Sunday, May 31, 2009

Local Humor Columnist, David Grimes, Makes Triumphant Return to Local Newspaper; Subscriptions Soar, Daily Saved!

The blurb announcing the return of the famed writer, raconteur and local bon vivant had all the hallmarks of a 1950's era comedy film:

Calling all you fans of "high-brow humor by sallow faces," the 'Klass Klown of the Kultural Kapital of Florida', Sarasota's own David Grimes is back and funnier than ever! That's right, get ready to wring out the Depends because that irrepressible, irascible, irreverent and, dare we say, irrefrangible idiot savant of the irritable bowel set has returned to inflame the pages of the Herald-Tribune with non-stop laughs!

In a last-ditch effort to save the newspaper from extinction, publisher Diane McFarlin has resurrected the popular humorist.


Grimes, who died in early 1994 under suspicious circumstances--the cause of death is listed only as 'drinking accident'--had continued to appear in the Sarasota Herald-Tribune courtesy of a phalanx of comedy writers hired by the paper to write under his byline, among them Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Marcel Marceau, Larry David, Dave Barry, Buck Henry and Dick Cheney.

The newspaper, not ready to relinquish the cash cow they had in Grimes, had his body cryogenically frozen, in the hope that someday he could be revived and his comic genius again would flourish, much to the delight of the stockholders of the paper. Recent medical advances have now made that far-off concept a current-day reality.

Scientists at the Disney/Williams Center for the Preservation of Life in East Kissimmee, FL, have learned how to 'thaw out,' so to speak, the head of David Grimes, while the rest of his body remains frozen. It is reported that the first words his newly-thawed head spontaneously began to spout out were to ask for a beer, prior to launching into some of his most revered--and most hilarious--punchlines:

  • "I guess I should have worn pants!"
  • "The cops take you more seriously when you wear pants!"
  • "The sign just read shirts and shoes--no mention was made of pants!"

and his trademark line:

  • "Glasses? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Check. Pants? DAMMIT!!!!!!"

Grimes column is, for now, only appearing in the Sunday edition of the Herald-Tribune, but due to the overwhelming response from his loyal fans, newspaper officials say plans are in the works to, not only have a daily column, but to suspend all hard news reporting altogether, except for the Sunday Michael Saunders section, and have the local paper be 'All David Grimes, all the time.' One local wag pointed out: "considering that, week in and week out, 'there's never been a better time to buy a new home' since the bloodbath of 2006, even as prices continued to plummet, Grimes' humor and the Michael Saunders real estate outlook are both pretty outrageous."

"Pants? DAMMIT!!!"

Welcome back.

"Live, Mr. Grimes----LIVE!!! Speak to me of your pants!!"