Thursday, January 7, 2010

Sarasota Woman Unhappy With Results Of Taco Bell Diet, Weighs Legal Action

A Sarasota woman is contemplating legal action against a fast-food giant over what she feels are unacceptable results from their ubiquitously-advertised diet program. Inga Thorvald, 26, was excited by the possibility of dropping those 15 lbs. she's wanted to lose since college by simply eating prescribed fare from the Taco Bell drive-thru. She was impressed by the before and after photos of diet spokesperson, Christine Dougherty, and thought that, if Dougherty could lose 54 lbs. on the diet, she would have no problem losing her planned 15 lbs.

Ms. Thorvald began hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru for lunch and dinner, reasoning that eating more of the newly-christened diet food would hasten her weight loss. Not seeing the pounds melt away as quickly as she had imagined, she then began frequenting the drive-thru lane of the fast food outlet as many as 5 times a day. Before long, friends and family noticed a subtle change in Ms. Thorvald, as her craving for cheap Mexican food dispensed from a faceless, soulless drive-thru window began to slowly take over her life.

Friends had tried hiding her car keys, scouring her Siesta Key condo for loose change and, as a last resort, removing the engine from her bright red Saab convertible, but she always managed to find a way back to Taco Bell. Finally an intervention was staged as Ms. Thorvald stood waiting in the drive-thru lane of the Clark Rd. location in the pouring rain one day last week, dressed in only a thin tank top and ragged sweat pants that, at one time, proudly announced, "American Idol: I'm Going To Hollywood" on their seat.

Local interventionist and frequent guest on the Oprah and Dr. Phil television programs, Dr. Alicia B. Sullivanofsky, had her whisked into a waiting van and taken to an undisclosed location for a series of intense mind detoxification and reverse brainwashing sessions, including long periods of listening to nothing but Glenn Beck diatribes and Rush Limbaugh rants, designed to numb the brain into a near-comatose state, at which time it can then be successfully re-programmed.

As her mental recovery progressed, Ms. Thorvald became cognizant of her physical state, leading her to contact legal counsel regarding possible action against the fast food chain. In an ironic turn of events, her attorney is none other than former fast food diet spokesman, Jared Fogle, who earned his law degree after being unceremoniously dumped by his former employer, Subway Sandwich Shops.

Ms. Thorvald's contention is that the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet did, in fact, cause her appearance to change from this.... this, in only 4 1/2 months of eating the psuedo-Mexican fast food sold at the establishment.

Taco Bell had no comment.

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