In a speech he intends to deliver to Congress and the American people this evening, Obama will call for emergency funding to transport, feed, clothe, house, educate and, of course, supply free medical care like America offers every other indigent on the planet, to the nearly nine million surviors to the Florida Everglades, where they will reside for a period not to exceed 10 years while reconstruction takes place in Haiti. Once that process is complete, the Haitians will then be transported back to their homeland.
Plans are for the new Temporary Haiti to be comprised of all contiguous lands south of Lake Okeechobee, east to I-95 and west to of I-75, excluding, by definition, the Keys and the wealthy enclave of Marco Island. While the land comprises just marginally less area than Haiti itself, administration officials are quick to point out that this arrangement is temporary. Said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "Like they say in Florida, don't make your guest room too comfy or you'll never get rid of your company." We want to be clear that we do not intend for this to be a permanent arrangement with the people of Haiti."
Map of what is to become 'Temporary Haiti.'
When asked about the existing population of the proposed area, Gibbs replied that the million or so people already living there will have to move beyond the boundaries set forth by presidential decree. "To be clear, the United States government is not seizing these lands by eminent domain, but, rather, simply borrowing them for ten years, then they can move back. We realize that the Miccosukee Indian reservation comprises a large part of this parcel, but this country has a time-honored tradition of confiscating land promised to Native Americans. This administration is proud to continue that tradition."
Florida governor, Charlie Crist, sees this as a win-win situation for the state. "Having Haiti relocate to the Everglades will be a boon to the state's economy on many levels. First off, many Floridians will be involved with the transporting of the Haitian people to our state, as well as supplying them with food and clothing until they become self sufficient. In addition, Floridians will be working to rebuild the canals that we recently filled in when the state tried to reinstate the original water flow through the Glades. Now we need to drain all that reclaimed land so our new Haitian neighbors don't have wet feet while they're here."
"Florida residents will also be called upon to build millions of chickee huts for housing our visitors. This type of structure will be the perfect shelter for this operation, as it is environmentally friendly, ecologically sound and essentially temporary. Once the Haitians leave, the huts will blow away in the next hurricane. And, if a hurricane blows them away before they Haitians leave, then Floridians will get paid to build them again!"
"A chickee is a type of home invented by the Northern Seminole tribe. Chickee is the Seminole word for "house". The chickee style of architecture - palmetto thatch over a bald cypress log frame - was born during the early 1800s when Seminole Indians, pursued by U.S. troops, needed fast, disposable shelter while on the run. A raised wooden platform was also built into the sleeping and working chickee to provide cooling and protection from animals, insects, and flooding. Each chickee had its own purpose and together they were organized within a camp type community. Chickees were used for cooking, sleeping and eating." Wikipedia
"I envision one day soon when the vast wasteland prairies of the Everglades will be filled with millions upon millions of chickee huts, teeming with happy Haitians, singing about the wonders of their new homeland, Temporary Haiti."
"Well, it's not like we don't have the room for them or anything. Ever been to the Everglades? Just miles and miles of nothing......." Charlie Crist
When asked about the delicate ecological balance of the area, Gov. Crist said, "If we Floridians couldn't kill the Everglades with rampant development, pollution and the ravages of 'Big Sugar' decimating the land, I don't think having a few million Haitians here for ten years will make that much of a difference. Besides, if we can get the Haitians to view wild python as a cuisine delicacy, there's another problem solved!"
A stunning aerial view of the nothing that surrounds the newly re-named Lake Obama in north central Temporary Haiti.