Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Cub Scout Suspended From School For Carrying A Concealed 'Spork', Vows Revenge; "I'll Give Them A War They Won't Believe"

First grader, Zachary Christie, knows what it's like to be hunted, to be driven to the brink and beyond and he knows what to do about it.

Zack The Knife, as he's known around the John R. Downes Elementary School in Newark, Del., was busted packing a Swiss Army-type combination of fork, spoon, bottle opener and knife by an alert teacher who instantly recognized the lethal device as the weapon of choice favored by the roving bands of Cub Scouts who have been terrorizing this sleepy hamlet for the last several years. Calling for back up, school security and Newark law enforcement cornered the young thug and subdued him after a lengthy struggle.

Released into the custody of his parents, Zachary later learned that he was to be suspended from school for five days and faced a 45-day stretch in reform school. Visibly distraught, the youngster headed for his room and emerged a short time later, sporting a decidedly different look than the button-down Oxford shirt and tie that he had been wearing:

and he had traded in the Cub Scout spork for this:

When his stepfather, Lee Irving, tried to intercept Zachary, the boy shouted, "They drew first blood, not me! They drew first blood! All I wanted to do was eat lunch with my spork!" and let his stepfather know he would not be home for dinner that evening.

The young Christie then went back to his elementary school and raked it with .50-cal. machine gun fire for well over 15 minutes, until the cache of ammunition hidden in his Dora, the Explorer backpack was exhausted

George Evans, president of the Christina school board, rushed to the scene, imploring Zachary to stop his rampage. "Nothing is over!" cried Zachary, "Nothing! You just don't turn it off! This isn't my war! Calling me a juvenile delinquent and all kinds of vile crap! Who are they to accuse me? Who are they? Unless they've been me and been there and know what the hell they're talking about!"

Then, grasping Evans by the throat, young Zachary ripped out the man's windpipe.

A National Rifle Association spokes-shooter said that the organization would not be trying to intercede on Zachary's behalf. "He had a spork. It was dangerous and offensive. It was a clear violation of school policy. Now if he would have taken an assault rifle to school, well, then, that would be a different story, as far as we're concerned....."

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