Local Humor Columnist, David Grimes, Makes Triumphant Return to Local Newspaper; Subscriptions Soar, Daily Saved!

The blurb announcing the return of the famed writer, raconteur and local bon vivant had all the hallmarks of a 1950's era comedy film:

Calling all you fans of "high-brow humor by sallow faces," the 'Klass Klown of the Kultural Kapital of Florida', Sarasota's own David Grimes is back and funnier than ever! That's right, get ready to wring out the Depends because that irrepressible, irascible, irreverent and, dare we say, irrefrangible idiot savant of the irritable bowel set has returned to inflame the pages of the Herald-Tribune with non-stop laughs!

In a last-ditch effort to save the newspaper from extinction, publisher Diane McFarlin has resurrected the popular humorist.

Literally.

Grimes, who died in early 1994 under suspicious circumstances--the cause of death is listed only as 'drinking accident'--had continued to appear in the Sarasota Herald-Tribune courtesy of a phalanx of comedy writers hired by the paper to write under his byline, among them Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Marcel Marceau, Larry David, Dave Barry, Buck Henry and Dick Cheney.

The newspaper, not ready to relinquish the cash cow they had in Grimes, had his body cryogenically frozen, in the hope that someday he could be revived and his comic genius again would flourish, much to the delight of the stockholders of the paper. Recent medical advances have now made that far-off concept a current-day reality.

Scientists at the Disney/Williams Center for the Preservation of Life in East Kissimmee, FL, have learned how to 'thaw out,' so to speak, the head of David Grimes, while the rest of his body remains frozen. It is reported that the first words his newly-thawed head spontaneously began to spout out were to ask for a beer, prior to launching into some of his most revered--and most hilarious--punchlines:

• "I guess I should have worn pants!"
• "The cops take you more seriously when you wear pants!"
• "The sign just read shirts and shoes--no mention was made of pants!"

and his trademark line:

• "Glasses? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Check. Pants? DAMMIT!!!!!!"

Grimes column is, for now, only appearing in the Sunday edition of the Herald-Tribune, but due to the overwhelming response from his loyal fans, newspaper officials say plans are in the works to, not only have a daily column, but to suspend all hard news reporting altogether, except for the Sunday Michael Saunders section, and have the local paper be 'All David Grimes, all the time.' One local wag pointed out: "considering that, week in and week out, 'there's never been a better time to buy a new home' since the bloodbath of 2006, even as prices continued to plummet, Grimes' humor and the Michael Saunders real estate outlook are both pretty outrageous."

"Pants? DAMMIT!!!"

Welcome back.

"Live, Mr. Grimes----LIVE!!! Speak to me of your pants!!"

Film Icon, Bambi, To Spearhead Charge Against Back-Door Legislation Allowing Guns in National Parks

In response to the recent Credit Card Reform Act allowing concealed weapons to be carried in National Parks (WHAT??), an appeal has been filed in Federal Court to strike down the controversial decision.

Attornies for the anti-gun factions plan on bringing out the big guns to shoot this legislation full of holes, effectively killing it in its tracks. Said one, "We won't stop until this new law is dead and buried. Let this be our warning shot across the bow to the NRA. Our next shot will be right between their eyes."

National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President, Wayne LaPierre, released a statement, effectively telling the opposition to come out shooting. "This new law was passed fair and square, hidden deep in the fine print of a credit card reform bill that no legislator would have dared not to vote for. If those tree-hugging pansies don't like the way real Americans get things done, they can move to Canada."


He continued, "Guns have been part and parcel of our national parks since before they were national parks. If it wasn't for guns, some of our most treasured national parks--Gettysburg, Shiloh, Antietam--wouldn't even be national parks. I would venture to say that even some of the first Americans, other than those heathen redskins, whom we refuse to acknowledge as real Americans, to visit Yosemite and Yellowstone, carried some sort of rudimentary firearm."

Beloved star of children's movies and books, Bambi, is the national spokesdeer for the effort to keep guns out of the nation's parklands. "I know first-hand the evil that guns can cause," she said, referring to the still-unsolved death of her mother, shot and killed by person or persons unknown. "I moved my family into a National Park specifically because we felt safe there. Now that guns are allowed in our forest, I don't know what we'll do or where we'll go."

Bambi spoke at a news conference sponsored by 'Mothers Against Guns,' a grassroots organization hoping to mimic the success of 'Mothers Against Drunk Driving.' When a pundit pointed out that the group's acronym, M.A.G., is predominantly associated with a high velocity handgun ammunition, one unidentified member fired back, "The word 'magnum' is also associated with condoms and champagne. Do you think that makes us fucking drunks?"

No date has been set for the appeals process to begin.

"I believe that's MY picnic table you're sitting at, punk."

Tomorrow's Headlines Today--Sorry, No Lottery Numbers

• Proscenium Developer Portanova, Hammered Over 'Force Majeure' Defense on Loan Default, Now Claims "Dog Ate My Contract"

• Herald-Tribune Publishers Say Reaction To Smaller Size So Successful, They Now Plan To Print Future Editions on 3X5 Cards

• With Python Invasion Looming, Environmentalist Meg Lowman Says County's Only Hope Is "Rampant and Unbridled Development"

• Sarasota History Buffs Win Reprieve For Old Riverview High School, New Building To Be Demolished

• State Dodges Private-Public Beach Controversy, Seizes All Florida Beaches By Eminent Domain, Sells Them To Oil Companies and Tells Landowners and Public To "Fight It Out With Them"

• Sarasota's Katherine Harris Asked To Mediate Text Voting Dispute For 'American Idol,' Praised For Doing "Heck of a Job, Katy" in Resolving 1990 Presidential Election

Supreme Court Nominee, Judge Sonia Sotomayor, Shocks Nation at First Press Conference

President Barack Obama's choice as a replacement for outgoing Supreme Court Justice David Souter is federal appeals judge Sonia Carmella de la Cruz Antonio Santa Maria Augustinia Guadaloupe y Acapulco Chimichanga de la Pollo Sotomayor. If the nomination process for her is anything like her acceptance speech and impromptu news conference, it will be a long road ahead for the first Hispanic to be named to the high court.

Judge Sotomayor opened her remarks with, "When I first got the call, I thought I was being asked to be in a revival of the Supremes singing group. Now that would be cool. But when I found out they just wanted me to be on the Supreme Court, I was a little disappointed but still said OK."

She caused quite a stir when she introduced her family to the media, who were more than willing to pose for the cameras.















The news conference ended when an AP reporter asked Sotomayor about her qualifications to be on the Supreme Court.

Visibly irratated at the question, she literally snarled, "Qualifications? Qualifications?? I don't got to show you no stinkin' qualifications....."

Meg Lowman, Sarasota's Orchid Queen, Reported Missing

The Sarasota County Sheriff's Dept. is asking for the public's help in trying to find noted conservationist, Meg Lowman, after she was reported missing..

'Canopy Meg' as she is known locally, is also known in some circles as 'Meg, Meg, Bo-Beg, Banana-Fana, Fo-Feg, Fee-Fi-Mo-Meg, Meg.'

Detectives found suspicious footprints on the beach near where the dedicated environmentalist's abandoned kayak was found.

Said one ex-Selby Garden employee who asked not to be named, "That Meg really really had a wild streak in her, alright, but I don't blame her. All those days and nights sitting in some jungle somewhere, looking for flowers. It's enough to make anybody a little crazy, I guess."

Detectives in the case have questioned co-workers but have gotten scant leads. Said one, "Ms. Lowman was constantly living life on the edge. There's all kinds of strange creatures living in those jungles. Who's to say Bigfoot or Yeti don't really exist? Who's to say Ms. Lowman didn't find one? Who's to say it didn't follow her home to Sarasota?"

An unidentified relative at the Lowman home, when shown the evidence, said, " After her last trip to the Amazon, I did notice that she was in a much better mood than usual. And judging by the size of those footprints on the beach, I'm not surprised. You know what they say about men with big feet........."

Open Letter To Dr. Beach Re: Your #2 Ranking of Siesta Key Beach

My dear Dr. Stephen Leatherman, aka "Dr. Beach,"

Please be advised that our Siesta Key Public Beach WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE for inclusion in your 2010 so-called 'Top Ten' beach rankings.

Oh, it's not what you think. Actually, we citizens of Sarasota County don't really care if we were rated #2 instead of being in first place because we all know that #1 is where God wants us to be. We can only assume you were either unduly influenced by or are attempting to curry favor with our new president, Barack Obama, as Hawaii is, after all, his home state. (If Rahm Emanuel has kidnapped one of your children and has threatened to eat him or her with fava beans unless a Hawaiian beach was listed as #1, we sincerely hope that he or she has been released uneaten and unharmed.)

No, Doctor, by this time next year, you and the rest of your common-folk cronies won't even be allowed to set foot on Siesta Key PRIVATE Beach. Our beautiful beach is going to become one of the most exclusive spots on earth, more exclusive than St. Tropez or Musha Cay or even Ed Smith Stadium. Our little crescent slice of heaven will be for the private use of the residents of Sarasota County only.

How can we pull this off, you ask?

M-O-N-E-Y!!!!

Once we start drilling for oil 3 miles off our sandy shores, we have been assured by not only oil company executives, but Sarasota's own Rich Swier as well that we will be awash in the stuff. Why, experts predict that we will literally be swimming in petroleum products!

We'll be raking in the profits so fast that no resident of Sarasota County will ever have to work again. We'll all live in mansions, drive Hummers (miles-per-gallon restrictions--HA!) and import workers from surrounding counties WITHOUT OIL WELLS to serve our every whim, while we just sit back and wait for our big, fat weekly check from the oil company.

And did I happen to mention that we'll be saving America from the clutches of those rag-headed foreign oil cartels? Just how important to the country do you think your crappy little list is?

So, Dr. Sand-in-your-shoes, think we'll care if we're ever rated in your bogus 'Top Ten' list again? Well, you can have your people call our people, but our people will have instructions to NEVER call anybody back.

Drill, baby, drill.

Relax, Sierra Club; we can buy more--we're LOADED!

City of Venice Negotiates End To Tense Standoff Between Irate Citizens and Ice Cream Truck Driver

The City Council of Venice has announced that it has successfully brokered a tentative peace treaty between city residents and Mario Stillo, ice cream vendor.

Residents living in this predominantly senior-aged sleepy little seaside village, seething over what they had deemed as a lack of action by their city leaders, had commandeered the ice cream truck, torched it and kidnapped the driver, threatening to behead him if their demands to ban him from their peaceful streets were not met. Hostage negotiating teams from the Sarasota County Sheriff's Dept. were on scene, trying to free Mr. Stillo or, at least, ensure his safety for the time being.

The Venice residents involved in the violence, all of whom are well over 80 years old, have long objected to the presence of the ice cream truck. Said one geriatic guerilla, wearing WWII battle fatigues and an old Gene Autry bandanna over his face, said, "We didn't want this to happen. We warned Stillo to stay out of our town. We don't eat ice cream, we don't have any kids who eat ice cream, we don't want to attract any kids who might eat ice cream and we hate that goddamn music he plays, over and over and over. Even with our hearing aids turned off, once it gets in your head, it just won't stop."

In an emergency meeting of the city council, new guidelines were drawn up and hastily enacted into law to assuage the residents holding Mr. Stillo, who threatened to "descend upon downtown in a stampede of golf carts and late-model Buicks and wreak havoc, the likes of which this town has never seen," according to a written statement from the kidnappers.

The new rules for Mr. Stillo's ice cream truck include:

1. Sales hours to be terminated no later than 7:30 PM. Residents have returned home from the early-bird specials, Wheel of Fortune is over and it is bedtime for all decent folk.
2. Ice cream truck to be painted an approved shade of beige, instead of its current garish Neopolitan red, white and brown, so as to not attract as much attention.
3. Vendor will offer only stewed prunes, stewed tomatoes, stewed green beans, stewed okra and one other 'stewed' weekly special.
4. Ice cream is to be limited to small cones of sugar-free vanilla only.
5. Music played by vendor to be limited to approved playlist consisting only of artists Lawrence Welk (with the exception of polkas, which are deemed to be too 'snappy') and Montovani.
6. Absolutely NO sales to minors under the age of 40, unless accompanied by an 'adult' over 75.

Upon agreeing to the terms, a disheveled and visibly shaken Mario Stillo was taken to Bon Secours Hospital for treatment of his injuries, which did not appear to be life threatening. He had no immediate comment.



Residents of Venice ask, "Would you want this sordid scene to be played out in your neighborhood?"

Sarasota County Inks Surprise 11th Hour Stadium Deal With Dark Horse Team

Sarasota County Commissioners stunned reporters at a hastily called news conference this morning by announcing that they had finalized a deal with the stars of silver screen and television, the Bad News Bears. Organized in 1976 in the North Valley, CA, Little League, the travails of the team of misfits were recorded on film and won the hearts of underdogs everywhere, spawning two sequels, a television series and a 2005 remake.

Commissioner Shannon Staub gushed, "We were absolutely thrilled when the team owners, Chico's Bail Bonds, approached us about playing here in Sarasota. It was like catching a 'hail Mary' pass to score a sudden-death, slap-shot overtime goal in the bottom of the 9th period with nothing but net. We were ecstatic!" It was also announced that Chico's Bail Bonds will open an office in downtown Sarasota concurrent with arrival of the team.

Commissioner Joe Barbetta, an on again, off again proponent of baseball at Ed Smith Stadium, said, "This is a "can't lose" proposition. The Bears have proven their staying power since 1975. They have a strong fan base and a great tradition of being lovable losers turning into winners. I think this Commission could learn a lot from them--we've got the 'loser' part down pretty good, we just need to work on the 'winner' part. And the 'lovable' part, too. We're not so lovable, either."

Commissioner Kelly Kirschner chimed in, "And I bet they'll need a world-class parking garage, too, won't they? Am I right? Won't they?"

Officials are already exploring using the Bears as the focus of next years Sarasota Film Festival. Signing the pact with the Bears was the last official act of Jody Kielbasa, the founding executive director of the Sarasota Film Festival, before taking a similar position in Virginia. Said Kielbasa, "I am proud to leave Sarasota with this legacy of filmmaking excellence. The nuances of these films, these stories, these directors, these artists, are timeless and beyond the capabilities of everyone but the most discerning and sophisticated students of cinema to comprehend."

The Bad News Bears celebrate their impending move to Sarasota with underage drinking, foul language, poor sportsmanship and an unprovoked brawl. Commissioners, you have done the county proud!!

New Indian Truck Dealer To Open In Sarasota; Diesel Model Gets 30 Miles Per Gallon, Seats 128 Adults Comfortably

Mahindra & Mahindra Ltd., based in Mumbai, India, will soon be opening a dealership here in Sarasota. Pawan Goenka, president of the automotive sector for the Indian automaker, cautions that "individual's mileage and capacity may vary, dependent on driving habits, traffic conditions and number of cows in the road."

Casey Anthony Threatens Lawsuit; Complains That Authorities Kept Her From Getting Mother's Day Presents, Visits

Accused killer mom, Casey Anthony, has charged that officials of the Orange County lock-up deprived her of receiving any Mother's Day gifts or visitations.

"I can't believe the gall of those people," Anthony complained. "Like, it's Mother's Day and, like, I didn't get one present---not even, like, a card or a phone call. Like, what's up with that? I mean, not even one hot guy showed up to see me. I'm a Mom, you know. Shouldn't somebody have, like, taken me out to dinner or a strip club or something? I mean, like, this is bullshit. I just can't believe, like, the way I'm being treated, while the real killer, that babysitter whose, like, name escapes me at the moment, is, like, probably out partying."

The Orange County Sheriff's Dept. has officially denied withholding any "gifts, visitations, written correspondence or telephone conversations on Mother's Day or any other day for Inmate 8778988."

Said one unidentified deputy, "I don't get her beef. She ain't exactly a poster girl for a Hallmark moment, you know?"


"Like, Mother's Day dinner was beans and wienies--again. Isn't that, like, cruel and unusual punishment?"

NASA Accidentally Launches Unmanned Back-Up 'Endeavour' To Hubble Telescope Instead of Intended 'Atlantis.'

Due to the high level of danger inherent in the mission to repair the Hubble Space Telescope by the space shuttle Atlantis, the space shuttle Endeavour was also prepped for launch, should a
rescue mission have to be mounted for the crew of the Atlantis. Endeavour stood atop Launch Pad 39B, while about 1.6 miles away, Atlantis rested upon Launch Pad 39A.

Early Monday morning, the 7 astronauts made their way onto Atlantis to prepare for the lift-off of Space Shuttle Mission STS-125. Weather conditions were adequate for launch and the countdown went off without a hitch.

But when the Mission Control clock read "0:00" at 2:01 PM EDT, nothing happened.

Nothing happened at Launch Pad 39A, that is.

Over at Launch Pad 39B, the giant rocket engines rumbled to life and propelled the unmanned rescue ship Endeavour into space, much to the consternation of everyone associated with the mission.

"Greg (Johnson) was looking out his starboard window and saw the flash," said flight commander, Scott Altman. "We all just kind of looked at each other for a second after the countdown was completed, then we heard a far-off rumble, instead of the teeth-chattering, eyeball-popping roar of lift-off."

It soon became apparent to everyone on the scene that someone pushed the wrong launch button--39B, instead of the correct 39A.

"I have to tell you, no one was more surprised than me when Atlantis just sat there and we heard the noise off to our left," admitted Mission Control's Dr. Nancijean von Hycner. a step-niece of rocket pioneer, Dr. Werner von Braun. "Somebody said 'There goes Endeavour' and, sure enough, there it went. Talk about your 'oh, shit' moments....."

"We aren't sure yet if the wrong button was pushed or if there was a mix up in the wiring to the button. Right now, we're still trying to figure out what the hell we're going to do. We've got seven highly-trained astronauts getting paid for sitting on their duffs on Earth and a runaway space craft loose in the cosmos, that's all."

Concluded von Hycner, "We'll think of something; we always do. We can shoot the Atlantis in the next couple days, fix the telescope and pretend like nothing ever happened and then maybe ask the guys on the International Space Station to grab onto Endeavour as it flies by. We'll find some poor low-level technician we can blame all this on and fire him. Given the recent brouhaha with that photo shoot of Air Force One over the Statue of Liberty, I just hope Endeavour doesn't decide to make a pass over Manhattan before we can come up with a plan."

North Port Re-Branding Consultant Shows Video For Other City That Is Already Reaping Rewards

The North Port City Commissioners were given an advanced screening of a promotional video for another American city struggling with its image. Zgoda Marketing, producers of the video and charged with 're-branding' the City of North Port, played the video to a rapt commission, who praised its content, production values and overall danceability.

The City of Cleveland's Visitor Bureau had commissioned the work and, according to Zgoda Marketing representatives, are "absolutely thrilled" with the resulting video, which has already garnered significant buzz in Chamber of Commerce circles throughout the country.

Said Commissioner Virginia Carusone, "We commissioners have been second-guessed by the people of North Port for spending a great deal of their taxpayer money on this project. I am absolutely confident we will be receiving a promo for our city that is equal to, or even better than, the one shown here tonight for Cleveland. When our residents see this video, they, too, will be reassured that their hard-earned money has been well spent."


Fellow Commissioner, Michael Treubert, was somewhat less effusive. "The video's OK, if you like that kind of stuff. Now if you want to see something that will really get your motor revving, let me show you the one I showed to my law enforcement class a couple months ago......."

Tampa Residents Meet To Complain About Gasparilla Pirate Invasion, Request Federal Intervention To Block Brigands

Tampa residents met with city and county officials yesterday to voice their concerns over what has become an annual invasion of legions of scurvey pirates, which, coincidentally, takes place every year on the same Saturday in February.

Those people living along Bayshore Drive are especially incensed over the drunken debauchery that takes place when the buccaneers storm ashore, including public urination on their manicured lawns. Said one resident, who declined to be identified, "It's only a matter of time before this goes beyond someone's lawn. It's only a matter of time before some poor soul gets their head lopped off with a rusty cutlass and the filthy beggar pisses down their throat. What part of 'THEY'RE PIRATES' don't you people understand??"

City officials expressed concern over trying to repel the invaders. A spokesperson for Mayor Pam Iorio said in a written statement, "So far, the pirates come just one day a year, do some minor looting, pillaging and plundering and then leave for another year. What happens if we make them angry and they come and stay? It's not like anybody's ever gotten killed. Moreover, it's become quite a tourist attraction when they storm ashore and, in this economy, anything that generates business has to be looked at with an open mind."

The Hillsborough County Sheriff's Dept. suggested that Bayshore residents put up their hurricane shutters during the invasion and hunker down inside while the cutthroats roam the streets.

Unappeased, the irate residents said they will appeal to the federal government. Spokesperson Angelica Topton Virginville vowed, "We are tired of hearing from city leaders who say, 'Oh, well, it's just pirates being pirates.' We intend to ask President Obama to send a contingent of Navy Seals to Tampa next year to help put an end the desecration of our lawns."

Sarasota Man To Be Questioned In Death Of Julius Caesar

Roman authorities have expressed interest in the trial of Sarasota murder suspect, Elton Murphy, in connection with the March 15, 44 B.C., murder of Gaius Julius Caesar, the Pontifex Maximus of Rome.

During Murphy's trial for the horrific murder of art gallery owner, Joyce Wishart, his defense attorneys have angled for an insanity plea, citing the defendant's multiple personalities, one of which is "The Lord God Elton Brutus Murphy," who has a DNA link to God and thousands of followers. These claims are questionable, however, since both God and his followers have been noticeably absent from his trial.

Murphy also claims to have participated in the assassination of the Roman emperor Caesar. While offically a 'closed case,' Roman authorities feel that Murphy may have specific knowledge of the crime scene, making him a "person of interest."

The Republic of Rome has sent two centurions to Sarasota to question the suspect. Police investigator, Sgt. Josephus Fridaycus, told reporters outside the courthouse today, "While we know that Caesar was stabbed to death by members of the Roman Senate, we hope Mr. Murphy will be able to shed some light on just exactly who the ringleaders were. Conventional wisdom has always pointed to Tillius Cimber and Servilius Casca, with Marcus Junius Brutus in a lesser role. Tabloid writer, William Shakespeare, was the one who cast Brutus in a more central role, catapaulting him to fame. We just want the facts, ma'am."

"Et tu, rabidus vir?"

Manatee County Man To Produce 'Healthy Chocolate'; World's Drug Cartels Crumble

World-renowned physicist, Aharon Friedman, who is beginning production of his 'healthy chocolate' in Manatee County, has single-handedly accomplished what years of feverish governmental effort and millions of tax dollars could not: disembowel the illegal drug trade.

Said one soon-to-be former North Trail cocaine dealer, "How the hell do I compete with 'healthy chocolate?' All my steady customers are giving up blow for this new shit. What do I do now--apply for a bailout?"

Harvard economist, Dr. Chalfont Bedminster, states simply, "Quite frankly, this changes everything. Drug traffickers have stopped shooting up US-Mexican border towns, the economies of Columbia, Panama and other coca-producing countries are collapsing and the incredible profits reaped by the Taliban from the poppy fields of Afghanistan have suddenly dried up, effectively putting those terrorists out of business."

'Healthy chocolate' has been proven to:

• prevent cavities,
• cure diabetes,
• cure osteoporosis,
• prevent ear and upper respiratory infections,
• prevent Candida yeast infections,
• cure athlete's foot,
• is beneficial to pregnant or nursing women.

Leading demographers foresee a precipitous drop in the world birth rate, as well.

We Got What You Need

Headache?

Fever?

Cough?

Congestion?

Craving for bacon?

Take two and call me in the morning......

Thanks, Bag of Nothing

Red County's Rich "I'm 92% More Self-Righteous Than You" Swier Speaks On Local TV On Behalf Of Off-Shore Drilling, Becomes Compelling Argument AGAINST

Hear that sound? That's the current Republican Party's death wheeze.

The party of Rove, Limbaugh, Cheney and the rest of their ilk is dying and will, hopefully, be reinvented as a more user-friendly, inclusive political party. I hope some moderate Republican is looking over the stern and into the jaws of obsolescence , saying, "We need a bigger boat." You need a bigger tent to win elections, boys; not bigger dirty tricks, threats and bullying.

Or innuendo. Like this masterpiece from Rep. Michele Bachmann from Minnesota, who slyly observed: "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out, then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence."

Well, I for one am glad that she's magnanimous enough to not actually blame it on the Democrats, esp. since the outbreak began in February, 1976, when Republican Gerald Ford was president.

Pres. Gerald Ford being vaccinated against swine flu by Dr. William Lukash in 1976.

Arlen Specter saw the writing on the wall and bailed. Republicans are rapidly becoming unelectable.

Local sultan of smug and right-wing Republican extraordinaire, Rich Swier, somehow became the voice of the pro-drilling faction on a news piece on WWSB-TV Channel 7 this past week. When he was done sticking his foot in his big mouth, he personified everything that is wrong with the current Republican party.

In regards to the proposal to build oil rigs 3-10 miles off the coast instead of the previously-discussed 125-150 miles offshore, Swier, oozing empathy, said, "It will be a spot on the horizon, you won't even notice it. Give me a break, it's bunk. You being able to look out there and see an oil rig. You know what, if you don't like that, then move. Look in another direction. How about that?"

"I'm more interested in my son and my grandchildren having a prosperous state of Florida with tremendous business opportunities."

"Yes, Junior, some day this will all be yours....."