Jon Gosselin In Talks With Casey Anthony To Co-Star In Reality TV Show

Media darling doofus, Jon Gosselin, is looking for his next payday.

Hard.

With the end of Jon & Kate Plus 8 in sight, his divorce almost final, his girlfriend giving him the boot and Levi "The Son-In-Law From Hell" Johnston dominating all the 'bad boy' headlines, Gosselin has had to take desperate measures.

"I think it was the '80s," he said wistfully. "Rock stars just went too far with their sex, drugs and rock-and-roll personas. They set the bar too high. Then came the rappers, hip-hop and gangsta rap. They turned it into sex, drugs, hip-hop and drive-by shootings."

"How does a short, dumpy wannabe from Reading, PA compete with that? And, all my kids are to the same mother, so that's another strike against me. Fo' shizzle. Do they still say that? Is that still cool to say? God, it's so hard trying to be relevant in this day and age."

"Even ordinary guys are getting a piece of that low-life pie nowadays. Like this guy:

"He shows up hammered for the birth of his kid and on the way into the delivery room he tells the nurse how cute she is and cops a feel. Sweet! So, she gets an attitude, the hospital calls the cops, the cops take him to jail and he misses the birth of his son and now he's the bad guy. Real fair, right? "

"I mean, he only went to the hospital 'cause his old lady is having a baby and she expects him to be there with her for the delivery. Which, in my opinion, is lame to begin with because the guy has already done everything he should be required to do. And going through the delivery with her is no picnic. I oughta know. You think Kate had an attitude on a regular day? Shoulda been there the day those six milk-munchers inside her were all looking for the same exit at the same time."

"That Exorcist chick didn't have anything on old Kate that day....."

"So, yeah, I'm looking for my next project. This Kate Plus Eight thing was OK while it lasted, but, let's face it, Octomom took the legs out from under Kate. We tried the marriage drama route, but it was just jumping the shark. Kate thinks she can do a show without me? Good luck with that, bitch--we've got a contract. And not one of those "'til death do we part' deals either; I'm talking about a real contract!"

"But, yes, I will confirm that my agent has had preliminary discussions with representatives for Casey Anthony, the Anthony family and the State of Florida Penal Board regarding a reality show involving Casey and myself. I mean, she's hot, right? And she's been all over the news for the last year or so. And when her trial comes up, our ratings should go through the roof."

And you should see the way she filled out that Ed Hardy print orange prison jumpsuit we sent her for the screen test."

"Check out the new prison 'tatt' that Casey got. Oh, yeah, dude, I'd ride that......all the way to the bank. Later, Kater."

Report From The Front Lines: Eggos Shortage The Final Straw.......

Date: Nov. 21, 2009
Time: 03:30 hours
Location: Secret Family Bunker
Re: It has begun!

In retrospect, it was the perfect storm; too bad there were so few of us that saw it coming. The doomsday prophecy: 'o'bama,'o'prah and Egg'o's. o-o-o. Stick a feather in their caps and what do you get? 6-6-6. Think about that, America.

Health-care death panels, the Muslim terrorist shootings at Ft. Hood, comrade obama groveling to the Reds in China, socialist sympathizer Oprah starting her own network and, finally, the so-called Eggo shortage.

"Shortage," my ass.

Rush Limbaugh said that obama made a deal in China to force us Americans to eat more Chinese-grown rice instead of regular American food, even for breakfast. And that he wanted Kellogg's, a proud American company, to go bankrupt because their cereals have been keeping American children strong and healthy for decades. What true American hasn't been raised on Sugar Pops, Froot Loops and Tony Tigers?

Then, Glenn Beck said on his program that the Eggo shortage was causing food riots in the grocery stores, just like obama had planned. He said he heard that a soccer mom was killed in a Piggly-Wiggly after snagging the last dozen or so boxes of Eggos when a mob of welfare low-lifes tried to take them from her.

"You can have my Eggos when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers," she cried defiantly.

So, they shot her.

A fine, Christian soccer mom.

And Glenn Beck had tears in his eyes when he told the story.

Sonsabitches.......

Now, Fox News is airing unconfirmed reports from unnamed sources that several cities on the east coast may be in flames from street rioting and obama has possibly ordered the National Guard to stand down and do nothing to stop it. And Mexicans are reliably rumored to be flooding across the California and Texas borders, searching for Eggos.

So the fight between good and evil, right and wrong, is joined. Just as any true American knew it would be when comrade obama stole the election and handed over the country to his Communist Muslim fellow Democrats.

My wife's sister says I'm crazy for taking my family and holing up in our bunker. Then again, this was the same skeptic who said I was "crazy" for teaching the 9-year old twins how to field strip their M-16s and deploy those anti-personnel mines that I got them for Christmas last year.

We have ammunition, beer, food, including a case and a half of Eggos, water, a battery-powered TV for Fox News, our Bible and Sarah Palin's new book. We're all set. Who's the crazy one now, Edna?

I told her not to come banging on our door when the drug-fueled horde comes to loot her house and slaughter her kids looking for frozen waffles.

"Bring it..........."

City Fathers Devise Plan To Oust Bums From Downtown Park or The Beggar's Opera

Sarasota City Commissioners, pressured by downtown business leaders to resolve the noxious presence of transients, the homeless, disease-riddled prostitutes, vagrants, the criminally insane and more than a few former investors with Scoop Management who congregate daily at Five Points Park, brainstormed intensely for more than 4 1/2 minutes at their Weds. night meeting before coming up with the perfect solution--opera music will slay the beast!

Beset by the likes of Luigi Figaro, owner of The Barber of Seville Hair Styling Salon on Main Street, who told the commissioners, "My wife, Carmen, and I are losing business because of the bums panhandling outside my shop."

Other speakers complained about the alcoholics and the homeless hassling the passers-by who wander into the downtown park, whether by soliciting handouts or monopolizing the seating areas or peeing on tourists' shoes.

Suggestions ranged from importing a pack of wild pit bulls to disperse the transients, loading them onto a bus and driving them to a deserted area south of Arcadia, installing 220V electric lines to the metal benches and energizing them randomly, have realtors practice their sales pitches on them, letting the sprinklers run all night or, arguably the most sadistic scheme of the evening, turn loose the Jehovah's Witnesses on them. This plan made everyone in the audience shudder with horror and was quickly dismissed by the cooler heads on the dais.

Don Giovanni, head of the Sarasota Opera, had mixed feelings about the plan. "While I relish the idea of having great arias waft over the park, I'm not sure of the message we're sending by using opera as a sonic deterrent device instead of a pleasureable experience. I guess, however, Sarasota Opera could use the venue for rehearsals, so long as we don't run up against any noise ordinance violations."

City officials also approached the Sarasota Orchestra about performing in the park, thinking that symphonies would also have the same effect on the vagrant population. Joseph McKenna, president and CEO, immediately nixed the idea, as he has "no intention of paying those damn ingrate fiddle players one single dime in overtime pay."

Citing the often hostile tone of the recent contract negotiations, McKenna added, "Maybe a night or two in Five Points with all those drug-addicted, bug-infested, urine-soaked, drooling homosexual psychopaths would help them realize that this year's proposed pay cut might not be so bad after all."

I had my doubts about opera being a deterrent to sleeping off a monumental Mogen-David drunk, so I did a little investigative journalism by downing a quart and a half of Mad Dog 20/20 and washed it down with a goodly amount of rubbing alcohol as a chaser. I felt the bench beneath me start to spin, which I deemed a good sign, and laid my weary head down on my oaken accomodations for the evening, taking care to keep one hand and foot in contact with the ground, lest I spin off into eternity.

Surely, nothing would be able to rouse me from this near-comatose slumber and cause me to part with the smooth painted slats of my resting place this night.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Economic Downturn Forces Galactic Empire To Stick Up Local TJ Maxx Store

The global recession has apparently spread beyond our earthly confines and now affects the entire universe, as evidenced by the attempted robbery of a Venice, FL, clothing store by the Sith Lord himself, Darth Vader, and an accomplice, most likely one of his evil minions.

It was late, very late on Tuesday night--around 9:30 PM (remember we're talking about Venice here, like in "when I retired, I moved to Sarasota to be close to my parents, who live in Venice." Anything after 7:30 PM when "Wheel of Fortune" is over is considered the dead of night. Although "dead" may be an indelicate choice of words when talking about anything related to Venice.)--when the two men burst into the TJ Maxx store. They were reportedly armed, although no one could be sure if they were carrying lightsabers or conventional plasma blasters.

A 17-year old Venice High School senior was at the front door waiting for the last customers to leave. "I thought it was a joke," said the teen.

Honey, when the ruthless supreme commander of the Galactic Empire walks through your doors, it is no joke! Did you not notice the Death Star in the parking lot? Could you not tell it apart from the Buicks and Oldsmobiles?

"I heard, 'Juan, Juan, Juan,'" the Venice High teen said. "Or it could have been, 'Come on, come on, come on.' We couldn't understand them with the Darth Vader masks."

More likely, he was saying, "Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan." Or even, " Obi-Wan once thought as you do. You don't know the power of the Dark Side."

The alarm was sounded, the Venice Police Dept. showed up, Sarasota County Sheriff's deputies showed up, the SWAT team showed up--eventually, unconfirmed reports of a tactical team from the Rebel Alliance even showed up, but the dark lord was nowhere to be found on the premises.

Employee Arielle Burg has worked at the store for three years. Burg, who was off Tuesday night, said that at most, the store would have $12,000 in it, including some money in a safe in back.

I'm surprised she didn't tell the reporters the combination of the safes. Including the one in the back.


Armed men running into a place of business: scary stuff.

Even more scary: this post on the comment forum by the ominously-named "thirteen:"

Nov 18 2009 08:28 AM
i carry a firearm everywhere i go specifically for situations like this. i sure wish for everyone who was held hostage in that store that i happened to be in there that night. could have made sure that was the last time those guys decided to hold up a place.

My name is thirteen and I am the NRA.

Now that's scary.......

Be on the lookout for this man wanted in connection with an attempted robbery. Suspect is approximately 7-feet tall, 250 lbs, speaks with a wheeze but has excellent elocution, may or may not be in the company of Imperial stormtroopers. Believed to be armed; extremely proficient with lightsaber.

A "Welcome Back" Anthem For All Our Snowbirds (and the rest of you--you know who you are.....)

Presented in conjunction with the Close Second Baptist Church of Southeast Nokomis newly-revamped Community Evangelical Outreach and Defensive Driving Program.

See you Sunday! Unless we run into each other sooner.....

Sarah Palin Tells Prodigal Son-In-Law Levi Johnston: "Come For Thanksgiving Dinner." RUN, LEVI, RUN!!

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate, far right-wing conservative darling and bastion of everything red, white and blue, Sarah "Going Rogue" Palin, privately told Oprah (and her millions and millions of rapt viewers) that she wanted runaway son-in-law, Levi "Going Whore" Johnston to join the Palin family for Thanksgiving dinner.

"Because," she said, "he is a part of the family and you want to bring him in the fold and kind of under your wing. And he needs that, too, Oprah. I think he needs to know that he is loved and he has the most beautiful child and this can all work out for good."

And, she'd like the chance to stab him repeatedly about the head and body. And perform a bobbitectomy on him.

Palin went on to tell Oprah, "We don't have to keep going down this road of controversy and drama all the time," she says. "We're not really into the drama. We don't really like that. We're more productive. We have other things to concentrate on." Like her new book, wherein she slams former running mate, John McCain, his staff, CBS anchor, Katie Couric, ABC anchor Charlie Gibson, Levi Johnston's drug-peddling mother and the anonymous photo-shopper who pasted up that picture of her in a star-spangled bikini holding a rifle. "I hate that geeky son of a bitch..........."

Levi, responding from the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas, where he is relaxing after an emotionally and physically grueling nude photo shoot for Playgirl magazine, said that he knew he would be welcomed home by the Palin family and offered the contents of a text message he had recently received from "my baby's hot mama," Bristol, as evidence:

levi babe,

like, so i haven't talked 2 u 4 a while, so whassup, babe? SOS here, babe, except 4 when the little trippster eats peas for dinner, lol. he is so just like his daddy!

anyway, vice-president palin (as she wants 2 b called around the house now) wanted me 2 invite u over for turkey day. i thought, like, she was really, really pissed at u, but i guess she's not. i know she's, like, mad about u 'freeing willie' in playgirl n all. idky, though! i think it's so kewl!

mom says 2 tell u that we're not having dinner (moose again, btw, as if u didn't already know, lol) @ our house since some tv network wants 2 film us 4 a holiday special they r doing. mom says 2 tell u that miley cyrus & vanessa hudgens will b there 2 cause she, like, knows how much u can't resist hot young chicks. like who didn't know that, huh, babe?

also, mom says that we're going to have dinner late--like, around midnight--and that it'll b @ the old, deserted salmon cannery down by the docks, so they can film better, i guess. i know u know where that place is, babe. lol. someday i'll tell little tripp that story. ha!

mom says not 2 tell any1 else so we can keep the reporters away. idky, cause mom's always doing everything she can think of 2 get their attention any other time. lol.

bring your pics from your photo shoot when u come over so my lil sis can check them out. omg, she will be, like, sooooo jealous. maybe we can sneak away up 2 the roof and u can put your 'king salmon' in my 'can' like we did a couple years b4 at that place. only, this time, don't forget to put 'shrink wrap' on that 'salmon' of yours so we don't have another bad 'tripp!' lollollol.

i love u, babe & i know that u were just, like, hanging out with that old bitch kathy griffin cause she was hitting on u and just wanted every1 to see her with u. i don't blame her, babe, cause u r a hottie. even mom used 2 say so.

i always thought that was a lil creepy........

yo baby's mama,

b-tol

Attention, Levi: Just because your mother-in-law does this on television......

........ doesn't mean she doesn't want to kick your ass up through your esophagus and feed it to her huskies for dinner.

RUN, LEVI, RUN!

Hundreds Sickened After Attending Weekend's Orioles Fanfest, Not All Just Because It Was The Orioles

Sarasota area hospitals were inundated over the weekend with hundreds of residents and visitors who had attended the Baltimore Orioles Fanfest on Saturday at Ed Smith Stadium. Their various complaints ranged from respiratory distress, headaches, sore throats, blurred vision and, more curiously, a burning sensation in their lower extremities, although those patients were limited to actual players in an exhibition game and children who had been allowed on to the field to run the bases.

While emergency room physicians were battling the onslaught of those affected, assessing their needs, treating their symptoms, prescribing expensive, non-generic pharmaceuticals from the hottest drug reps, other medical personnel struggled to find and isolate the cause.

It quickly became apparent that virtually 100% of the cases had attended the Baltimore Orioles Fanfest at Ed Smith Stadium to celebrate the O's initial spring training here in Sarasota. Just as quickly, it also became apparent that all those affected were suffering adversely from being exposed to some sort of toxin.

During the negotiations to continue the tradition of spring baseball in Sarasota, the presence of a plume of polluted groundwater was noted, monitored since 1987, that has tainted the soil of the stadium area. This pollution has been traced to a long-since demolished asphalt plant from the 1940s, an era when unenlightened ruthless business concerns pooh-poohed the idea that the Suncoast would suffer any ill effects from their wanton rape of the environment. (Proponents of oil drilling off the coast of Sarasota immediately interjected that comparing this issue with drilling would be like "comparing apples to oranges," neither of which, they admit, would grow in the area if drilling for oil was to commence on the Suncoast.)

By Sunday evening, area hospitals had stabilized most patients and many already had their bills in hand as they were ushered out the door.

Reaction by the Sarasota City Commission was swift and decisive. In an emergency session, they decided to hold a public hearing on the issue sometime in the future, recommended the hiring of an out-of-state consultant and vowed to appoint a citizen's committee to insulate them from any voter backlash by assigning blame to the departed Cincinnati Reds, former occupants of the stadium.

SNN News, while covering the Fanfest, today released video of the exhibition baseball game when the first inkling of trouble was discovered.....