Thursday, October 1, 2009

North Port To Get A Seat On Sarasota County Tourist Development Council, Apocalypse To Follow

The City of North Port, FL, the ever-expanding juggernaut that threatens to blot out the sun in the rest of Sarasota County, has bumped Sarasota from the top spot on the Tourist Development Council, kicking Venice to the curb and designating that venerable old tourist mecca as "an ex-officio non-voting seat." Which is political speech for "go sit over there, old timer, and keep your mouth shut."

Yes, that North Port. Sarasota County's very own West Virginia. Where men are men and sheep are scared.

In an area that calls itself "The Suncoast" and prides itself on its beautiful beaches, North Port, both 'coast'-less and 'beach'-less, will now call the shots on how to spend the $10.4 million budget of the Tourist Development Council. God help us all.

In addition to having no beach, North Port has only one (1) lodging spot within its metropolitan boundaries. The Budget Inn. That no-star, no-tell motel that generated 200 police calls last year. The same joint where a teenage boy was found dead from a drug overdose after partying with HIS PARENTS, who abandoned him when he lapsed into a coma. That ought to give the Ritz-Carlton a run for its money. Be sure and ask for the 'Nickolas Block Suite' when you go.

North Port is also famous for its plentiful grow houses, although the owners of same would just as soon forego welcoming visitors, unless they're there to buy the "product."

So what exactly does North Port have to offer in the way of tourism?

Upscale shopping and fine dining...........

Frolicking in the healing waters of the newly-renovated Warm Mineral Springs.........

The proposed relocation of the very avant-garde "Tri-Wall Hockey Stadium" from Lakewood Ranch to North Port, to be used for---------"well, we don't know, we just think it looks cool."

The proposed water sports complex, with "acres of splishy-splashy fun and thrills for the entire family...........

And remember, on Thursdays, it's "Bring Your Pet To The Pool Day"...........
But the piece de resistance is sure to be the recently-approved "Uncle Booger's Mud Bog Multiplex and Shooting Range," where North Port cordially invites you and your family to "get as down and dirty as you want, all for one low price. Plus parking. Plus equipment rental. Plus gas. Plus hose-down service."

Siesta Key Beach, your days are numbered.

Just wait until North Port gets seated on the Sarasota-Manatee Metropolitan Planning Organization and the Tampa Bay Area Regional Transportation Authority after next year's census results.

Surely Armageddon can't be too far behind.

1 comment:

  1. North Port is positioning itself to take advantage of the coming post-legalization boom in marijuana tourism. It already has Warm Mineral Springs. Add a thriving legal marijuana growing industry and Voila! Aching oldsters will flock from all over the world to the (yet to be built) Miracle Cure RV Park & Resort.