Friday, May 22, 2009

Open Letter To Dr. Beach Re: Your #2 Ranking of Siesta Key Beach

My dear Dr. Stephen Leatherman, aka "Dr. Beach,"

Please be advised that our Siesta Key Public Beach WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE for inclusion in your 2010 so-called 'Top Ten' beach rankings.

Oh, it's not what you think. Actually, we citizens of Sarasota County don't really care if we were rated #2 instead of being in first place because we all know that #1 is where God wants us to be. We can only assume you were either unduly influenced by or are attempting to curry favor with our new president, Barack Obama, as Hawaii is, after all, his home state. (If Rahm Emanuel has kidnapped one of your children and has threatened to eat him or her with fava beans unless a Hawaiian beach was listed as #1, we sincerely hope that he or she has been released uneaten and unharmed.)

No, Doctor, by this time next year, you and the rest of your common-folk cronies won't even be allowed to set foot on Siesta Key PRIVATE Beach. Our beautiful beach is going to become one of the most exclusive spots on earth, more exclusive than St. Tropez or Musha Cay or even Ed Smith Stadium. Our little crescent slice of heaven will be for the private use of the residents of Sarasota County only.

How can we pull this off, you ask?


Once we start drilling for oil 3 miles off our sandy shores, we have been assured by not only oil company executives, but Sarasota's own Rich Swier as well that we will be awash in the stuff. Why, experts predict that we will literally be swimming in petroleum products!

We'll be raking in the profits so fast that no resident of Sarasota County will ever have to work again. We'll all live in mansions, drive Hummers (miles-per-gallon restrictions--HA!) and import workers from surrounding counties WITHOUT OIL WELLS to serve our every whim, while we just sit back and wait for our big, fat weekly check from the oil company.

And did I happen to mention that we'll be saving America from the clutches of those rag-headed foreign oil cartels? Just how important to the country do you think your crappy little list is?

So, Dr. Sand-in-your-shoes, think we'll care if we're ever rated in your bogus 'Top Ten' list again? Well, you can have your people call our people, but our people will have instructions to NEVER call anybody back.

Drill, baby, drill.

Relax, Sierra Club; we can buy more--we're LOADED!

1 comment:

  1. L.
    Interesting point of view.

    You could be governor if you could pull this off.