In response to the recent earthquake disaster in Haiti, relief agencies from all over the world are mobilizing efforts to assuage the suffering of the Haitian people. In a heartwarming display of goodwill, international bickering and ideological differences have been put aside to come to the aid of the stricken.
Sarasota's philanthropic community has joined the rescue and relief efforts of the world by promising to send a large number of much-needed experts to get the country back on its collective feet, namely lawyers, real estate professionals, mortgage brokers, developers, investment bankers and politicians.
Said one attorney, "We see an opportunity to help these impoverished people reclaim their lives. We are currently working on a telephone helpline--1-800-Get-Cash--so it will be ready whenever the lazy slugs that are supposed to be repairing the telephones get their act together. We have already instituted legal proceedings against the National Telephone Company of Haiti for not keeping the phone system working during the earthquake. We see a tremendous amount of money to be made for our clients by suing landlords, builders, earthquake forecasters, anybody really who didn't specifically plan for this tragedy."
Real estate team leaders are mobilizing groups of local realtors to fan out in the afflicted areas to buy up distressed and collapsed properties and help the homeless buy new homes in the gated communities that they are expecting to spring up in the surrounding countryside that will overlook the sparkling clear Caribbean waters, with breathtaking views of the picturesque azure bays that are nestled at the foot of the vibrantly-colored gently sloping foothills, reflecting the grandeur of your spacious, well-appointed villa, complete with all the amenities that fine living entails, including integral garage. Pre-construction pricing in effect. NOW IS THE TIME TO BUY!
Suncoast developers are attempting to locate any building department officials left alive to get preliminary approval on their plans to build those subdivisions. Plans call for dozens of condominium-like complexes, a combination of the traditional local shantytowns and neo-Alpine chateaus--'shanteaus'--to be built along existing fault lines, citing the astronomical odds of another earthquake happening in the same place within the next 25 years. "Considering that the average lifespan of a Haitian is only 37.4 years," said one well-known Sarasota developer, "we think that's a pretty good deal. Hell, we don't even build 'em to last that long in the States."
Construction experts expect to offer reasonably-priced housing, yet still make a profit by using the glut of Chinese drywall available on the world's markets for bargain basement prices. "Listen, when you're living in a place with mud floors, no plumbing, no electric, no AC and no windows or doors, do you really think having 'tainted drywall' is going to make you think twice about moving into one of our places?" asked the developer.
Neil and Chris Moody, local investment brokers who are currently under investigation by the SEC for their role in the Art Nadel ponzi scandal, are seeking permission from the courts to travel to Haiti to begin reviving the financial system of the stricken nation. Their attorneys submitted a petition this morning, citing, among other reasons, the Moody's "well-documented largesse and philanthropic activities in the Sarasota community, including, but not limited to, area Ferrari dealerships, Mercedes dealerships, Lexus dealerships, fine wine suppliers, upscale jewelers and various dining establishments throughout the Suncoast." The legal brief also states that "since immediate travel directly to Haiti is prohibitive, the Moodys are prepared to proceed to the banking capitals of Monaco or Geneva and direct their efforts from said location until it becomes feasible to continue on to Haiti. If ever."
Several local politicians are currently enroute to the disaster zone at the behest of the Baltimore Orioles baseball team, who will be holding spring training in Sarasota. The politicians hope to convince Haitian officials that the best use of the influx of cash donations from relief organizations is to build a state-of-the-art baseball complex before addressing other infrastructure concerns such as roads and bridges and ensuring safe drinking water supplies. "Haiti has such a rich baseball heritage," said one county commissioner. "It only makes sense to make this their first priority, as it will provide hundreds of good-paying jobs and the collateral economic impact will be immeasureable. Not to mention that many, many young Haitians are already in America making millions of dollars playing baseball, although their names escape us right now."
Donations to aid in this extraordinary effort are being accepted at Scoop Management on Main Street.