Florida Senator Moooves To Say Neigh To A Panhandle Tradition. Oh, It's Baaaaaaad.

Apparently, the Sunshine State is awash in, ummm, those who would use animals in a decidedly non-traditional manner or non-traditional, at least, for most of the civilized world, which we have to realize that the Panhandle ain't. Non-traditional like, let's say, for sex.

Yes, we Floridians have a penchant for porking pigs, hosing horses, mounting moo-ers, screwing sheep and, especially, gang-banging goats. You boys in Mossy Head know what I'm talking about.....

State Senator Nan Rich is shepherding a bill through the legislature that would ban bestiality in our state. The good senator maintains a "thick folder containing news clippings of cases around the state concerning people having sex with animals." That would explain all those sideways looks she gets from airport screeners when she goes out of town.

Her research indicates that "that people who molest animals are likely to rape or molest people." Yes, Senator, I believe they would be inclined to do so, as well.

Her bill would make bestiality a third-degree felony, punishable by up to five years in prison. No word on whether it would make a difference if the sex was consensual, but I guess we'll just have to let them big-city lawyers figure that out when the time comes.

I'm just not sure that the threat of being arrested for boinking Bossie would be much of a deterrent to this type of behavior. Then again, going to prison for five years might be a step up for some of these characters, kinda like going to one of those Hedonism Swinger Clubs in the Caribbean for them.

In the Walton County hamlet of Mossy Head in 2006, for example, there were at least four goat rapes reported, with one rape resulting in the tragic death of one of the violated victims. The report, thankfully, did not give the cause of death.

Because until Sen. Rich brought it up, Florida had sort of a 'don't ask, don't tell' attitude about such things, the suspected serial goat boner was charged only with stealing goats. I guess he had too much respect to do his own goats. Either that, or they turned him down. Or maybe those neighbor goats were just asking for it, sashaying through the meadow like that, braying at him behind his back.

I don't know exactly where Mossy Head is and I don't want to know, but I'm crossing off that whole damn county off my vacation list. In fact, that entire Panhandle can be divvied up between Alabama and Georgia for all I care.

I think I'm pretty much done with goat cheese, too.

Actual pin-up photo confiscated in Mossy Head raid.