name it "Palin Park", but would require teams to field only players who can document that they are English-speaking, white Anglo-Saxon Americans.



• disgraced Ponzi schemers, Art Nadel and Neil Moody, who would name it "Scoop Stadium" after their now defunct sham investment firm, Scoop Management. They would also require that the games played there be broadcast on closed-circuit TV to all federal prisons.



• the Southwest Florida Association of Mortgage Appraisers, who want to re-name the facility "Drive-By Stadium" in recognition of how they conduct residential appraisals.



• the Miccosukee Indian tribe, who would call the stadium complex "The Lucky Lady" and install slot machines at all entrances and have twice-an-inning raffles. They would also prohibit any games involving the Cleveland Indians or the Atlanta Braves.



• the Charlotte County Board of Realtors, who wish to name the field "Buy Now Ballpark" and require everyone in attendance to fill out an information card, including their most recent credit score.



• the Southwest Florida Banking Federation, who would choose to christen the park, "Bailout Ballpark" and plan on removing all the existing seating and replace them with prohibitively-expensive luxury boxes to "discourage the riff-raff from coming."



• the Sarasota Citizens for Responsible Government, who would simply close the stadium because "if Sarasota County isn't playing baseball, then neither is Charlotte County. We know we can sue them for something."



• and, finally, it has been learned that the Toyota Motor Company has recalled their bid. So has Honda.

Meanwhile, the City of North Port is anxiously awaiting spring training for the Rays to begin in late February, as they welcome fans driving through their community to attend the games.

The management of the Rays strongly suggest that out-of-towners do NOT call any local 911s for directions to the ball park. It is illegal. And Sarasota County 911 will send you to the wrong address, North Port's system "unfortunately, doesn't work that way" and Charlotte County 911 will refuse to give you an answer if it overlaps a shift change.

Haiti Courts Demand Repatriation of All Orphans Adopted By Foreigners Since 1985

Fresh on the heels of the arrest of ten Americans from the Central Valley Baptist Church in Meridian, Idaho for trying to spirit 33 Haitian children, ranging in age from 2 through 12, into the Dominican Republic claiming that they were orphans when, in reality, some were clearly not, the Haitian government has declared null and void all adoptions of Haitian children by foreign families after 1985. While this ruling would dictate that the oldest of the group is now approaching 25 years of age, the administration in Haiti has determined that they must return to their homeland or face legal action by the Haitian authorities.

Exact numbers will be hard to come by since any records that might have been saved from these adoptions were probably destroyed in the recent earthquake. Haitian officials are hoping that the adoptees will return "on the honor system."

Said one high-ranking government official from his tent just outside Port-au-Prince, "Haiti needs her children to come home. While we were happy to be rid of the extra mouths to feed when you were babies and that you were adopted by loving, nurturing families who saw to your every need, fed you, clothed you, educated you, treated you as they would have treated their own children and helped you to assimilate into their own societies. And that is precisely why we are requiring that you come back to Haiti."


"We have lost almost 175,000 of our population in Haiti, so we now have room for you to come back. You little ones can come back and people from all over the world will donate money to build more schools and to hire many, many Haitian teachers who will form a union and become tenured, so that they cannot be fired for any reason, just like in America."


"Those of you who are older and have completed your education paid for by your adoptive parents in other countries can come back and build lucrative businesses like off-shore banking here in Haiti funded with donations from foreign interests. Haiti will become the Switzerland of the Caribbean. In a few years after your greed demolishes our fragile economy again, we will solicit foreign donations for a bailout for you, so that you can be paid your bonuses."



"And those of you who were adopted by more wealthy parents who sent you to medical school and have become physicians can come home and run hospitals here that will be subsidized by other nations, allowing you to become very rich. You can become even more rich by helping to shape our healthcare system into an out-of-control bureaucracy manipulated by our own profiteering health insurance industry. Does not Haiti have a long history of piracy? "



"That will leave the rest of us who never had the good fortune to be adopted to enter politics here in Haiti. As we re-build our beloved island nation together, then we will have our rightful opportunity to profit obscenely from the billions of dollars in donations that will flow like a mighty river into our country, so that we, too, may share in the abundance of riches that God has provided us from the earthquake."

Forget The iPad; Now The Really Big News: iPacket!

A large mushroom cloud was spotted over northern California today as Steve Jobs exploded in a fit of rage after his latest 15 minutes basking in the limelight reflected off the shiny foreheads of GeekNation over Apple's long-awaited and longer-hyped release of the IPad was upstaged by none other than stodgy old food giant, HJ Heinz, and the considerably less publicized, but significantly more earth-shattering public unveiling of the most revolutionary product from that elder statesman of pickle-packers since they peddled their first gherkin.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....................The iPacket.

Sure to be at the top of everyone's list of the 22nd century's most incredible innovations when 2099 rolls around, people, their clones and the robots who rule them will all be dipping their Pluto fries in the ubiquitous ketchup-dispensing device and wonder just how civilization did not implode upon itself until the new iPacket was put into use, way back in 2010.

The traditional ketchup packet, sure to be lauded by conservative Tea Baggers as a vital part of the fundamental American fabric and not something to be tampered with, will become a touchstone for everything that was once right with the U S of A, but is now on the brink of destruction. The state of Florida will place a referendum on their mid-term ballot to save the current packet, with right-wing Senate candidate, Marco Rubio claiming: "If it was good enough for Thomas Jefferson to use, then I, too, choose the the good old American ketchup packaging preferred by our Founding Fathers."

Gov. Charlie Crist, feeling the pressure to be even more conservative than his opponent Rubio, will declare that "I don't think handing out condiments to school children will replace the purity of abstinence as a method of preventing teen pregnancies and, as your senator in Washington, I will fight to rescind Democratic funding for such an evil practice. Amen."

Pat Robertson has already said on his nationally-televised 700 Club that the new ketchup packaging appears to be "the handiwork of the devil," citing a little-known pact between Satan and HJ Heinz shortly after Heinz sold his soul for a product that would give him world domination. "That product, my friends, in ketchup, " Robertson intoned gravely. "Up until 1876 when this deal was consummated with the devil, it was spelled 'catsup.' That's how it's spelled in the King James version of the Bible; you can look it up. Well, the old devil didn't like that, so he told Henry J. to change it to 'ketchup' and, as you know, the rest is history. True story."

Government officials, however, are issuing strong warnings regarding the inherent health dangers of the new packaging, as it is purported to contain approximately three times the amount of tomatoey goodness as its predecessor. Said Regina Benjamin, Surgeon General of the United States, "We are concerned that young children especially will be subjected to these new higher amounts of ketchup and be prone to accidental overdosing scenarios. Parents need to monitor their children's intake of ketchup and watch for warning signs of abuse, such as overeating of foods typically associated with the condiment, such as French fries, onion rings, hamburgers, hot dogs, etc."

"There used to be an old wive's tale intimating that ketchup counteracted the high calorie and high fat content of these foods, but extensive federally-funded testing conducted in the early 1990s dispelled that myth. This office intends to press for legislation to place warning labels on these packages similar to those labels already in place on cigarette packaging. Personally, I don't see any difference between these new ketchup packets and heroin," she concluded.

Timothy Geithner, Pres. Obama's Secretary of the Treasury, is concerned that the new packaging will plunge the world into an even greater financial quagmire. "Consider this," he recently told Congressional leaders in a closed-door session. "More ketchup in the package, condiment producers charge more for it, restaurants and other prepared-food outlets subsequently raise their prices, setting off another round of wholesale inflation, leading to economic chaos and the eventual rise of zombies."

Banks and other financial institutions, however, welcomed the introduction of the new larger ketchup delivery system and vowed to spend "every bit of TARP money we can squeeze out of the government to fight the government on this issue. We view this extra ketchup as a bonus and we have yet to meet a bonus we didn't like."

Meanwhile, the rest of the world rejoices. There is hope for the survival of humanity yet.


Apple's iPad.................meh.

The new Dip & Squeeze ketchup packet.................WOW!!!!

>

Waterfront Homeowner Fires Opening Salvo In Fight To Save His View

Taking his cue from the success of the elite waterfront homeowners who have brought the restoration of the many spoil islands to a complete standstill because they fear removing the existing non-native plant life and replacing it with slower-growing native species that would be beneficial to, not only the quality of Sarasota's onshore Gulf waters, but the overall health of our entire bayfront ecosystem as well, Poshol Nahuj of Siesta Key has escalated his viewfront vendetta to a new level.

Late Tuesday afternoon, Mr. Nahuj fired a short-range missile from his front yard into the We're Only Here For A Short Time Nursing Home and Glue Factory located just off Main Street near downtown Sarasota. The missile, equipped with a non-nuclear warhead, blasted a cavernous opening in the structure, decimating floors 4 through 11 and leaving the 12th floor virtually inhabitable due to the danger of imminent collapse.



Rescue crews have pulled dozens of bodies from the rubble and the injured are being treated in rudimentary makeshift facilities, owing to the fact that most Florida hospital rooms are already occupied by Haitian refugees. Nearby states have refused to accept those wounded in Tuesday's blast, citing Charlie Crist's attempt to paint himself as a fiscally-badass Republican by effectively shutting down the federal airlift by refusing to accept anymore injured Haitians until Crist was assured of payment by the Obama administration.

Now other states' leaders are jumping on that bandwagon and refusing to treat injured Floridians. Said one unidentfied politico from South Carolina, "We understand Gov. Crist is in a fight for his political life down there, trying to one-up his opponent in the race for senator, Marco Rubio, by taking this hardline approach, but, hey, if Charlie wants to be a dick, he has to accept the crabs that come with that role from time to time."

When reached at his palatial north Siesta Key mansion, Mr. Nahuj explained his actions as follows: "When I buy house, real estate lady say I have view of downtown, that is why house cost so much. I look, I look, I don't see downtown for nothing. She say I have to climb on roof and stand on tiptoes to see downtown, but it still counts for premium charge for view."

"I say 'OK' because I have lied to get my way plenty of times in my country so this is OK with me. Brother Yuri brings me missile from Afghanistan Surplus Store in Moscow--he tells man at airport screening in New York that it is firework for agricultural use only and is legal in Florida, man says "I know, I get cherry bombs from grandparents in Florida every 4th of July, so is OK" and lets him through."

"So yesterday, Yuri and I shoot missile to make view for downtown. Whole building was supposed to fall down, but you know how undependable and cheap Russian missiles are. Hole in building is nice, but now I demand city take down rest of building so I have better view or I don't donate to nobody's re-election. I tell them, 'Maybe Poshol Nahuj run for city commissioner....' I get my way, you wait and see. They no want Poshol to be in their club, is for sure."

"I am sorry for all people who die and get hurt, but in my country, you take what is yours. Real estate lady tell me I pay for view, then I get view. Now I can see from water on one side of house and downtown on other side of house. Now, you people here: GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN OR I KILL YOU ALL! Time for Poshol to go swim in his ocean he buy."

Pandemonium in Punxsutawney: Scores Dead, More Injured In Rodent Rampage

Emergency officials are at a loss today to explain the orgy of death and destruction that took place earlier today in this sleepy hamlet where thousands had gathered in anticipation of a groundhog's annual rite of weather prognostication via his shadow. Police have confirmed over 40 deaths and an, as yet, undetermined number of injured, most centered around Gobbler's Knob.

The groundhog's chief handler, Kinka Wena, places the blame squarely at the feet of PETA. Speaking from his hospital bed in Pittsburgh, PA, Mr. Wena explained, "For the last couple years, those self-righteous bastards at PETA pressured us relentlessly to replace our groundhog, Phil, with an animatronic groundhog saying that it was the humane thing to do. So, last May we did and now look what happened."

"I don't know, maybe it was our fault, too. We had a bid for a robotic groundhog from Disney, but we thought the price was too high. The barber here in town told a nephew who goes to Carnegie Mellon in Pittsburgh, so he and his buddies brought us a prototype robot that looked and acted pretty good for a fraction of Disney's bid. We should have known--that kid was always a rotten little creep."

"Everything seemed to be going just fine this morning. I reached in the burrow and pulled out the robot, pressed his activation switch and turned him to face the crowd. It started to wiggle around in my arms as programmed, then, all of a sudden, started to thrash around violently until it slipped from my grasp and all I had left in my arms was the furry outer shell. That's when I saw...... IT!"



"Dear God, the thing's eyes started to glow red and it just took off into the crowd, slashing it's way through, flinging body parts into the air. The people began screaming and started to stampede off Gobbler's Knob and back toward town. I can't imagine how many innocent people were trampled to death there on the Knob."

Civil authorities still have no clue as to the whereabouts of the maniacal marmot, which managed to melt away in the melee. Several witnesses, though, have contacted the Pennsylvania State Police to report a small metallic-like figure wearing a black leather jacket and sunglasses riding a Harley-Davidson motorcycle in an erratic fashion, carrying some sort of firearm. Reports indicate the suspect was headed westbound on Rt. 422.

Today's calamity was but the latest tragic consequence of PETA's misguided attempt to replace Phil, believing that it was better for him to return to the wild and to live out his days as a creature of the forest.

When the decision was made by the esteemed Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, a secretive organization of local businessmen who conduct the annual Feb. 2nd festivities, to swap the live rodent for a robot at the behest of the animal rights group, it fell to Chairman Wena to break the news to Phil that he was being furloughed.

The winsome woodchuck did not take the news well, although the Borough of Punxsutawney gave Phil a, by all accounts, generous severance package, even allowing him to remain in his old, familiar burrow atop Gobbler's Knob until the first of the year when the new "Phil" was to be installed and activated.

Phil tried to get in the swing of life in the wild, but had few practical skills to survive on his own, after years of having his every whim catered to by his caretakers. He told friends that he never cared for the taste of roots and berries, preferring a large mushroom and green pepper from his favorite pizza joint.

Local townsfolk would see Phil, more often than not, just sitting outside his Gobbler's Knob burrow, reminiscing about his former celebrity, posing for pictures snapped by tourists and fans. He would narrate his encounters with the rich and famous who flocked to see him every February to anybody who would listen.

Before long, Phil was frequenting the bars that line Main St. in Punxy and, as so often happens to the unintiated and naive, fell in with the wrong crowd. In August, Phil and his newfound cronies were busted for operating a meth lab in a ramshackle house on the outskirts of town.



Phil was sentenced to probation, partly because it was his first offense and partly, townsfolk admit quietly, because of Phil's reputation and in appreciation of his many years of service to the borough. Phil and his weather forecasts were the driving economic engine for the 6,300 inhabitants of this sleepy village for over 120 years. There were some attempts to help Phil overcome his demons by concerned citizens, but he began to increasingly become a nuisance and an embarrassment to the town.

An effort by the town council to ban Phil from frequenting downtown Punxsutawney businesses failed by a narrow margin. By now, Phil's antics had progressed from being the loveable drunken groundhog weaving up and down the sidewalks to more hostile behavior, including public urination, destruction of property, verbal harrassment and even physical attacks on townspeople.

The sad story of the outsourced groundhog reached it's inevitable conclusion on a snowy December night when Phil, despondent over mounting debts, increasing alienation from the townsfolk and his imminent eviction from the only burrow he had ever known atop Gobbler's Knob, left Calypso Ray's Island Lagoon Bar & Grill around 1:30 AM and was struck and killed by an unknown hit-and-run driver as he stepped off the curb while making his way home.


No one has ever been arrested nor charged in the case and some locals believe the town council may have had it's shadowy hand in Phil's death. The accident was given a cursory investigation, then hushed up by local authorities, fearing a public outcry over such an ignominious end for such a cherished icon.

Phil was quietly laid to rest, without ceremony or note, in a small plot of woods overlooking his beloved Gobbler's Knob this past Christmas Day, one week before his PETA-approved replacement arrived.

*No members of PETA were harmed in the writing of this post.