Friday, March 6, 2009

Crist's Controversial Stimulus for Florida Revealed

Governor Charlie Crist announced a bold new plan to get cash into the hands of Floridians.

"With our natural abundance of senior citizens, the institution of this new program is a real "no-brainer," he crowed. "By severely reducing the number of elderly Floridians, we ease the drain on already over-burdened government services, the cost savings to our citizens who have an elderly family member to care for is immediate and ordinary Floridians will finally be able to get into the early-bird specials at restaurants--and have the money to pay for it."

"If Florida is to be part of the New World Order as envisioned by Pres. Obama, Rahm Emanuel and other forward thinking visionaries, then we must embrace it fully," the Governor continued, his eyes glazing over and drool spilling from the right side of his quivering lips.

White House sources indicate that Pres. Obama has, in fact, already 'redeemed' his live-in mother-in-law, Marian Robinson. Said one anonymous staffer, "The President didn't mind having the old battle-axe around to watch the girls while he and Michelle were out on the campaign trail, but now that they're settled into the White House and the girls are in school, her role become superfluous. Mrs. Obama resisted the idea at first, but when the President told her that she could use the money for new shoes, she jumped at the chance."

Junior members of Congress are said to be looking at some older members of the Senate, like Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd, to determine their value in this program. With Kennedy's recent knighthood, experts predict that his redemption price on the open market should skyrocket, albeit briefly, as his death would cause his value to plummet.

Human rights advocates here in Florida appear resigned to the new plan. Said one, "Economic downturns always generate these kinds of propositions, even as far back as the early 1700s, when the Irish sold their children for food. It's a sign of the times, I'm afraid. I just hope we don't run out of old people before the economy turns around."

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