Sarasota County Commissioners stunned reporters at a hastily called news conference this morning by announcing that they had finalized a deal with the stars of silver screen and television, the Bad News Bears. Organized in 1976 in the North Valley, CA, Little League, the travails of the team of misfits were recorded on film and won the hearts of underdogs everywhere, spawning two sequels, a television series and a 2005 remake.
Commissioner Shannon Staub gushed, "We were absolutely thrilled when the team owners, Chico's Bail Bonds, approached us about playing here in Sarasota. It was like catching a 'hail Mary' pass to score a sudden-death, slap-shot overtime goal in the bottom of the 9th period with nothing but net. We were ecstatic!" It was also announced that Chico's Bail Bonds will open an office in downtown Sarasota concurrent with arrival of the team.
Commissioner Joe Barbetta, an on again, off again proponent of baseball at Ed Smith Stadium, said, "This is a "can't lose" proposition. The Bears have proven their staying power since 1975. They have a strong fan base and a great tradition of being lovable losers turning into winners. I think this Commission could learn a lot from them--we've got the 'loser' part down pretty good, we just need to work on the 'winner' part. And the 'lovable' part, too. We're not so lovable, either."
Commissioner Kelly Kirschner chimed in, "And I bet they'll need a world-class parking garage, too, won't they? Am I right? Won't they?"
Officials are already exploring using the Bears as the focus of next years Sarasota Film Festival. Signing the pact with the Bears was the last official act of Jody Kielbasa, the founding executive director of the Sarasota Film Festival, before taking a similar position in Virginia. Said Kielbasa, "I am proud to leave Sarasota with this legacy of filmmaking excellence. The nuances of these films, these stories, these directors, these artists, are timeless and beyond the capabilities of everyone but the most discerning and sophisticated students of cinema to comprehend."
The Bad News Bears celebrate their impending move to Sarasota with underage drinking, foul language, poor sportsmanship and an unprovoked brawl. Commissioners, you have done the county proud!!