Thursday, May 28, 2009

Film Icon, Bambi, To Spearhead Charge Against Back-Door Legislation Allowing Guns in National Parks

In response to the recent Credit Card Reform Act allowing concealed weapons to be carried in National Parks (WHAT??), an appeal has been filed in Federal Court to strike down the controversial decision.

Attornies for the anti-gun factions plan on bringing out the big guns to shoot this legislation full of holes, effectively killing it in its tracks. Said one, "We won't stop until this new law is dead and buried. Let this be our warning shot across the bow to the NRA. Our next shot will be right between their eyes."

National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President, Wayne LaPierre, released a statement, effectively telling the opposition to come out shooting. "This new law was passed fair and square, hidden deep in the fine print of a credit card reform bill that no legislator would have dared not to vote for. If those tree-hugging pansies don't like the way real Americans get things done, they can move to Canada."

He continued, "Guns have been part and parcel of our national parks since before they were national parks. If it wasn't for guns, some of our most treasured national parks--Gettysburg, Shiloh, Antietam--wouldn't even be national parks. I would venture to say that even some of the first Americans, other than those heathen redskins, whom we refuse to acknowledge as real Americans, to visit Yosemite and Yellowstone, carried some sort of rudimentary firearm."

Beloved star of children's movies and books, Bambi, is the national spokesdeer for the effort to keep guns out of the nation's parklands. "I know first-hand the evil that guns can cause," she said, referring to the still-unsolved death of her mother, shot and killed by person or persons unknown. "I moved my family into a National Park specifically because we felt safe there. Now that guns are allowed in our forest, I don't know what we'll do or where we'll go."

Bambi spoke at a news conference sponsored by 'Mothers Against Guns,' a grassroots organization hoping to mimic the success of 'Mothers Against Drunk Driving.' When a pundit pointed out that the group's acronym, M.A.G., is predominantly associated with a high velocity handgun ammunition, one unidentified member fired back, "The word 'magnum' is also associated with condoms and champagne. Do you think that makes us fucking drunks?"

No date has been set for the appeals process to begin.

"I believe that's MY picnic table you're sitting at, punk."

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