Friday, January 15, 2010

Limbaugh, Robertson Say No Aid To Haiti, "They Had It Coming...."

Beloved political gadfly, Rush "I Have A Gold Microphone And You Don't" Limbaugh has come out four square against humanitarian aid going to earthquake-ravaged Haiti under the auspices of the United States. Adoring groupies are already selling finely-tailored polo shirts online emblazoned with his now famous quote: "We've already donated to Haiti. It's called the U.S. income tax." Just $39.95. Plus tax. Made in Sri Lanka.

Limbaugh went on to pontificate that, naturally, the earthquake was all Obama's fault, declaring that Obama "...will use it to burnish his credentials with minorities in this country and around the world, and to accuse Republicans of having no compassion." Apparently assuming that the rest of the country is short-sighted, conniving and self-serving. Except that he's so much better at it than everybody else.

Conservatives everywhere immediately fell into lockstep behind der Rush and called for a complete end to aid for Haiti, citing that China has already sent help and that the US shouldn't participate in anything in which "those damn Chinamen" are involved. Tea Party demonstrations are springing up all over the nation, calling for the recall of any material goods or personnel already dispatched to the island nation because, as one matronly patriot from Sarasota, FL, put it, "I don't really know a thing about Haiti, except that Gloria down at the club said that it's somewhere between Cuba and that Hugo Chavez character, so they're most likely Obama Communists anyway, right? And they're, well, you know, black like him, aren't they? So, the hell with them."

There are those who believe that Obama is positioning himself to take over the leadership of a newly-rebuilt Haiti so that when he completes his total dismantling of America and the destruction of all things American, he will relocate to this new American taxpayer-funded Eden, declaring himself its absolute sovereign, the latest in Haiti's long line of "Leaders For Life."

Limbaugh implored his loyal listeners that they should not let this over-hyped bit of unpleasantness in Haiti divert their attention or their financial support for his on-going capital campaign to fund construction of the Rush Limbaugh Memorial Cigar Bar at the West Palm Beach Yacht Club.

Limbaugh was reportedly rushed to an undisclosed hospital this afternoon at the end of his radio broadcast when smoke began billowing from his mouth accompanied by the overpowering odor of brimstone......

Meanwhile, noted televangelist and fellow conservative, Pat "God Has Me On Speed Dial" Robertson, has proclaimed that Haiti's earthquake and subsequent human catasrophe is because of a pact concocted on August 14, 1791 between leaders of the Haitian freedom movement and Satan--yes, that Satan--which resulted in Haiti declaring its independence from France.

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it," Robertson said. "They were under the heel of the French ... and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.'"

"True story," he continued. "And the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another."

It is also believed that, Satan being Satan (see previous story above), also inked a similar secret deal with the French to keep Haiti from becoming independent which, when Haiti followed through on their plans, incensed French leaders to no end, crying le breach of contract. Legend follows that Old Nick summoned the most wretched of his minions from the deepest circle of Hell to provide legal counsel for him, to wit: "Hey, he's the Devil. What'd you expect?" The French immediately surrendered; a tradition that continues unto this very day.

His High Holiness of Hot Air, telling Haiti's desperate souls, "I got your Christian charity right here....."

Not to be outdone, Tiger Woods, desperate for a bit of positive PR, is reportedly going to make a multi-million dollar donation to the relief effort through his recently-formed Tigress Foundation by asking his cadre of cocktail-waitress mistresses to contribute a portion of their tips and other 'earnings' this weekend.

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