On the eve of the vote to renew the public education tax in Sarasota County, the School Board is busily wiping egg off its collective face over the latest high-dollar boondoggle to surface in the school system.
Apparently, the school district's Drivers Ed teachers convinced the administration to buy driving simulators to cut down on actually having to take the school district's fleet of new Lexuses out on the highways and byways of the county. They argued that using a computer simulation to teach teenagers how to drive while texting, finding a good song on the radio and checking out their hair in the rear-view mirror would be infinitely more safer for the kids. Not to mention the instructors. And the tourists. It would be a shame to kill any cash-carrying tourists that came to Sarasota, especially in this economy.
The driving instructors, however, hit paydirt with the administration when they mentioned that they could spend more time sitting in their chairs with their feet up on their desks if the little snot-noses were sitting in a Disneyesque simulator in a darkened classroom instead of actually driving. "Well, if we can give our teachers more time to sit around drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, what's the downside to that?"
The School Board didn't take much convincing to spend $14 million on the simulators, knowing full well that in a few short weeks they would be rolling in the dough when the 1-mill tax extension is passed by county voters. After all, it is for the kids, you know.
One slight problem, however, has surfaced with the driving simulators. Oh, the kids think the graphics are cool, the teachers enjoy not taking those white-knuckle rides down 41 anymore, waiting for that distinctive thump-thump of driving over some hapless soul and the administration hopes to save the $14 million price tag of the simulators in reduced insurance costs now that they won't be having to settle all those wrongful death suits brought by the families of the people who have been run down.
The problem, it seems, is that the driving simulators are made by Toyota.
Take 'er for a test spin yourself and see what all the fuss is about: Toyota Simulator
Don't bother to buckle up. It won't help.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Iraqis Overwhelmingly Elect Saddam Hussein On Write-In Ballot, Officials Unsure How To Proceed
Iraqi leaders and the Allied Coalition were stunned yesterday when, with over 60% of the precincts reporting, Al-Jazeera was predicting that deposed dictator, Saddam Hussein, would be the winner in the Iraq election after amassing an insurmountable number of write-in votes. Election officials are mulling what they should do next, considering that the will of the Iraqi people is, apparently, a clear mandate for the return of their former leader, who was hanged in Dec., 2006.
This vote is an obvious setback for American and coalition efforts to bring freedom, democracy and the American way to this troubled land, including two wars, countless resources and a tremendous loss of life on both sides. Pres. Obama has been advised of the election's outcome and is meeting with Sec. of State, Hillary Clinton, to devise a course of action. The Obama administration has long held that the Iraqis should have complete control of their internal affairs and that a democratically-elected president should be chosen by a free and open vote, which, by all accounts, is exactly what has taken place, with the election process actually receiving the Jimmy Carter seal of approval.
Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said earlier today that no one could have predicted an outcome like this. "We had no idea that anything like this was even remotely possible. Don't the Iraqi people remember how evil Saddam was? Don't they know how much better off they are now that they are free and rid of him? Don't they know he's DEAD???"
In an unprecedented display of bipartisanship, the Obama administration was reaching out to some of the very Republicans who had orchestrated the hijacking of the 2004 American election, including Karl Rove, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris, to determine if the results of this vote could be purloined in a similar manner. Said former President, George W. Bush, "Something like this is bigger than Republican or Democrat ideology, this stuff is REALLY important."
An Iraqi shopkeeper told an interviewer, "I tell you what; you Americans love your freedom, you love your democracy, you love your Wal-Marts, you love your hot dogs and pizza, you love your shiny Cadillacs, you love your Santa Claus--OK, good for you, you keep them. We don't want them. This is Iraq, is not America."
"When Saddam Hussein was in charge, we had electricity, we had gasoline, we had bus system, we had water in pipes, a little money in our pockets. We have law and order. We pretty happy being Iraqis. Foreigners getting rich stealing our oil, but, at least, Iraqis have jobs in oil fields. Only people got killed were people Saddam not like. You don't piss off Saddam, he no kill you. Pretty simple life."
"Now, Americans take over country--even though we don't invite--and Iraqis don't have no electricity, no gasoline, no more water in pipes. And no money in our pockets; doesn't matter if we did, money is not worth nothing no more. No more law, no more order. Foreigners still only ones getting rich off our oil, but now Iraqis have no jobs because they bring in foreign workers from outside Iraq. Now, everybody in Iraq getting killed: young, old, good, bad, rich, poor, man, woman, children--doesn't make difference, everybody get killed. Now is terrible life in Iraq."
Demonstrators have flooded the streets in Baghdad, as well as other cities in Iraq, carrying posters of Saddam Hussein's likeness and banners bearing his name. Spontaneous demonstrations have also been observed in many European cities and on college campuses worldwide, demanding that Saddam be returned to power in Iraq.
Noted conspiracy theorist, Dr. Alvord Heidenheimer, of Whistlebottom College in Sarasota, FL, has long espoused the belief that Saddam is alive and that the execution was staged for the American public who demanded their pound of flesh from the Iraqi dictator. "America and its allies wanted a scapegoat, someone to pay, someone to get a public beatdown at the hands of the forces of good. Hello, Saddam. So, they find him in a hole, put him on trial and hang him. But, not really........."
"Saddam knows too many secrets, has too many friends, knows where the bodies are buried. Literally. Why do you think the first Bush stopped short of going into Iraq and finishing the job? A deal was struck with several Middle Eastern leaders not to interfere with our invasion and occupation of Iraq if we would put Saddam in a "witness-protection"-like program. Everybody agreed to the plan. Well, everybody except Iran's Ahmandinejad; they never told him about it because they knew he wouldn't go along with the whole idea. I mean, the guy's been telling everyone the truth about the Holocaust hoax for years, no one wanted to take the chance that he'd open his mouth about this scheme on the off chance that somebody would believe him."
"I have it on good authority that Saddam Hussein has been seen pumping gas at a BP station in Bridgeville, Pennsylvania. And, if that location sounds familiar to you, it should. That's the exact same gas station that Elvis worked at in the late 1990s until his disappearance the day before the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center in 2001."
Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti: b. April 28, 1937, d. ???
"I'll be back........."
This vote is an obvious setback for American and coalition efforts to bring freedom, democracy and the American way to this troubled land, including two wars, countless resources and a tremendous loss of life on both sides. Pres. Obama has been advised of the election's outcome and is meeting with Sec. of State, Hillary Clinton, to devise a course of action. The Obama administration has long held that the Iraqis should have complete control of their internal affairs and that a democratically-elected president should be chosen by a free and open vote, which, by all accounts, is exactly what has taken place, with the election process actually receiving the Jimmy Carter seal of approval.
Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said earlier today that no one could have predicted an outcome like this. "We had no idea that anything like this was even remotely possible. Don't the Iraqi people remember how evil Saddam was? Don't they know how much better off they are now that they are free and rid of him? Don't they know he's DEAD???"
In an unprecedented display of bipartisanship, the Obama administration was reaching out to some of the very Republicans who had orchestrated the hijacking of the 2004 American election, including Karl Rove, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris, to determine if the results of this vote could be purloined in a similar manner. Said former President, George W. Bush, "Something like this is bigger than Republican or Democrat ideology, this stuff is REALLY important."
An Iraqi shopkeeper told an interviewer, "I tell you what; you Americans love your freedom, you love your democracy, you love your Wal-Marts, you love your hot dogs and pizza, you love your shiny Cadillacs, you love your Santa Claus--OK, good for you, you keep them. We don't want them. This is Iraq, is not America."
"When Saddam Hussein was in charge, we had electricity, we had gasoline, we had bus system, we had water in pipes, a little money in our pockets. We have law and order. We pretty happy being Iraqis. Foreigners getting rich stealing our oil, but, at least, Iraqis have jobs in oil fields. Only people got killed were people Saddam not like. You don't piss off Saddam, he no kill you. Pretty simple life."
"Now, Americans take over country--even though we don't invite--and Iraqis don't have no electricity, no gasoline, no more water in pipes. And no money in our pockets; doesn't matter if we did, money is not worth nothing no more. No more law, no more order. Foreigners still only ones getting rich off our oil, but now Iraqis have no jobs because they bring in foreign workers from outside Iraq. Now, everybody in Iraq getting killed: young, old, good, bad, rich, poor, man, woman, children--doesn't make difference, everybody get killed. Now is terrible life in Iraq."
Demonstrators have flooded the streets in Baghdad, as well as other cities in Iraq, carrying posters of Saddam Hussein's likeness and banners bearing his name. Spontaneous demonstrations have also been observed in many European cities and on college campuses worldwide, demanding that Saddam be returned to power in Iraq.
Noted conspiracy theorist, Dr. Alvord Heidenheimer, of Whistlebottom College in Sarasota, FL, has long espoused the belief that Saddam is alive and that the execution was staged for the American public who demanded their pound of flesh from the Iraqi dictator. "America and its allies wanted a scapegoat, someone to pay, someone to get a public beatdown at the hands of the forces of good. Hello, Saddam. So, they find him in a hole, put him on trial and hang him. But, not really........."
"Saddam knows too many secrets, has too many friends, knows where the bodies are buried. Literally. Why do you think the first Bush stopped short of going into Iraq and finishing the job? A deal was struck with several Middle Eastern leaders not to interfere with our invasion and occupation of Iraq if we would put Saddam in a "witness-protection"-like program. Everybody agreed to the plan. Well, everybody except Iran's Ahmandinejad; they never told him about it because they knew he wouldn't go along with the whole idea. I mean, the guy's been telling everyone the truth about the Holocaust hoax for years, no one wanted to take the chance that he'd open his mouth about this scheme on the off chance that somebody would believe him."
"I have it on good authority that Saddam Hussein has been seen pumping gas at a BP station in Bridgeville, Pennsylvania. And, if that location sounds familiar to you, it should. That's the exact same gas station that Elvis worked at in the late 1990s until his disappearance the day before the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center in 2001."
Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti: b. April 28, 1937, d. ???
"I'll be back........."
Friday, March 5, 2010
Eric Stratton, Star Of “Animal House” Movie, Goes On Rampage, Is Killed In Venice
The Sarasota County Sheriff’s Department has released a preliminary report on the circumstances surrounding the mysterious death of Eric “Otter” Stratton, a former California physician, whose college hijinks were chronicled in the 1978 film, Animal House. Stratton was beaten, then shot to death near a pond in the 300 block of East Venice Boulevard in Venice.
The official report states that Morrell Denton, 96, and Christopher Janssen, 36, were treated for cuts and bruises at Venice Medical Center and released. Another man involved in the incident, Raymond Duval, 53, was not injured. Listen, if you dare, to chilling audio of 9-1-1 call.
Working from statements from the three men, police theorize that Stratton, 74, was returning to his Venice Ave. apartment around 4:30 AM Thursday morning after a night of excessive drinking and carousing, as was his custom since his college days. He stopped to urinate near a retention pond and, upon exiting through the underbrush, was startled by the presence of the elderly Denton, who was out for his usual 4:00 AM stroll around the neighborhood, surreptitiously checking for homeowner’s association violations. He began berating the drunken Stratton for such dissolute behavior and Stratton then, apparently, attacked Denton, attracting the attention of Janssen and Duval, who, serendipitously, just happened to be doing a little yard work at 4:30 in the morning that particular Thursday.
Using a Sears Craftsman bow handle rake and a Garden Weasel rotary cultivator, the two men beat Stratton about the head and body to stop his attack on their neighbor, Denton, knocking Stratton unconscious. While the two men tended their wounds, Sheriff’s Dept. deputies arrived at the scene, having received numerous calls from neighbors who were out and about, going about their normal daily routine during the time of the 4:30 AM attack.
At that point, deputies say, Stratton regained consciousness and tried to drag his bleeding, broken body into the underbrush in a futile attempt to flee. The eight deputies, fearing for their safety, as well as for that of the crowd of around 60 people who had gathered at the scene around 4:45 AM, emptied their weapons at the suspect at point-blank range, striking the prone Stratton three times in the back. He was later pronounced dead at the scene.
When informed of the tragic death of his former fraternity brother at Faber University, former U.S. Senator, John Blutarsky (R) Utah, released this statement: “I am shocked and saddened at the untimely passing of Eric. While some choose to remember Eric as a womanizer, a conniver and a drunk, I choose to remember Eric as the fun-loving “Otter” from our college days at Delta House at Faber U. The last time I heard from Eric was just after his medical license was revoked following the scandal regarding his gynecology practice in Hollywood. He asked if I could help him secure a position with HHS. Given his checkered past and unseemly lifestyle, however, I told him that I thought he would be more suited for political office. My wife, Mandy, and I express our deepest condolences to the Stratton family.”
Robert Hoover, noted high-profile Baltimore defense attorney, expressed outrage at, what he calls, the suspicious circumstances surrounding the death of his friend Stratton. “I intend to delve into this matter with all legal means available. I find it highly suspicious that the current mayor of Venice is Carmine DePasto, who was the mayor of Faber, PA, when our Delta Tau Chi fraternity was involved in an unfortunate incident in the town back in our college days. It would not surprise me to find out that Mayor DePasto was involved in this killing, as Otter and Mrs. DePasto were rumored to have been romantically linked in the past.”
Sarasota County Sheriff, Tom Knight, has announced that the eight deputies involved in the shooting death of Eric “Otter” Stratton have been placed on ‘double secret probation,” pending the outcome of their investigation.
Eric "Otter" Stratton: 1936-2010 "May your last road trip be your best......"
The official report states that Morrell Denton, 96, and Christopher Janssen, 36, were treated for cuts and bruises at Venice Medical Center and released. Another man involved in the incident, Raymond Duval, 53, was not injured. Listen, if you dare, to chilling audio of 9-1-1 call.
Working from statements from the three men, police theorize that Stratton, 74, was returning to his Venice Ave. apartment around 4:30 AM Thursday morning after a night of excessive drinking and carousing, as was his custom since his college days. He stopped to urinate near a retention pond and, upon exiting through the underbrush, was startled by the presence of the elderly Denton, who was out for his usual 4:00 AM stroll around the neighborhood, surreptitiously checking for homeowner’s association violations. He began berating the drunken Stratton for such dissolute behavior and Stratton then, apparently, attacked Denton, attracting the attention of Janssen and Duval, who, serendipitously, just happened to be doing a little yard work at 4:30 in the morning that particular Thursday.
Using a Sears Craftsman bow handle rake and a Garden Weasel rotary cultivator, the two men beat Stratton about the head and body to stop his attack on their neighbor, Denton, knocking Stratton unconscious. While the two men tended their wounds, Sheriff’s Dept. deputies arrived at the scene, having received numerous calls from neighbors who were out and about, going about their normal daily routine during the time of the 4:30 AM attack.
At that point, deputies say, Stratton regained consciousness and tried to drag his bleeding, broken body into the underbrush in a futile attempt to flee. The eight deputies, fearing for their safety, as well as for that of the crowd of around 60 people who had gathered at the scene around 4:45 AM, emptied their weapons at the suspect at point-blank range, striking the prone Stratton three times in the back. He was later pronounced dead at the scene.
When informed of the tragic death of his former fraternity brother at Faber University, former U.S. Senator, John Blutarsky (R) Utah, released this statement: “I am shocked and saddened at the untimely passing of Eric. While some choose to remember Eric as a womanizer, a conniver and a drunk, I choose to remember Eric as the fun-loving “Otter” from our college days at Delta House at Faber U. The last time I heard from Eric was just after his medical license was revoked following the scandal regarding his gynecology practice in Hollywood. He asked if I could help him secure a position with HHS. Given his checkered past and unseemly lifestyle, however, I told him that I thought he would be more suited for political office. My wife, Mandy, and I express our deepest condolences to the Stratton family.”
Robert Hoover, noted high-profile Baltimore defense attorney, expressed outrage at, what he calls, the suspicious circumstances surrounding the death of his friend Stratton. “I intend to delve into this matter with all legal means available. I find it highly suspicious that the current mayor of Venice is Carmine DePasto, who was the mayor of Faber, PA, when our Delta Tau Chi fraternity was involved in an unfortunate incident in the town back in our college days. It would not surprise me to find out that Mayor DePasto was involved in this killing, as Otter and Mrs. DePasto were rumored to have been romantically linked in the past.”
Sarasota County Sheriff, Tom Knight, has announced that the eight deputies involved in the shooting death of Eric “Otter” Stratton have been placed on ‘double secret probation,” pending the outcome of their investigation.
Eric "Otter" Stratton: 1936-2010 "May your last road trip be your best......"
Thursday, March 4, 2010
E-Trade Baby In Hot Water With FAA For Air Traffic Control Incident
The spokesbaby for online trading giant, E-Trade, has been given a time-out by the Federal Aviation Administration for his antics in the control tower at JFK Airport in last month. He and another child were recorded giving takeoff instructions to departing aircraft, a direct violation of FAA policy. E-Trade issued a statement that they were disappointed in the actions of the two toddlers, emphasizing that the incident did not, in any way, “reflect E-Trade’s standards of professionalism” and noting that the two are actually actors employed by their ad agency and not E-Trade Financial, Inc.
The child, 16-month old Tyler Sumnerfield II, dismissed the seriousness of the charges. “Look,” he said, “I have nothing but the utmost respect for the guys in that tower and the job they do, but this whole thing is getting blown out of proportion.”
“A couple months ago, I was playing golf down in Hilton Head with a friend of mine, his father and a friend of his father—an air traffic controller who works the tower at JFK. Things got a little intense on the course and the friend of the father and I had some words about how the game should be played. I felt bad about it later, so I figured the next time I was in town, I’d surprise old Shankapotamus and look him up.”
“So, a buddy and I and I flew into New York in February for some auditions and ended up meeting the guy for lunch. We had a few cocktails—OK, maybe more than a few—and he wanted to introduce me to the rest of the guys in the tower. I thought it would be a hoot to talk to some of the pilots. Never did I think it was going to be such a big deal. I mean, it’s not like I told any of them to land in the Hudson or anything. Although, I gotta tell you, if one of those pilots would have been that Sullenberger dude, I probably would have.”
The FAA has confirmed the presence of the other boy in the tower, 18-month old Paxton Ratcliff. It was not immediately known if Ratcliff actually had verbal communications with any flight personnel or was merely present in the tower with Sumnerfield. The air traffic controller who ushered the boys into the secure area of the tower has been suspended, pending an investigation by authorities.
E-Trade has made no decision yet on whether or not the two would be dropped from their highly-popular commercial campaign. Said an unidentified spokesperson, “I think the company’s probably going to wait and see how this whole Tiger Woods thing shakes out and go from there. While we certainly don’t condone the actions of these two young men vis-à-vis the nation’s airport security protocols, the importance of the job that the air traffic controllers do and the safety of hundreds of air passengers, at least there were no hookers involved. Well, that we know of yet, I mean……..”
"Ty, dude, I so don't think that's a good idea....."
"Yo, Pax, how many planes did I say we had left up in the air?"
"All right, all right, I quit. Jeez, it wasn't that close. I mean, he must have missed that other guy by at least this much........"
Everybody has a blooper reel:
The child, 16-month old Tyler Sumnerfield II, dismissed the seriousness of the charges. “Look,” he said, “I have nothing but the utmost respect for the guys in that tower and the job they do, but this whole thing is getting blown out of proportion.”
“A couple months ago, I was playing golf down in Hilton Head with a friend of mine, his father and a friend of his father—an air traffic controller who works the tower at JFK. Things got a little intense on the course and the friend of the father and I had some words about how the game should be played. I felt bad about it later, so I figured the next time I was in town, I’d surprise old Shankapotamus and look him up.”
“So, a buddy and I and I flew into New York in February for some auditions and ended up meeting the guy for lunch. We had a few cocktails—OK, maybe more than a few—and he wanted to introduce me to the rest of the guys in the tower. I thought it would be a hoot to talk to some of the pilots. Never did I think it was going to be such a big deal. I mean, it’s not like I told any of them to land in the Hudson or anything. Although, I gotta tell you, if one of those pilots would have been that Sullenberger dude, I probably would have.”
The FAA has confirmed the presence of the other boy in the tower, 18-month old Paxton Ratcliff. It was not immediately known if Ratcliff actually had verbal communications with any flight personnel or was merely present in the tower with Sumnerfield. The air traffic controller who ushered the boys into the secure area of the tower has been suspended, pending an investigation by authorities.
E-Trade has made no decision yet on whether or not the two would be dropped from their highly-popular commercial campaign. Said an unidentified spokesperson, “I think the company’s probably going to wait and see how this whole Tiger Woods thing shakes out and go from there. While we certainly don’t condone the actions of these two young men vis-à-vis the nation’s airport security protocols, the importance of the job that the air traffic controllers do and the safety of hundreds of air passengers, at least there were no hookers involved. Well, that we know of yet, I mean……..”
"Ty, dude, I so don't think that's a good idea....."
"C'mon, like, what's the worst that could.........whoa!"
"No, you idiot, I said runway 44, runway 44. Crap, how do you say forty-four in Espanol? Aeromex One-Niner-One, runway cuarenta y cuatro, MUCHO RAPIDO!"
"Yo, Pax, how many planes did I say we had left up in the air?"
"All right, all right, I quit. Jeez, it wasn't that close. I mean, he must have missed that other guy by at least this much........"
Everybody has a blooper reel:
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
“Grande, Vente Or A Box of 130 Grain, Hydra-Schock Jacketed Hollow Points For Your .357?” Guns Come To Starbucks With A Bang
In a move sure to bolster lagging coffee sales, Starbucks has announced that their stores are now “free-fire zones,” meaning that if you have an aversion to being shot, then please take your business elsewhere. Long considered a bastion of snooty liberal elitists, Starbucks has done a complete turnaround and is now catering to pro-gun advocate groups like the Tea Party political tsunami, the N.R.A. and, of course, the Bloods and the Crips, who will undoubtedly give up sucking down hard liquor and cheap wine from paper bags and begin politely sipping iced peppermint white chocolate mochas as they plot turf war drive-bys
"Our new baristas are waiting to serve you."
Sarasota’s Starbucks are adapting to the change, but not without incident. Where once business casual and resort wear were the dominant fashion trends at the local Starbucks, the baggy pants, hoodies and prison tats of local gangs now mingle with the plaid shirts, faded jeans and cowboy hats of the good old boys from Arcadia, as they compare calibers, magazine capacity and the various ammunition choices for their respective firearms.
In an unprecedented display of practicality, the two groups have begun to quietly divide up the area Starbucks to avoid unnecessary bloodshed. All Bradenton Starbucks, naturally, will belong to the street gangs, with the exception of the one in Lakewood Ranch, since nobody goes to Main Street anyway. The Starbucks at the Prime Outlets in Ellenton, as well as the downtown stores and the one in St. Armands will alternate weeks between the two factions, except during season when finding a place to park near those Starbucks is just ridiculous.
The Starbucks in the two area malls, along with the other suburban locations, have been designated as what some are calling “redneck Starbucks.”
The Starbucks in Venice is has not been claimed by either group, since no one wants to go up against their specific clientele of aging WWII veterans, especially now that they are likely to be locked and loaded.
Earlier this week, Gandy Hypoluxo, 38, of the Arcadia Shores Trailer Park, had to receive medical care following an unfortunate incident at the Clark Rd. Starbucks. While demonstrating the importance of gun safety to his 3-year old daughter, his normally-reliable Smith & Wesson 1911 “Respector” somehow misfired (he claims), resulting in a minor flesh wound to Hypoluxo in the foot and effectively ruining a perfectly good pair of K-Mart work boots.
"Oh, hell, Gandy, that don't look so bad........"
"Our new baristas are waiting to serve you."
Sarasota’s Starbucks are adapting to the change, but not without incident. Where once business casual and resort wear were the dominant fashion trends at the local Starbucks, the baggy pants, hoodies and prison tats of local gangs now mingle with the plaid shirts, faded jeans and cowboy hats of the good old boys from Arcadia, as they compare calibers, magazine capacity and the various ammunition choices for their respective firearms.
In an unprecedented display of practicality, the two groups have begun to quietly divide up the area Starbucks to avoid unnecessary bloodshed. All Bradenton Starbucks, naturally, will belong to the street gangs, with the exception of the one in Lakewood Ranch, since nobody goes to Main Street anyway. The Starbucks at the Prime Outlets in Ellenton, as well as the downtown stores and the one in St. Armands will alternate weeks between the two factions, except during season when finding a place to park near those Starbucks is just ridiculous.
The Starbucks in the two area malls, along with the other suburban locations, have been designated as what some are calling “redneck Starbucks.”
The Starbucks in Venice is has not been claimed by either group, since no one wants to go up against their specific clientele of aging WWII veterans, especially now that they are likely to be locked and loaded.
Earlier this week, Gandy Hypoluxo, 38, of the Arcadia Shores Trailer Park, had to receive medical care following an unfortunate incident at the Clark Rd. Starbucks. While demonstrating the importance of gun safety to his 3-year old daughter, his normally-reliable Smith & Wesson 1911 “Respector” somehow misfired (he claims), resulting in a minor flesh wound to Hypoluxo in the foot and effectively ruining a perfectly good pair of K-Mart work boots.
"Oh, hell, Gandy, that don't look so bad........"
"GAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Chilean Earthquake Knocks Earth Off Axis, Miami Now On Equator
NASA Scientists have determined that the recent earthquake in Chile has tilted the Earth off its axis some 33 degrees, placing Miami just about squarely on the Equator and the Florida Keys in the Southern Hemisphere. Mandatory mass evacuations of low-lying areas are being conducted at this time due to the ‘sloshing effect’ of the planet’s sudden new alignment causing massive tsunamis affecting all coastal regions.
Orbiting satellites are now essentially useless as their orbital trajectories no longer correspond to earth’s signaling locations, knocking out communications across the globe. Tectonic plate shifts of this magnitude have never been experienced before in the history of the planet and all their ramifications have yet to be learned.
Polar ice caps have shifted, as well, and have already begun to melt at an alarming rate which will, in a matter of days, begin raising the sea level, placing certain coastal cities in untenable positions, adding to the woes of those regions. One unexpected development has been the uncontrolled flow of vast quantities of crude oil from fissures in the earth’s crust near Sarasota, FL, which had apparently been sitting atop a heretofore unknown oil field of unimaginable proportions.
When asked if the scientific community knew something like this could happen, one unnamed NASA scientist stated, “Clearly, we had no inkling of the impact that the Chilean event until things started happening. We just kind of looked at each other with that deer in the headlight look. We had no idea of exactly what was happening, how long it would last or what the consequences to humanity would be. As far as we were concerned, it was a case of round and round she goes; where she stops, nobody knows. Certainly not us.”
Canadian officials, while pleased that the maritime provinces of New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia are now situated in more temperate climes and likely to see a boost in tourism, they are secretly lamenting the timing of this cataclysmic disaster. Said one identified government official, “If this woulda happened a month ago, we’d a-had snow in Vancouver for the Olympics, eh, now that it’s up there borderin’ on the Arctic Circle.”
Some experts at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, however, are downplaying the magnitude of concern over the displacement of the polar regions, the untold misery of the tidal surges and tsunamis unleashed by the sudden movement of the earth and the countless horrors that await mankind because of the tilting of earth’s axis. “Now that we’re spinning through space wobbling like a wounded duck, we are currently preparing calculations to tell us exactly when we can expect to smash headlong into the Moon or another planet. If, by the some freak of nature, the grace of God or some other reason we don’t, in time we will eventually crash into the Sun and be incinerated. So, our advice to the public at this time would be to not sweat the small stuff like the 1.26 milliseconds added to your day.”
“The good news is that we're all going to be dead before the bank can foreclose on your house now......”
Orbiting satellites are now essentially useless as their orbital trajectories no longer correspond to earth’s signaling locations, knocking out communications across the globe. Tectonic plate shifts of this magnitude have never been experienced before in the history of the planet and all their ramifications have yet to be learned.
Polar ice caps have shifted, as well, and have already begun to melt at an alarming rate which will, in a matter of days, begin raising the sea level, placing certain coastal cities in untenable positions, adding to the woes of those regions. One unexpected development has been the uncontrolled flow of vast quantities of crude oil from fissures in the earth’s crust near Sarasota, FL, which had apparently been sitting atop a heretofore unknown oil field of unimaginable proportions.
When asked if the scientific community knew something like this could happen, one unnamed NASA scientist stated, “Clearly, we had no inkling of the impact that the Chilean event until things started happening. We just kind of looked at each other with that deer in the headlight look. We had no idea of exactly what was happening, how long it would last or what the consequences to humanity would be. As far as we were concerned, it was a case of round and round she goes; where she stops, nobody knows. Certainly not us.”
Canadian officials, while pleased that the maritime provinces of New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia are now situated in more temperate climes and likely to see a boost in tourism, they are secretly lamenting the timing of this cataclysmic disaster. Said one identified government official, “If this woulda happened a month ago, we’d a-had snow in Vancouver for the Olympics, eh, now that it’s up there borderin’ on the Arctic Circle.”
Some experts at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, however, are downplaying the magnitude of concern over the displacement of the polar regions, the untold misery of the tidal surges and tsunamis unleashed by the sudden movement of the earth and the countless horrors that await mankind because of the tilting of earth’s axis. “Now that we’re spinning through space wobbling like a wounded duck, we are currently preparing calculations to tell us exactly when we can expect to smash headlong into the Moon or another planet. If, by the some freak of nature, the grace of God or some other reason we don’t, in time we will eventually crash into the Sun and be incinerated. So, our advice to the public at this time would be to not sweat the small stuff like the 1.26 milliseconds added to your day.”
“The good news is that we're all going to be dead before the bank can foreclose on your house now......”
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sarasota Schools Spend $3.2 Million To Make Video Supporting School Tax Extension
The Sarasota County School Board has admitted spending over three million taxpayer dollars to create a commercial that will air on local television stations urging voters to support the 1-mill public education tax extension. Administrators pooh-poohed critics who were of the opinion that this expenditure was an improper use of education funds.
According to an official statement released this morning by the School Board, it stated: "Pfffftt, like your the boss of us," referring to county taxpayers. "Like every other governmental agency in Sarasota County, the first thing we did was to hire an obscenely-expensive out-of-state educational consultant to tell us what to do. After months of extensive research, the consultant came back to us with a 156-page report that basically told us to do one of two things: either hold a bake sale or put on a show. A couple years ago, we tried a bake sale. All the mothers just went to Publix and bought cookies--didn't even bother to take them out of their original packaging and try to pass them off as homemade. So, no more bake sales."
"We then hired a high-profile Madison Avenue advertising agency. In a couple months, they submitted two commercials with big-name actors. We screened the two ads in our state-of-the-art mega-media theater with stadium seating and Dolby surround sound that we had built in the school board's office complex in the Landings. We all agreed that the Danica Patrick one where she takes off her top was too much like her "Go Daddy" campaign and the other one featuring Dennis Rodman would have had to have been bleeped down to nothing just to get it on the air. The agency offered to make another spot with Quentin Tarantino directing, but they wanted an extra $750,000 on top of the $600,000 we had already paid them."
"One of our educational professionals suggested that, this being Sarasota, we have all the talent we needed to mount a first-class show right here in town. We laughed at her naivete, but figured we had nothing left to lose except the last $1.7 million remaining in the ad budget, so we let her run with it. After a day-and-a-half of planning and 20 minutes or so of rehearsal, we had a commercial that we think will tug at the heartstrings of each and every voter out there and convince them to pass this tax extension."
School administrators were quick to point out the fiscal responsibility demonstrated in the making of the video, noting that the children in the piece weren't paid anything and the teachers involved were happy with "a couple grand apiece." In addition, school board members were thrilled to finally get a chance to use all that top-of-the-line video equipment that they had purchased several years ago from a board member's brother-in-law, but never had occasion to use, so "we saved money there by not having to go out and buy all new stuff."
Responding to critics who cited the involvement of students to make the video, one school board member angrily defended the practice. "Why don't these screwballs just shut their pie holes. We went to college for this stuff. You think we don't know what we're doing; we're professionals, for crying out loud. Every one of those kids who had anything at all to do with completing the video was given an automatic 'A' for all their classes this semester. Think they won't pressure their folks into a 'YES' vote next Tuesday?"
Taking their cue from some of the most successful television ads of all times, the Sarasota County School Board will air their commercial just one time only. While it won't be during the Super Bowl, officials are confident that showing the ad once on Channel 7 during Wheel of Fortune on the day prior to the election will give them the most bang for their buck, citing a recent $125,000 demographic report that they had commissioned, stating the same.
"What we want, you’ve got,
And that’s your vote tomorrow.
If we must, we’ll beg, steal or borrow,
‘Cause we’ve been taught no shame.
So, now make our dreams come true,
Well, well, vote twice to make our dreams come true..... "
No students were harmed in the making of this video. Of course, none of them received much of an education while making the video, either, but, at least, nobody got hurt. And, isn't that what school's really all about anyway........
According to an official statement released this morning by the School Board, it stated: "Pfffftt, like your the boss of us," referring to county taxpayers. "Like every other governmental agency in Sarasota County, the first thing we did was to hire an obscenely-expensive out-of-state educational consultant to tell us what to do. After months of extensive research, the consultant came back to us with a 156-page report that basically told us to do one of two things: either hold a bake sale or put on a show. A couple years ago, we tried a bake sale. All the mothers just went to Publix and bought cookies--didn't even bother to take them out of their original packaging and try to pass them off as homemade. So, no more bake sales."
"We then hired a high-profile Madison Avenue advertising agency. In a couple months, they submitted two commercials with big-name actors. We screened the two ads in our state-of-the-art mega-media theater with stadium seating and Dolby surround sound that we had built in the school board's office complex in the Landings. We all agreed that the Danica Patrick one where she takes off her top was too much like her "Go Daddy" campaign and the other one featuring Dennis Rodman would have had to have been bleeped down to nothing just to get it on the air. The agency offered to make another spot with Quentin Tarantino directing, but they wanted an extra $750,000 on top of the $600,000 we had already paid them."
"One of our educational professionals suggested that, this being Sarasota, we have all the talent we needed to mount a first-class show right here in town. We laughed at her naivete, but figured we had nothing left to lose except the last $1.7 million remaining in the ad budget, so we let her run with it. After a day-and-a-half of planning and 20 minutes or so of rehearsal, we had a commercial that we think will tug at the heartstrings of each and every voter out there and convince them to pass this tax extension."
School administrators were quick to point out the fiscal responsibility demonstrated in the making of the video, noting that the children in the piece weren't paid anything and the teachers involved were happy with "a couple grand apiece." In addition, school board members were thrilled to finally get a chance to use all that top-of-the-line video equipment that they had purchased several years ago from a board member's brother-in-law, but never had occasion to use, so "we saved money there by not having to go out and buy all new stuff."
Responding to critics who cited the involvement of students to make the video, one school board member angrily defended the practice. "Why don't these screwballs just shut their pie holes. We went to college for this stuff. You think we don't know what we're doing; we're professionals, for crying out loud. Every one of those kids who had anything at all to do with completing the video was given an automatic 'A' for all their classes this semester. Think they won't pressure their folks into a 'YES' vote next Tuesday?"
Taking their cue from some of the most successful television ads of all times, the Sarasota County School Board will air their commercial just one time only. While it won't be during the Super Bowl, officials are confident that showing the ad once on Channel 7 during Wheel of Fortune on the day prior to the election will give them the most bang for their buck, citing a recent $125,000 demographic report that they had commissioned, stating the same.
"What we want, you’ve got,
And that’s your vote tomorrow.
If we must, we’ll beg, steal or borrow,
‘Cause we’ve been taught no shame.
So, now make our dreams come true,
Well, well, vote twice to make our dreams come true..... "
No students were harmed in the making of this video. Of course, none of them received much of an education while making the video, either, but, at least, nobody got hurt. And, isn't that what school's really all about anyway........
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
