Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sarasota CSI Cracks "Knife In Sandwich" Case; Community Breathes Sigh Of Relief

A team of highly-trained investigators from the Sarasota Police Department, working relentlessly around the clock to solve the biggest mystery to hit this cosmopolitan city of big dreamers, bigger schemers and the other half of the population which is unemployed, announced today that they are close to making an arrest in the notorious "Switchblade Sandwich" case.

Utilizing state-of-the-art forensic techniques, including DNA profiling, computer-assisted crime reconstruction, metallurgical spectro-chromatic analysis and an intense grilling of colorful waterfront character, "Bayfront Bob," itinerant panhandler and well-respected police stoolie, detectives were able to piece together the shadowy circumstances surrounding this puzzling whodunit.

Police allege that the baker of the bun, sandwich shop worker, Lentini ("Razor Lips") Caltanissetta (photo below), who had just been released from the Florida State Penitentiary for the Criminally Insane, which is located in an undisclosed location deep in the snake-infested swamps of the Everglades, all but admitted to this heinous act.

According to the official police transcript, Caltanissetta told authorities "I wasn't paying no attention to what I was doing, was all. I learned how to bake in the joint and we used to bake stuff in our bread all the time, just for laughs, you know. Shivs, razors, hacksaws--I even baked a 14" pipe wrench in a sourdough baguette once for a guy in Cellblock C for a pack of smokes, you know. Things ain't easy in the joint unless you got friends."

"I guess I was just kinda daydreaming the other day and the knife just kinda ended up in the crusty ciabotta I was making that day. Old habits die hard is all, you know. How's come you guys are making such a big deal outta this? It's not like anybody took a bite out of it and cut off their tonsils or something. Maybe the lady can sell my sandwich on eBay or something, maybe make a few bucks for herself, you know."

Detectives currently consider Mr. Caltanissetta a 'person of interest' and wish to interview him further to determine if he is eligible for the SPD's $400 waiver-signing program. He was reportedly last seen attempting to hitchhike on southbound I-75 near the Fruitville Road interchange, where his was picked up by a white mini-bus carrying senior citizens from the Happyvale Retirement Home.

Please call the Sarasota Police if you have information regarding the whereabouts of Mr. Caltanissetta.

Or the missing driver and eight residents of the Happyvale Retirement Home.

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